Recently I performed a search on the internet for “The Alphabet Of Swearing” in the hopes of finding a list of curse words beginning with each letter of the alphabet. Much to my surprise, aside from a couple of disappointing “Yahoo Answers” replies and an article or two from websites somehow even shittier than this one, I came up emptyhanded.
Needless to say, I could not let this stand. A world in which a thoughtful list of curse-words for each letter of the alphabet did not exist somewhere on the internet was not a world in which I wanted to live.
This left me with two choices: I could either commit suicide, or create and publish the alphabet of swearing myself. So I decided to go with the list.
Note: I’ve refrained from resorting to racist, homosexual, or ethnic slurs wherever possible. Let me assure you that this was absolutely done in the name of political correctness. If this is upsetting to you: Fuck off. Everyone is sick of your constant bitching about white people not being able to say the n-word.
To everyone else: Welcome friends!
A Stupid, Incompetent, or Detestable Person
“What the hell is wrong with you?
You some kind of an asshole or something?”
A Malicious, Spiteful, or Overbearing Woman
“Seriously, that bitch been throwing rocks at my house all day!”
The Female Genital Organs (Or The Woman Attached To Them)
“Cunt is the new Fuck”
“That’s the last time I put my dick in there. Look at this mess!”
(UK) Slang For “Fucking”
“It’s a load ‘o codswallop, it is it is, I brought me ‘effing trainers to the cobblers a donkey’s year ago ‘an I’ve ‘erd nary a word from those sodding filchers!”
To Engage In Coitus With —Sometimes Used Interjectionally With An Object
“Well, Fuck, I suppose.”
“Damnation” is the concept of condemnation by God resulting in a being’s punishment.
“Goddammit, some piece of shit just outbid me on this Mama’s Family: The Complete Series boxed set!
An Erection Of The Penis
“Look closely at this trading card, and you’ll see that C-3PO has a hard-on.”
To Ejaculate Into One’s Own Bladder
“Seriously dude, just clamp it off and you’ll interjaculate. Swear to Christ. Best feeling in the world.”
To Masturbate; Also “An Asshole”
“Look at this jackoff, he’s taking up four parking spaces!”
(UK) Slang, “Penis”
“I could eat a knob at night.”
(18th Century) To Fling or Launch Plague-Bearing Heaps of Male Genitalia Over The Battlements In Order To Excite or Dishearten An Entrenched Enemy*
“Pile the slings of your trebuchets high and deep with festering members, and then, on my mark…prepare to lobcock!”
One That Is Formidable, Contemptible, or Offensive
“If all of you motherfuckers could just go ahead and raise your hands into the air, I’d be much obliged.”
A Simpleton, Idiot, or Fool
“Man, get your nupson ass outta here before I change my mind!”
Man Who Uses Coitus Interruptus As A Means of Birth Control; A Masturbator
“Amongst self-pleasurers, the boy is without peer. Why, just the other day the little onanist performed his act for the Devlin’s and I. It was quite a treat.”
A Spiteful or Contemptible Man (Often Having Some Authority)
“Ya motherfucker! I almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering prick ya.”
(Old English) A Disreputable Woman; A Hussy or Prostitute
“Begone from this place, quean, before I giveth thine rump a smack!”
External Stimulation Of The Sphincter To Cause Sexual Arousal
“I couldn’t believe she was charging six dollars extra for rimjobs. I mean, I can see a dollar or two, but six? No thanks.”
Feces; The Act Of Defecation
“What the shit was that shit all shit shit?”
Reasonably Offensive Term For A Woman (Or Her Vagina)
“Stop her! That crazy twat just stole my Clark Bar!”
The Rump Of A Bird
“You sir, are nothing but an Uropygium, and I shall have nothing more to do with you, or your ilk.”
Italian Slang Meaning “Go Fuck Yourself [In The Ass]”
“Whaddaya doin’! Oh, real tough guy, eh? Real big man! Vaffanculo!”
Promiscuous Woman; Woman Who Engages In Sexual Acts For Money
“And so it was that the whore climbed up the escarpment, and raged until the coming of the dawn.”
Ill-Tempered or Shrewish Woman
“Oh don’t pay any attention to Tracy, she’s our resident Xanthippe.”
Turkish Slang For Penis
“500,000 Kurus for a black and white television is an outrageous price to ask. It would please me greatly to see you place a yarak between your lips and blow upon it. I spit upon your threshold, and may your children be afflicted with the canine madness.”
1950s Slang For Female Genitalia
“In all my years I’ve yet to see; A zatch as sweet as sweet Marie’s.
It smelled of honey, not of fleas; And down it I once lost my keys.
It parted once, and thenceforth flee’d; A fuzzy, buzzing, swarm of bees.
In all my years I’ve yet to see; A zatch as sweet as sweet Marie’s.”
*Definition obviously false. Lobcock actually means "a stupid blundering person"