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Junk List

16 Baffling Warning Signs Which Will Hasten Your Death

Rest assured: I’m well aware that I’ve already published way too many pointless photo galleries of Nonsensical Warning Signs. I also know that I’m probably the only sentient creature in the universe who finds stick figures being dismembered so entertaining, but what can I say? I like ’em! So for what is probably the last […]

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Junk List

Celebrities: Famous Last Words!

There are two things of which I am certain. The first is the inevitability of death, and the second is that the majority of human beings will end up saying at least a couple of words within their lifetime. When examined individually, neither of these events seems particularly significant. Death: You’re walking along the beach […]

Categories
Guide List Misogyny

10 Pickup Lines Guaranteed To Induce Women To Engage In Consensual Intercourse With You

It’s no secret that I’m a something of a “lady’s man”. Any time I leave the house, an all-female sex riot never fails to break-out. Elderly women whip flashdrives filled with homemade pornography at me from passing senior citizen mobility buses, and young girls fling themselves nude and shrieking from suspension bridges and balconies in […]

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Guide List

The Official 20XX Holiday Internet Gift Guide: Special Extended Edition – Director’s Cut

  It goes without saying that time of year my inbox is practically overflowing with holiday-centric electronic mail. Sure, I still get the occasional fan letter (“Why do you hate me because I’m fat?”, “Like to  meet booted  and  gay  gloved  cops”, “what do you think about a game like socom ,is it ok to […]

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Junk List

5 Bewilderingly-Elaborate Alarm Clocks I Envisioned While Comatose

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been an Idea Man. I don’t mean this in a business sense, I literally mean that I am a human who possesses both an X and a Y chromosome and occasionally formulates thoughts and opinions about various things. An Idea Man. For example, I was able […]

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Guide List

5 Sex Tips For Women Who Have Sex With Men

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women’s magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it’s this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please. Don’t be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due […]

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Junk List

Trivial Things That Bother Me Far More Than They Should

A lot of people will tell you that to be successful as a writer, that you should always “Write What You Know.” Depending on which writers you talk to, this idea is either lifechangingly brilliant, or pure, unadulterated, greeting card bullshit. I guess I’d say I stand somewhere in the middle. I will admit that […]

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Junk List

Top 10 Reasons Why Top 10 Lists Are So Popular

  Depending on who you ask, the growing popularity of “Top 10” articles on the internet is either A. The surest proof that humankind is becoming steadily dumber and a troubling harbinger of the coming Idiocracy, or B. Pretty neat because they are fun and looking at numbered things is easier than reading words in […]

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Junk List

7 Reasons Getting Old Is Great

It seems like all you ever hear about is how awful it is to get old. Back pain, high blood pressure, grey hair, rest homes, the inability to see or hear anything, heart attacks, and death (yawn) and just a few of the “negatives” which make aging seem less than desirable. But here’s what the […]

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Guide Junk List

7 Substances With Which You Could Theoretically Poison A Coworker Who Has Been Stealing Your Food

  If you work in an office with a communal refrigerator, there’s a good chance that you (or someone you love) has been a victim of Lunch Theft. Those afflicted with Lunch Theft are often left feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, and even–somewhat bewilderingly–sexually aroused. But it is important for victims of Lunch Theft to remember […]

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Christianity Junk List Misogyny

5 (More) Hilariously Obscene Biblical Passages

Whether you believe it in or not, there’s really no denying that The Bible contains some of the most amusingly vulgar material ever committed to paper. And while I’ve probably already covered “The Worst Of The Worst” (e.g. gang rape, unholy semen spillage, father-daughter incest, etc) in Part 1 Of My Biblical Filth Series, there […]

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Christianity Junk List

The Alphabet Of Swearing

Recently I performed a search on the internet for “The Alphabet Of Swearing” in the hopes of finding a list of curse words beginning with each letter of the alphabet. Much to my surprise, aside from a couple of disappointing “Yahoo Answers” replies and an article or two from websites somehow even shittier than this […]

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Junk List

Captain Planet is a Piece of Shit

When it comes to lame environmental superheroes, there few lamer than Captain Planet. Admittedly, this is mostly due to the fact that I can’t think of any other environmental superheroes and can’t be bothered to do any research, but it’s also because he’s a scantily-clad man with a green mullet whose only friends are the […]

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Christianity Junk List Misogyny

5 Surprisingly Obscene Bible Stories

It has been said that if The Bible were to be faithfully adapted for the big screen, it would almost certainly be the most astonishingly obscene film ever made. I doubt that anyone who is familiar with The Written Word Of God would contest this. The subject matter of the Old Testament alone (with its […]

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Junk List

5 Offensive, Outrageous, & Fictional Things You May Not Have Heard About Ray Kroc

Ray Kroc the ruthless entrepreneur often held responsible for the success of McDonalds, gets a lot of posthumous respect, and frankly, as someone who worked at McDonald’s when I was a teenager, this really pisses me off. What’s so bad about Ray Kroc? Here’s one example: He is said to have coined the phrase “If […]

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Junk List

More Snapple Cap Safety Tips For Kids

In these troubled modern times, the life of a child is filled with innumerable dangers. Just take a look at these astonishing figures: Each day in America, 640 children are abducted by people who are believed to be minorities. In addition, a full four thousand are molested by men thought to possess pencil-thin mustaches, while […]

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Junk List

4 Fascinating Ways To Die

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there’s a pretty decent chance you’re going to die. Don’t feel bad, it happens to the best of us. At the very least, you can take solace in the fact that you’re in good company. I have it on good authority that a […]

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Junk List

Some Fun Things To Do While You Await Death’s Bittersweet Embrace

I’ve never quite understood people who claim to get “bored”. If you’ve got even a little bit of money, there’s no end to all the pointless crap you can buy to entertain yourself, and even the working poor should seemingly be kept busy (and so be saved from boredom) by their constant struggle to survive […]

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Junk List

Top 10 Rock & Roll Albums of All Time

  Those of you who know me best will agree that I have one passion and one passion only: Rock & Roll. My naughtiest fantasy is to climb into a hotrod, crank up my fave rock radio station to full, and cruise down the coast, honking at thick & juicy honeys while bobbing my head […]

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Junk List Uncategorized

5 Absurdly Specific Simulator Games Whose Existence I Find Puzzling

Looking through PC game new release lists lately, I’m puzzled by the apparent abundance of what I like to call “Monotonous Task Simulators”. These games take the idea of Flight Simulator or Train Simulator (which, if you ask me, already push the boundaries of dullness) and develop similar games in which you perform jobs or […]