Categories
Misogyny Reviews

Book Review: How To Date A White Woman: A Practical Guide For Asian Men

Like the other books in the Offensive Advice For Dating Outside Your Race series (Japanese Women: They’ll Do What You Say, Indian Men: Smart But I Guess They Have Tiny Penises, Black Chicks: Centuries of Systemic Oppression Have Made Them A Little Cranky) How To Date a White Woman is advertised as “your one-stop shop” […]

Categories
Guide

The Comprehensive Guide To Littering

Sometimes littering can be a grey area. For example: Was Johnny Appleseed littering as he wandered around tossing handfuls of apple seeds everywhere? The general consensus is that he was not, but I disagree. He most certainly WAS littering. History seems to give Mr. Appleseed a pass because he seems to have strewn the seeds […]

Categories
Guide Inexplicably Insulting Tourist's Guide

The Cynical Tourist’s Guide To…Wyoming

While researching this guide, I tried my hardest to find a comprehensive list of “interesting” tourist attractions in Wyoming. It should come as no surprise that I was spectacularly unsuccessful. In fact, even when I lowered my criteria from “interesting tourist attractions” to “stupid tourist attractions which seem worthy of insincere derision” I still came […]

Categories
Reviews

Product Review: “The 2007 Report on Wood Poles, Piles, and Posts Not More Than 15 Feet in Length Owned and Treated with Pentachlorophenol or Other Chemicals by the Same Establishment: World Market Segmentation by City”

As an officially licenced and bonded FST (Fence, Scaffold, and Tenting) contractor, I can tell you that without a doubt, a man’s success in the FST industry is almost wholly dependant on his understanding of wood poles, piles, and posts more than 15 feet in length owned and treated with pentachlorophenol by the same establishment. […]

Categories
Guide

How To Fight Terrorism

Consider this: One out of every four people will be a victim of terrorism their lifetime. And though this statistic may have just been made up by me, one cannot deny that it is extremely troubling. But never fear: Because I, and I alone, have discovered the secret to eradicating terrorism. I am fully prepared […]

Categories
Reviews

Product Review: Kurt Adler Diet Coke Can Light Set

Rejoice, mindless Coca-Cola enthusiasts, for your salvation has arrived. Because now, thanks to whomever the fuck Kurt Adler is, you may now purchase (for the low low price of 25 American Freedom Dollars) a set of plastic string lights in the shape of soft drink cans. These specially designed light sources are 100% guaranteed not […]

Categories
Junk List

4 Fascinating Ways To Die

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there’s a pretty decent chance you’re going to die. Don’t feel bad, it happens to the best of us. At the very least, you can take solace in the fact that you’re in good company. I have it on good authority that a […]

Categories
Guide

Cool Baby Names For Cool Babies

Choosing the proper name for a newborn child is no easy task. If you choose something too common, your kid may turn out to be a dimwittedly successful but utterly joyless human being like George “The Miser” Lucas, Jay “Lowest-Common-Denominator” Leno, or Steven “I’m Seriously A Real Cop” Seagal. But if you pick something too […]

Categories
Reviews

Product Review: Q-Link EMF Pendant

Is the Q-Link Pendant some ingenious scam, or do magical mass-produced pendants with the ability to fight off diseases using invisible & unmeasurable fields actually exist? These are the sorts of questions I often find myself asking after receiving several blows to the head with an industrial-grade titanium girder. Of course I don’t mean to […]

Categories
Guide Inexplicably Insulting Tourist's Guide

Inexplicably Insulting Tourist’s Guide To…California

When people think of California, they often think of brownouts, laughably overpriced homes, women in thongs accumulating malignant melanomas on beaches, and endless lakes of fire choked with the tormented souls of the damned, whose shrieks of agony will haunt your dreams for all eternity. Come to think of it, that last one might not be […]

Categories
Guide

Guide: Boosting Your Self-Esteem

Like many people, I was, at one time, afflicted with crippling self-esteem issues. In the end, it was only through hard work, perseverance, intellectual dishonesty, and the gleeful exploitation of those less fortunate was I finally able to achieve something resembling inner-peace. So seeing as I have some experience in the field, I figured I’d […]

Categories
Misogyny Reviews

Product Review: Control-A-Woman Remote

Whether they’re being subjected to perfectly acceptable physical abuse for failing to have your dinner ready on time, conforming to misogynistic stereotypes about driving ability, or drowning their infant children in the bathtub due to severe postpartum depression and psychosis, women can be a real handful! But luckily the geniuses at Taipei Novelty Product Production […]

Categories
Junk List

Some Fun Things To Do While You Await Death’s Bittersweet Embrace

I’ve never quite understood people who claim to get “bored”. If you’ve got even a little bit of money, there’s no end to all the pointless crap you can buy to entertain yourself, and even the working poor should seemingly be kept busy (and so be saved from boredom) by their constant struggle to survive […]

Categories
Guide Junk

I Hereby Grant You Permission To Chase Waterfalls

Heed not the warnings of early 90s R&B groups. Waterfalls were placed on this earth by Our Lord God for one reason and one reason only: To be pursued. I realize that many of you may have a strong inclination towards sticking to the rivers and the lakes to which you have grown accustomed, but what […]

Categories
Reviews

Product Review: 12000 Trichogramma Pretiosum Eggs

I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that this box of organically protected Trichogramma parasite larvae is a must buy for those whose plans for world domination hinge on the cultivation and subsequent release of thousands of tiny Hymenopteran insects. Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you for a fact that it is […]

Categories
Reviews

Product Review: All That The Rain Promises And More…

The old “don’t judge a book by its cover” adage has never made much sense to me. You can tell a lot about a book like this one by looking at the cover. I mean, any idiot could see that it’s a field guide for picking wild mushrooms which was written by an impish trombone […]

Categories
Guide

Myths, Lies, & Freedom: Why Bottled Water Is Superior To Tap Water

The more observant among you may have noticed that there has been a fairly extreme smear campaign launched against bottled water by Big Government and the leftist newsmedia of late. This comes as no surprise, as the ability to purchase and casually discard nonbiodegradable plastic receptacles is one of the few personal freedoms which remain […]

Categories
Guide Inexplicably Insulting Tourist's Guide

The Inexplicably Insulting Tourist’s Guide To…Wisconsin

There’s something about crossing the border from Minnesota into Wisconsin which has always unsettled me. The feeling would probably best characterized as crushing despair tinged with an oppressive pastoral loneliness. It isn’t necessarily that the scenery itself is different, it’s more of a vague feeling…as if the sadness of its residents has somehow seeped into […]

Categories
Guide Inexplicably Insulting Tourist's Guide

View All Inexplicably Insulting Tourist Guides

1. North Dakota 2. Idaho 3. North Carolina 4. Alaska 5. Georgia 6. New York 7. Wisconsin 8. California 9. Wyoming 10. Florida 11. Coming Soon… 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. […]

Categories
CYOA Life of Crime

Work Yourself Into A Chaotic Frenzy

Your lust for power cannot be sated. You breathe out, and the group of gathered onlookers is suddenly enveloped in a purple mist. Soon you can hear them collapse to the ground, and you begin to feel their lifeforce flowing into you. A spectacular rush of adrenaline and euphoria widens your eyes, staggering you. “Such […]