Having recently “reconnected” with many former highschool classmates online has led me to make a shocking discovery: Many of them appear to have chosen to have children. While I understand that the occasional “slip-up” can (and most certainly does) occur, the idea that two intelligent adults would conceive a child deliberately is beyond my comprehension. […]
The Christmas season has arrived once again, and we all know what that means…new gaming PCs! As you may well know, providing free tech support to those in need has always been a favorite pastime of mine, and seeing as my love of electronic devices is second only to my distrust of information published by […]
A recent Gallup pool found that a full 78% of Americans, upon hearing someone use the phrase “Let’s Touch Base”, are overcome by an uncontrollable urge to grit their teeth, wrap their fingers around the speaker’s neck, and squeeze until they hear the wet, satisfying pop of a crushed trachea. And who can blame them? […]
Let’s get one thing clear here: I’m not going to be insulting Florida as much as I did in My Tourists Guides For Other States. This is not because I have more respect for Florida than Idaho or Wyoming (although this is definitely the case), but because I am substantially less cool than Florida. See, […]
It has been said that if The Bible were to be faithfully adapted for the big screen, it would almost certainly be the most astonishingly obscene film ever made. I doubt that anyone who is familiar with The Written Word Of God would contest this. The subject matter of the Old Testament alone (with its […]
I’m not exactly someone you would describe as the “outdoorsy type”. I’m really more of a “comes as close to hating nature as one can without actually hating it” type, if that makes any sense. I mean, I don’t have any problem with the outdoors IN THEORY, but in practice it’s always just so irritating […]
A year or two ago, I finished up My Series of Monster Guides by posting a terrible article about the Jersey Devil I had carelessly dashed off in an afternoon. This has always bothered me. Surely this was no way to treat a possibly somewhat-entertaining series of guides about monsters. There had to be another […]
Like the other books in the “Guides For Dating A Stereotype” series (other titles include “Japanese Women: They’ll Do What You Say”, “Indian Men: The Tech-Savvy Jewels of The East”, and Black Chicks: As Is The Case With People of Any Race, Some of Them Might Occasionally Be Loud or Outspoken And if You’re The […]
While researching this guide, I tried my hardest to find a comprehensive list of “interesting” tourist attractions in Wyoming. It should come as no surprise that I was spectacularly unsuccessful. In fact, even when I lowered my criteria from “interesting tourist attractions” to “stupid tourist attractions which seem worthy of insincere derision” I still came […]
Consider this: One out of every four people will be a victim of terrorism their lifetime. And though this statistic may have just been made up by me, one cannot deny that it is extremely troubling. But never fear: Because I, and I alone, have discovered the secret to eradicating terrorism. I am fully prepared […]
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there’s a pretty decent chance you’re going to die. Don’t feel bad, it happens to the best of us. At the very least, you can take solace in the fact that you’re in good company. I have it on good authority that a […]
Choosing the proper name for a newborn child is no easy task. If you choose something too common, your kid may turn out to be a dimwittedly successful but utterly joyless human being like George “The Miser” Lucas, Jay “Lowest-Common-Denominator” Leno, or Steven “I’m Seriously A Real Cop” Seagal. But if you pick something too […]