Warning signs: one of my favorite things. Here are some that don’t make sense. TO THOSE WHO INSIST UPON HEAVING HANDFULS OF ENIGMATIC CHANGE INTO OUR BODIES OF WATER: THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE [Source] DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CLEAN BLADE WITH SELF [Source] DANGER: WHATEVER THE HELL THIS MEANS [Source] OH JUST THROW THAT […]
Open on the interior of a small log cabin. MA is at the stove, stirring a large steaming pot. APRIL lies on one of the beds reading a book. The front door bangs open and snow billows in as PA enters, wearing his polarbear-skin coat and carrying a small chunk of wood. His beard is […]
Hearing people say words is a normal part of life in our hectic modern world. Unless you’re completely deaf. I guess then it’d probably be pretty shocking. Well, unless you’re a deaf schizophrenic. Then you might not be too dismayed at hearing a disembodied voice. Unless of course it was the voice of that goodnatured-but-emptyheaded […]
We are all of us haunted by demons. Most of these demons are trivial, figurative demons (like self-doubt or chronic alcoholism), but this is not the only type of demon. No, there also exists a significantly less benign demon: Evil spirits who seize control of our bodies and bend them to the Archfiend’s will. This […]
I awoke to the aroma of freshly-ground coffee. I could tell it was expensive coffee due to the way it smelled: Expensive. It made sense, of course. Only the finest coffees would be permitted in the mansion of infamously-handsome sex playboy Rick Mexico. I let out a sigh and began to reminisce about the countless […]
Summer: We all know it’s a season, but what some of us may not realize is that with it comes the threat of deadly tornadoes. These whirling dervishes of destruction may seem cute and cuddly at first, but rest assured: They’re no laughing matter. Unlike other types of weather, a tornado has little regard for […]
In this chaotic, advertorial, multibranded world of ours, it can be difficult to know precisely how much value one is actually getting for one’s money. The best solution to this problem is to carefully research your purchases beforehand, but this can take time and effort, and it’s not half as much fun or easy as […]
I took a deep breath, rang the doorbell, and smoothed out my skirt. This was it. I was about to meet the man of my dreams. The door opened, revealing an extraordinarily handsome man in a white leather three piece suit. He extended his hand, “Hello, I’m eccentric billionaire Rick Mexico. I made my fortune […]
It’s no secret that I’m a something of a “lady’s man”. Any time I leave the house, an all-female sex riot never fails to break-out. Elderly women whip flashdrives filled with homemade pornography at me from passing senior citizen mobility buses, and young girls fling themselves nude and shrieking from suspension bridges and balconies in […]
Tell me, friend: Are you BORED of traditional poetry? Have you grown TIRED of rhyme, meter, and verse? Do you sometimes FLY into howling rages and embark upon methamphetamine-fueled, multistate child-disembowelment sprees upon discovering poetry books on your bookshelf? If so, then listen closely, because I’m about to share a revolutionary, lifechanging product that will […]
It goes without saying that time of year my inbox is practically overflowing with holiday-centric electronic mail. Sure, I still get the occasional fan letter (“Why do you hate me because I’m fat?”, “Like to meet booted and gay gloved cops”, “what do you think about a game like socom ,is it ok to […]
Burglar. Chrome. Governor. Dispassionate. Leathery. Crouching. Molybdenum. Horatio. Turtleneck. What do these words have in common? You guessed it: None of them would ever be used to describe the aftermath of a devastating fire. Another thing you don’t often hear after a fire is “Boy, that small child was sure a big help during the […]
When it comes to toys, children have ridiculously low standards. A kid will play with anything. If you don’t believe me, pick up any random object (a discarded syringe, a handful of broken glass, a bunch of loose change clumped together because someone spilled syrup or something in the cup holder) and hand it […]
Notice: The following is part of my unbelievably stupid Untranslatable series. After hastily writing these articles in English, I ran them through automated translators multiple times (choosing languages at random) until they were nearly unintelligible. I then edited them so they were somewhat less unintelligible (and hopefully at least partially readable). I did my best […]
As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been an Idea Man. I don’t mean this in a business sense, I literally mean that I am a human who possesses both an X and a Y chromosome and occasionally formulates thoughts and opinions about various things. An Idea Man. For example, I was able […]
A while ago I build a standup comedian robot who has the ability to tell great jokes. Here is his latest set. Sorry it’s all in caps but it is the way robots write. Hope you like great jokes. COMEDY INTRO GREETINGS HUMANS. WERE I ABLE TO EXPERIENCE THE EMOTION KNOWN AS PLEASURE, MY BEING […]
It may surprise you to learn that most of the anonymous “electronic mails” I receive through this site’s Contact Form are not hateful in nature. I think there are probably two reasons for this. The first is that hardly anyone actually reads what I have written. This is entirely understandable. The second is that those […]
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women’s magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it’s this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please. Don’t be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due […]
Many people have hands. Some of them use these hands to pick up and manipulate objects. The word “handheld” is used to describe feats such as these. But take a moment to imagine a world where nothing ever became “handheld”. Couch Potatoes: Imagine that your television remote was as large as a coffee table! Retail […]