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Guide Inexplicably Insulting Tourist's Guide

The Cynical Tourist’s Guide To…Wyoming

While researching this guide, I tried my hardest to find a comprehensive list of “interesting” tourist attractions in Wyoming. It should come as no surprise that I was spectacularly unsuccessful. In fact, even when I lowered my criteria from “interesting tourist attractions” to “stupid tourist attractions which seem worthy of insincere derision” I still came […]

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Guide

How To Fight Terrorism

Consider this: One out of every four people will be a victim of terrorism their lifetime. And though this statistic may have just been made up by me, one cannot deny that it is extremely troubling. But never fear: Because I, and I alone, have discovered the secret to eradicating terrorism. I am fully prepared […]

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Junk List

4 Fascinating Ways To Die

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there’s a pretty decent chance you’re going to die. Don’t feel bad, it happens to the best of us. At the very least, you can take solace in the fact that you’re in good company. I have it on good authority that a […]

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Guide

Cool Baby Names For Cool Babies

Choosing the proper name for a newborn child is no easy task. If you choose something too common, your kid may turn out to be a dimwittedly successful but utterly joyless human being like George “The Miser” Lucas, Jay “Lowest-Common-Denominator” Leno, or Steven “I’m Seriously A Real Cop” Seagal. But if you pick something too […]

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Guide Inexplicably Insulting Tourist's Guide

Inexplicably Insulting Tourist’s Guide To…California

When people think of California, they often think of brownouts, laughably overpriced homes, women in thongs accumulating malignant melanomas on beaches, and endless lakes of fire choked with the tormented souls of the damned, whose shrieks of agony will haunt your dreams for all eternity. Come to think of it, that last one might not be […]

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Guide

Guide: Boosting Your Self-Esteem

Like many people, I was, at one time, afflicted with crippling self-esteem issues. In the end, it was only through hard work, perseverance, intellectual dishonesty, and the gleeful exploitation of those less fortunate was I finally able to achieve something resembling inner-peace. So seeing as I have some experience in the field, I figured I’d […]

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Guide Junk

I Hereby Grant You Permission To Chase Waterfalls

Heed not the warnings of early 90s R&B groups. Waterfalls were placed on this earth by Our Lord God for one reason and one reason only: To be pursued. I realize that many of you may have a strong inclination towards sticking to the rivers and the lakes to which you have grown accustomed, but what […]

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Guide

Myths, Lies, & Freedom: Why Bottled Water Is Superior To Tap Water

The more observant among you may have noticed that there has been a fairly extreme smear campaign launched against bottled water by Big Government and the leftist newsmedia of late. This comes as no surprise, as the ability to purchase and casually discard nonbiodegradable plastic receptacles is one of the few personal freedoms which remain […]

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Guide Inexplicably Insulting Tourist's Guide

The Inexplicably Insulting Tourist’s Guide To…Wisconsin

There’s something about crossing the border from Minnesota into Wisconsin which has always unsettled me. The feeling would probably best characterized as crushing despair tinged with an oppressive pastoral loneliness. It isn’t necessarily that the scenery itself is different, it’s more of a vague feeling…as if the sadness of its residents has somehow seeped into […]

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Uncategorized

How To Subdue a Nerd Who Has Flown Into a Violent, Videogame-Induced Rage

It is still not uncommon for the general public to assume that all videogamers are socially inept losers prone to uncontrollable outbursts of intense and inexplicable violence. This is incorrect. In reality, only 65-72% of males who play videogames on a regular basis fit this description, so obviously it’s slightly unfair to generalize. Also, this […]

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The Inexplicably Insulting Tourist’s Guide To…North Dakota

When I was a kid I would often refer to North Dakota as “The Boring Dakota”. Now that I am older (and slightly wiser) I see how wrong I really was. North Dakota couldn’t possibly be the boring Dakota because both Dakotas are the boring Dakota. South Dakota is only given a pass because it […]

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Uncategorized

5 Phrases Nerds Should Really Stop Using

Do nerds still exist? I would propose that they do, in a sense. They’ve [d]evolved from their gentle pocket-protector-wearing, dungeons-and-dragons-playing origins into something far more sinister. The internet has given them a voice. A place from which they can rail against The World Which Has Abandoned Them without fear of reprisal. The nerd is the […]

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How To Escape From The Cops

Let’s say you are accused of murdering a young girl, but you did not do it. What would you do? Think long and hard about it. Those of you who have seen the The Fugitive will know that being falsely accused of a horrible crime is no laughing matter. You may think that it cannot […]

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Become a Real Private Investigator For Free (Online Class)

If you watch daytime television, you’ve almost certainly seen some of the many advertisements for various technical colleges. Many of these schools claim to be able to educate you in the field of “private investigation”. This is false. Technical colleges have never been accredited in the field of private investigation. Such programs are scams and […]