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Junk List

Baffling Warning Signs Which Will Likely Hasten Your Death

Warning signs: one of my favorite things. Here are some that don’t make sense. TO THOSE WHO INSIST UPON HEAVING HANDFULS OF ENIGMATIC CHANGE INTO OUR BODIES OF WATER: THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE [Source] DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CLEAN BLADE WITH SELF [Source] DANGER: WHATEVER THE HELL THIS MEANS [Source] OH JUST THROW THAT […]

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Junk List

Celebrities: Famous Last Words!

Hearing people say words is a normal part of life in our hectic modern world. Unless you’re completely deaf. I guess then it’d probably be pretty shocking. Well, unless you’re a deaf schizophrenic. Then you might not be too dismayed at hearing a disembodied voice. Unless of course it was the voice of that goodnatured-but-emptyheaded […]

Categories
Guide List Misogyny

Pickup Lines Guaranteed To Induce Women To Engage In Consensual Intercourse With You

It’s no secret that I’m a something of a “lady’s man”. Any time I leave the house, an all-female sex riot never fails to break-out. Elderly women whip flashdrives filled with homemade pornography at me from passing senior citizen mobility buses, and young girls fling themselves nude and shrieking from suspension bridges and balconies in […]

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Guide List

The Official 20XX Holiday Internet Gift Guide: Special Extended Edition – Director’s Cut

  It goes without saying that time of year my inbox is practically overflowing with holiday-centric electronic mail. Sure, I still get the occasional fan letter (“Why do you hate me because I’m fat?”, “Like to  meet booted  and  gay  gloved  cops”, “what do you think about a game like socom ,is it ok to […]

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Junk List

5 Bewilderingly-Elaborate Alarm Clocks

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been an Idea Man. I don’t mean this in a business sense, I literally mean that I am a human who possesses both an X and a Y chromosome and occasionally formulates thoughts and opinions about various things. An Idea Man. For example, I was able […]

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Guide List

Sex Tips For Women Who Have Sex With Men

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women’s magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it’s this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please. Don’t be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due […]

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Junk List

Trivial Things That Bother Me Far More Than They Should

A lot of people will tell you that to be successful as a writer, that you should always “Write What You Know.” Depending on which writers you talk to, this idea is either lifechangingly brilliant, or pure, unadulterated, greeting card bullshit. I guess I’d say I stand somewhere in the middle. I will admit that […]

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Junk List

Top 10 Reasons Why Top 10 Lists Are So Popular

  Depending on who you ask, the growing popularity of “Top 10” articles on the internet is either A. The surest proof that humankind is becoming steadily dumber and a troubling harbinger of the coming Idiocracy, or B. Pretty neat because they are fun and looking at numbered things is easier than reading words in […]

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Junk List

Getting Old Might Be Alright I Guess

It seems like all you ever hear about is how awful it is to get old. Back pain, high blood pressure, grey hair, rest homes, the inability to see or hear anything, heart attacks, and death (yawn) and just a few of the “negatives” which make aging seem less than desirable. But here’s what the […]

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Guide Junk List

Some Substances With Which You Could Theoretically Poison A Coworker Who Has Been Stealing Your Food

  If you work in an office with a communal refrigerator, there’s a good chance that you (or someone you love) has been a victim of Lunch Theft. Those afflicted with Lunch Theft are often left feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, and even–somewhat bewilderingly–sexually aroused. But it is important for victims of Lunch Theft to remember […]

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Christianity Junk List Misogyny

(More) Hilariously Obscene Biblical Passages

Whether you believe it in or not, there’s really no denying that The Bible contains some of the most amusingly vulgar material ever committed to paper. And while I’ve probably already covered “The Worst Of The Worst” (e.g. gang rape, unholy semen spillage, father-daughter incest, etc) in Part 1 Of My Biblical Filth Series, there […]

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Christianity Junk List

The Alphabet Of Swearing

Recently I performed a search on the internet for “The Alphabet Of Swearing” in the hopes of finding a list of curse words beginning with each letter of the alphabet. Much to my surprise, aside from an article or two from websites somehow even shittier than this one, I came up emptyhanded. Needless to say, […]