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5 Absurdly Specific Simulator Games Whose Existence I Find Puzzling

Looking through PC game new release lists lately, I’m puzzled by the apparent abundance of what I like to call “Monotonous Task Simulators”. These games take the idea of Flight Simulator or Train Simulator (which, if you ask me, already push the boundaries of dullness) and develop similar games in which you perform jobs or […]

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Review: 6 Overrated Films From The IMDB Top 250

In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m this guy who runs his own website. This makes my opinion only slightly more valuable than some random guy in a baseball cap who signed up for IMDB and gave The Truman Show 10 stars. Only slightly more valuable, but more valuable nonetheless. So you just know that when […]

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The Cynical Tourist’s Guide To…New York

Little known fact: There’s actually an entire state attached to New York City. This state is commonly most called New York, and it draws literally dozens of tourists each year into it’s distinctly unremarkable borders. Granted, many of these people are simply on their way to Pennsylvania to commit suicide (Harrisburg is the exsanguination capital […]

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5-Hour Energy Drink: Bile-Flavored Scam or Miraculous Nectar of The Gods?

Call me skeptical, but the first time I saw 5-Hour Energy Drink, I immediately dismissed it as a scam. I mean, all the telltale signs were present: 1. The price was relatively high. 2. The words “Energy Supplement” were present on the bottle. 3. The label appeared to have been designed by a semiliterate child […]

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Gooby: An Exercise in Terror

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Christian Game Review: Splinter Cell Conviction

Hello fellow Christians, and welcome to yet another edition of Christian Game Reviews: The hottest place to find godly reviews of all your favorite animated games! This time around I’m taking a look at Splinter Cell: Conviction, a fighting action game for the Xbox, Playstation, and Nintendo Wii, and Gameboy videogame systems. As is typical […]

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Review: Amazon Oddities

You might not be aware of this, but AMAZON sells some truly weird shit. Unfortunately, finding these products is not as easy as it could be. It works like this: Items which are deemed worthy of the “Amazon Oddities” label can be tagged by customers as an “Amazon Oddity” and will then be shown HERE, […]

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Word on The Street: Bucket Lists

Due to the outstanding success of my recently published article on bucket lists, I decided to “take it to the streets” and accost complete strangers, jabbing a starter pistol in their ribs and insisting that they create their own top 10 lists of “Things to Do Before You Die”.   Not surprisingly, many of them […]

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10 Idiotic Things To Do Before You Die

“Things To Do Before You Die” lists are intended to remind us that “life is precious”, and that we should “live each day to it’s fullest, lest we die unhappy”. Obviously this is easier said than done, and as such, many people often dismiss these sorts of sentiments as meaningless, idealistic garbage. But this may […]

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The Cynical Tourist’s Guide To…Georgia

The American South has changed a great deal in recent years. What was once described by Harry S. Truman as “a festering pocket of indescribable filth and stroke-inducing poverty” is now home to a number of modern amenities, including schools, utility poles, and yes, even paved roads. But don’t be fooled into thinking that the […]

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George Lucas & The Mysterious Fungus

“What is it?” I asked, eying the large pile of dry brown plant matter uneasily.   “One can’t say for sure,” George muttered, scooping up a handful and dropping it into his mouth, “I came upon it while tilling the fields. It’s true origins remain shrouded in darkness.” He sputtered, swallowing.   I picked up […]

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4 Worthless Technologies of The Future

As of the time this is being written, the year is 2010. It is officially The Future. Not quite what you expected, right? From what I was told, by this time were supposed to have become a race of golden brown superhumans with cheap and easy access to all the sex goggles, synthetic tree bark, […]

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The Cynical Tourist’s Guide To…Alaska

From large groups of trees, to snow-capped mountains, to the ground under those mountains and trees, it’s fairly safe to say that Alaska has got it all. It’s a land of wonder, excitement, and adventure, where anything can, and will happen! Well…I’m being a bit generous. It’s probably more like a land of quiet bemusement, […]

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Terrible Films Made Beautiful: Deadly Prey

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Even More Cryptic & Beautiful Poetry From Spam Emails

A continuation of my hard-hitting look at the secret world of poetic spam emails. Meaning: I got a bunch more crazy spam emails. You may look at them and be moderately amused, if you wish.

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The Cynical [Chinese] Tourist’s Guide to…North Carolina

In the hopes of capturing the lucrative Chinese person market, I have written this article in Chinese. Any English speakers who wish to read about the wonderful tourist attractions North Carolina has to offer (of which there are many!) can either translate this article to English using the translation software of their choice or view […]

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The Cynical Tourist’s Guide to…North Carolina [English]

WHAT A BLAZES? NORTH CAROLINA! If you are from United States you think there is nothing but strange and sorrowful things in North Carolina. Well, I must tell you! Not true. It is where all the best happens. The province includes a number of activities. Such as the old China saying goes: Those who taught […]

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Review: Clash of the Titans 3D

By The Sentient Portrait of an Early 19th Century Gentleman Upon the morning’s first light, I vacated my diggings and pointed my velocipede towards the local theater, my intentions being to view the latest moving picture: Clash of the Titans. Upon my arrival I was put into a fine pucker upon discovering that a gape-mouthed […]

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The Casually Dismissive Guide to Funerals

It’s been a long time since I wrote my original Guide To Funerals. It’s one of the first articles I ever wrote, and the childishness of my worldview at that time certainly shows. Fortunately, dear reader, a lot has changed since then. I’ve grown up. I’ve matured. I’ve gotten married, bought a beautiful four bedroom, […]

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The Cynical Tourist’s Guide To…Idaho

Believe it or not, sometimes people actually go to Idaho on purpose. Yeah, I know, it sort of blew my mind at first too, but it’s true. “And what,” you might ask, “do these people do once they’ve arrived in Idaho?” Hell if I know. According to the board of tourism’s website Idaho is an […]