I’m not exactly someone you would describe as the “outdoorsy type”. I’m really more of a “comes as close to hating nature as one can without actually hating it” type, if that makes any sense. I mean, I don’t have any problem with the outdoors IN THEORY, but in practice it’s always just so irritating […]
A year or two ago, I finished up My Series of Monster Guides by posting a terrible article about the Jersey Devil I had carelessly dashed off in an afternoon. This has always bothered me. Surely this was no way to treat a possibly somewhat-entertaining series of guides about monsters. There had to be another […]
In these troubled modern times, the life of a child is filled with innumerable dangers. 10 children (many of them minors) are abducted or injured EVERY DAY in the US. Fortunately, Snapple is here to help. With the assistance of Families Against Violence and the American Lung Association, Snapple has utilized their patented “Snapple Facts” […]
In 1997, the PC game Fallout was released. Its violently cynical godless worldview easily captivated hundreds of gaming atheists, and spawned numerous (and similarly detestable) sequels, the latest of which is entitled Fallout: New Vegas. In the article that follows, this reviewer will be taking a look at the world of New Vegas from a […]
Like the other books in the “Guides For Dating A Stereotype” series (other titles include “Japanese Women: They’ll Do What You Say”, “Indian Men: The Tech-Savvy Jewels of The East”, and Black Chicks: As Is The Case With People of Any Race, Some of Them Might Occasionally Be Loud or Outspoken And if You’re The […]
Sometimes littering can be a grey area. For example: Was Johnny Appleseed littering as he wandered around throwing apple seeds all over the place? The general consensus is that he was not, but I am of the opinion that he most certainly WAS littering. History gives Mr. Appleseed a pass because he purportedly had “good […]
While researching this guide, I tried my hardest to find a comprehensive list of “interesting” tourist attractions in Wyoming. It should come as no surprise that I was spectacularly unsuccessful. In fact, even when I lowered my criteria from “interesting tourist attractions” to “stupid tourist attractions which seem worthy of insincere derision” I still came […]
As an officially licenced and bonded FST (Fence, Scaffold, and Tenting) contractor, I can tell you that without a doubt, a man’s success in the FST industry is almost wholly dependant on his understanding of wood poles, piles, and posts more than 15 feet in length owned and treated with pentachlorophenol by the same establishment. […]
Consider this: One out of every four people will be a victim of terrorism their lifetime. And though this statistic may have just been made up by me, one cannot deny that it is extremely troubling. But never fear: Because I, and I alone, have discovered the secret to eradicating terrorism. I am fully prepared […]
Rejoice, mindless Coca-Cola enthusiasts, for your salvation has arrived. Because now, thanks to whomever the fuck Kurt Adler is, you may now purchase (for the low low price of 25 American Freedom Dollars) a set of plastic string lights in the shape of soft drink cans. These specially designed light sources are 100% guaranteed not […]
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there’s a pretty decent chance you’re going to die. Don’t feel bad, it happens to the best of us. At the very least, you can take solace in the fact that you’re in good company. I have it on good authority that a […]
Choosing the proper name for a newborn child is no easy task. If you choose something too common, your kid may turn out to be a dimwittedly successful but utterly joyless human being like George “The Miser” Lucas, Jay “Lowest-Common-Denominator” Leno, or Steven “I’m Seriously A Real Cop” Seagal. But if you pick something too […]