Categories
Guide Paranormal

How To Be Possessed by A Demon

We are all of us haunted by demons. Most of these demons are trivial, figurative demons (like self-doubt or chronic alcoholism), but this is not the only type of demon. No, there also exists a significantly less benign demon: Evil spirits who seize control of our bodies and bend them to the Archfiend’s will. This […]

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Guide

How To Survive A Tornado

Summer: We all know it’s a season, but what some of us may not realize is that with it comes the threat of deadly tornadoes. These whirling dervishes of destruction may seem cute and cuddly at first, but rest assured: They’re no laughing matter. Unlike other types of weather, a tornado has little regard for […]

Categories
Guide List Misogyny

10 Pickup Lines Guaranteed To Induce Women To Engage In Consensual Intercourse With You

It’s no secret that I’m a something of a “lady’s man”. Any time I leave the house, an all-female sex riot never fails to break-out. Elderly women whip flashdrives filled with homemade pornography at me from passing senior citizen mobility buses, and young girls fling themselves nude and shrieking from suspension bridges and balconies in […]

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Guide List

The Official 20XX Holiday Internet Gift Guide: Special Extended Edition – Director’s Cut

  It goes without saying that time of year my inbox is practically overflowing with holiday-centric electronic mail. Sure, I still get the occasional fan letter (“Why do you hate me because I’m fat?”, “Like to  meet booted  and  gay  gloved  cops”, “what do you think about a game like socom ,is it ok to […]

Categories
Guide

Kidz Korner: Fun Fire Safety Tips For Kids

Burglar. Chrome. Governor. Dispassionate. Leathery. Crouching. Molybdenum. Horatio. Turtleneck. What do these words have in common? You guessed it: None of them would ever be used to describe the aftermath of a devastating fire. Another thing you don’t often hear after a fire is “Boy, that small child was sure a big help during the […]

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Guide Untranslatable

Untranslatable: English America Guide For Teach Computer

Notice: The following is part of my unbelievably stupid Untranslatable series. After hastily writing these articles in English, I ran them through automated translators multiple times (choosing languages at random) until they were nearly unintelligible. I then edited them so they were somewhat less unintelligible (and hopefully at least partially readable). I did my best […]

Categories
Guide List

5 Sex Tips For Women Who Have Sex With Men

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women’s magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it’s this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please. Don’t be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due […]

Categories
Games Guide Reviews

A Casually Dismissive History of Handheld Game Consoles

Many people have hands. Some of them use these hands to pick up and manipulate objects. The word “handheld” is used to describe feats such as these. But take a moment to imagine a world where nothing ever became “handheld”. Couch Potatoes: Imagine that your television remote was as large as a coffee table! Retail […]

Categories
Junk List

Trivial Things That Bother Me Far More Than They Should

A lot of people will tell you that to be successful as a writer, that you should always “Write What You Know.” Depending on which writers you talk to, this idea is either lifechangingly brilliant, or pure, unadulterated, greeting card bullshit. I guess I’d say I stand somewhere in the middle. I will admit that […]

Categories
Guide

How To Avoid Shaking Hands

Of all the pointless and antiquated traditions humans infuriatingly continue to adhere to, shaking hands is probably the one I resent me the most. I’m not quite sure why I hate the idea of handshakes so much, and since it’d take more than a few sessions with a psychiatrist to figure it out, I’ll probably […]

Categories
Guide Junk List

7 Substances With Which You Could Theoretically Poison A Coworker Who Has Been Stealing Your Food

  If you work in an office with a communal refrigerator, there’s a good chance that you (or someone you love) has been a victim of Lunch Theft. Those afflicted with Lunch Theft are often left feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, and even–somewhat bewilderingly–sexually aroused. But it is important for victims of Lunch Theft to remember […]

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Guide

FAQ: The Wonderful World Of Manga

There are plenty of misconceptions out there about Manga, but this is certainly not uncommon among the higher arts. In fact, when Opera first came on the scene in the early 1600s, it faced many the same criticisms that manga currently does: “Oh, I can’t understand what is happening,” “Why is everyone screaming?” “Is there […]

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Guide

FAQ: Responsible Parenting

Having recently “reconnected” with many former highschool classmates online has led me to make a shocking discovery: Many of them appear to have chosen to have children. While I understand that the occasional “slip-up” can (and most certainly does) occur, the idea that two intelligent adults would conceive a child deliberately is beyond my comprehension. […]

Categories
Christianity Guide

The Christian Guide To Building A Gaming PC

The Christmas season has arrived once again, and we all know what that means…new gaming PCs! As you may well know, providing free tech support to those in need has always been a favorite pastime of mine, and seeing as my love of electronic devices is second only to my distrust of information published by […]

Categories
Guide

Shitty Business Cliches That Are Shit

A recent Gallup pool found that a full 78% of Americans, upon hearing someone use the phrase “Let’s Touch Base”, are overcome by an uncontrollable urge to grit their teeth, wrap their fingers around the speaker’s neck, and squeeze until they hear the wet, satisfying pop of a crushed trachea. And who can blame them? […]

Categories
Guide Inexplicably Insulting Tourist's Guide

Inexplicably Insulting Tourist’s Guide to..Florida

Let’s get one thing clear here: I’m not going to be insulting Florida as much as I did in My Tourists Guides For Other States. This is not because I have more respect for Florida than Idaho or Wyoming (although this is definitely the case), but because I am substantially less cool than Florida. See, […]

Categories
Christianity Junk List Misogyny

5 Surprisingly Obscene Bible Stories

It has been said that if The Bible were to be faithfully adapted for the big screen, it would almost certainly be the most astonishingly obscene film ever made. I doubt that anyone who is familiar with The Written Word Of God would contest this. The subject matter of the Old Testament alone (with its […]

Categories
Guide

The Casually Dismissive Guide To Outdoor Activities

I’m not exactly someone you would describe as the “outdoorsy type”. I’m really more of a “comes as close to hating nature as one can without actually hating it” type, if that makes any sense. I mean, I don’t have any problem with the outdoors IN THEORY, but in practice it’s always just so irritating […]

Categories
Guide Worthless Guide To Monsters

Worthless Guide To Monsters: Medusas & Minotaurs

A year or two ago, I finished up My Series of Monster Guides by posting a terrible article about the Jersey Devil I had carelessly dashed off in an afternoon. This has always bothered me. Surely this was no way to treat a possibly somewhat-entertaining series of guides about monsters. There had to be another […]

Categories
Misogyny Reviews

Book Review: How To Date A White Woman: A Practical Guide For Asian Men

Like the other books in the Offensive Advice For Dating Outside Your Race series (Japanese Women: They’ll Do What You Say, Indian Men: Smart But I Guess They Have Tiny Penises, Black Chicks: Centuries of Systemic Oppression Have Made Them A Little Cranky) How To Date a White Woman is advertised as “your one-stop shop” […]