Categories
Uncategorized

I Hereby Grant You Permission To Chase Waterfalls

Heed not the warnings of early 90s R&B groups. Waterfalls were placed on this earth by Our Lord God for one reason and one reason only: To be pursued. I realize that many of you may have a strong inclination towards sticking to the rivers and the lakes to which you have grown accustomed, but what […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Product Review: 12000 Trichogramma Pretiosum Eggs

I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that this box of organically protected Trichogramma parasite larvae is a must buy for those whose plans for world domination hinge on the cultivation and subsequent release of thousands of tiny Hymenopteran insects.   Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you for a fact that it […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Product Review: All That The Rain Promises And More…

The old “don’t judge a book by its cover” adage has never made much sense to me. You can tell a lot about a book like this one by looking at the cover. I mean, any idiot could see that it’s a field guide for picking wild mushrooms which was written by an impishly deranged […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Myths, Lies, & Freedom: Why Bottled Water Is Superior To Tap Water

The more observant among you may have noticed that there has been a fairly extreme smear campaign launched against bottled water by Big Government and the leftist newsmedia of late. This comes as no surprise, as the ability to purchase and casually discard nonbiodegradable plastic receptacles is one of the few personal freedoms which remain […]

Categories
Uncategorized

The Inexplicably Insulting Tourist’s Guide To…Wisconsin

There’s something about crossing the border from Minnesota into Wisconsin which has always unsettled me. The feeling would probably best characterized as crushing despair tinged with an oppressive pastoral loneliness. It isn’t necessarily that the scenery itself is different, it’s more of a vague feeling…as if the sadness of its residents has somehow seeped into […]

Categories
Uncategorized

View All Cynical Tourist Guides

Categories
Uncategorized

Work Yourself Into A Chaotic Frenzy

Your lust for power cannot be sated. You breathe out, and the group of gathered onlookers is suddenly enveloped in a purple mist. Soon you can hear them collapse to the ground, and you begin to feel their lifeforce flowing into you. A spectacular rush of adrenaline and euphoria widens your eyes, staggering you.   […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Apologize Sheepishly & Cast The Demons Back Into Hell

“Alright, alright, I’ll get rid of them. Jeepers.” You mutter, waving your hand in the air. Immediately the sky clears and the otherworldly creatures vanish into puffs of sulfurous smoke. The officers who had been battling the creatures stand dumbly for a few moments and then, shrugging, climb back into the few remaining squad cars […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Attempt To Break The World’s Record For Running

You decide to break the world’s record for running. Realizing you’ll need someone to witness this, you turn and sprint down the next dirt driveway you see and arrive at an old run-down farmhouse. An old man in coveralls sits on the front porch in a rocking chair with a large piece of grass in […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Get Rid Of All The Prickly Pods In The World

You decide to put an end to those little prickly pods once and for all. You blink twice and suddenly you feel sure that all the prickly pods in the world have vanished. You have to trust your instincts on this fact though, because by this time you’re well away from any heavily wooded areas […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Perform Mass Mind Control On The Audience & Cause Pandemonium

You fly up and land on the roof of the bank, turning around to face the assembled police and clear your throat in preparation for your speech. Secretly, you begin sprinkling invisibue seeds of psychic disarray over the crowd from the skies. You talk and talk and talk, waiting for the psychic chaos seeds to […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Tell A Touching Story About An Old Man & The Starfish On The Beach

Kicking the man’s limp body aside, you step forward and clear your throat, gesturing for everyone to be seated. The policemen exchange glances and then settle obediently into the grass in front of you. You begin. “I was out walking along a beach at low tide when I came across an old man who was […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Open A Manhole To See If There Are Mutants In The Sewers

You gallop down the road towards the nearest town, your eyes scanning frantically for a manhole cover. Suddenly you spot one, heft it over your head, and fling it off into a ditch. You jump down the hole. Once inside you hitch up your belt and begin walking down the tunnel. You travel for what […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Hop A Passing Freight Train & Ride The Rails

“Life on the rails is the life for me!” you cry, clicking your heels and making for the train tracks. Eventually you hear the chugging of an engine up ahead. You grin and increase your pace, weaving delicately through trees and leaping into an open boxcar with a whoop. You come sliding in and come […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Create A Giant Zeppelin & Fly It Around The World Spreading Love & Good Cheer To All

“Yes!” you cry, “I can do it, if only I believe in myself!” You extend your fingers and spread your arms wide, and you begin to spin. You gather everything from miles around: You swoop up the trees and the dirt and the grass, the cars and people and woodland animals, you gather bricks and […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Adapt West Side Story Using The Cops As Human Puppets

You gesture grandly and the officers leap to attention. A crowd of curious bank tellers has gathered, and settles in the grass nearby to watch.   You can’t quite remember how West Side Story starts, so you decide to just have the cops prance gracefully about the parking lot performing various tricks while “Maria” blares […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Walk Around Committing Random Acts Of Senseless Violence

You figure you’ve reached a point in your life where it’s alright to indulge in a little bit of the old ultraviolence. You look out over the crowd of remaining police officers and bystanders and squint at them while holding your fingers near your eye and pretending to crush their heads, causing each of their […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Cause A Flood To Wash Away The Sin Of Man

After weighing the various options available to you, you decide a great flood would be sort of neat. You leap up and sit with your legs hanging off the roof of the bank and begin the incantations. Upon finishing, you sit kicking your feet and looking bored. In a couple of hours you begin to […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Revel In The Chaos

“More! More! More!” you cry gleefully, jumping up and down and waving your arms in the air. Huge bolts of lightning strike viciously at the fields of illegal marijuana which surround the bank, kindling flame in the tall dry grasses and filling the air with billowing clouds of hallucinogenic smog. The skies are filled with […]

Categories
Uncategorized

Grab The Cash & Get The Hell Out Of There

“Screw this,” you mutter under your breath. “What’s that?” The bank robber asks, turning towards you. “Oh sorry, it wasn’t anything,” you say, adding, “I was just talking to myself.” “Mm.” He replies, looking troubled.   “I, uh, forgot something in my car,” you say, slowly backing towards the corner of the building. The robber […]