Notice: The following is part of my unbelievably stupid Untranslatable series. After hastily writing these articles in English, I ran them through automated translators multiple times (choosing languages at random) until they were nearly unintelligible. I then edited them so they were somewhat less unintelligible (and hopefully at least partially readable). I did my best not to add my own “funny” touches to the final edit, as this would defeat the purpose of the exercise.
I suspect that I am alone in finding this entertaining. Nevertheless, you will find the results of one such translation experiment below.
Greeting to student staff and business professional. So many of you are here today. Woah! I am welcoming you to class of Beginning Computing. Object of class is learn use of microchip computer for twenty century workplace.
We all know of microprocessor computer, but do we know each part and piece that make it function? No. Of course, no. Why even learn such foolishness? Here is reason: Today, computer is much importance at all job. You work at school? You work at police? You work at petrol station? All these are putting the entry into computer.
So yes, learning computer is no joke. So let’s come together with me…and we learn the world of computers.
ELEMENT 1: BATTERY
Battery is essential component of computing. If battery run dry of the energy…is worst thing! So keep battery clean and 100% charge, always. No excuse.
If any battery die on your shift…is your responsibility. The words “Sorry customer you fabrics can not ring-up so come back later” are not in business job vocabulary lesson. Instead you hear this word: “Hello I am the boss! Idiot! What happen to cash machine? All my profits are ruined! Turn in smock and turn in badge. You are fired!”
Battery Top Tip: When choosing battery, recommend a fixed-capacity electric model.
ELEMENT 2: MEMORY CHIPS
Staying simple, bottom line: Ensure RAM. Spend a moment to notice and touch black chips bulging on each RAM. Sleek. Efficiency. Sensual. Each bulge increases calculation speed.
Consult these bulges now. Does the total equal to ten? If yes: Well done, you succeed. If not: Please begin again.
ELEMENT 3: PRINTER
For printing-out, nothing beats printer. How important is printer? Here is a sample to show you: One travels to bank and inserts a cheque. But later, the payment failed! Returning to bank…
Banker: Hey, I apologize to you, but present the receipt as proof.
You: No I am afraid I haven’t such a thing. But I give my word as gentlemen.
Banker: Hey get a clue this is no joking around. You must be a rube or kind of some scheme artist! Printed paper required 100% for all bank complaints. Betty my secretary, call police. They get this scum out of bank and into the paddy wagon.
You see? Words for the wise man. Always print. Always with printer this never happen again.
ELEMENT 4: PROCESSOR UNIT
If computer is body parts, CPU processor is head. The boss. Big cheese. Big boomba. After thinking about your command, processor sends to every other part a message saying: “I’m telling you now. Do this. Do that”. Other parts do what it says.
Remove this piece of a computer pie and…oh brother! Computer is a dumb rock, dumb. No parts work. Put it back in. Get going.
Processor Top Tip: When you buy processor, check back of box looking for model number. One example would be…the number 8. If you can not find the any number, ask an adult for help.
IS BONUS TIME: HUMORS
Take break from learning for one moment, yes? No need to stay always the serious…how about let’s have a little computer jokes!
What computer is eating for snack?
Hello. Why computer is hungry?
Needs to have byte.
What is the computer favorite dinner?
Floppy Joe of course
I wonder why did delivery truck run over computer?
He thought to drive on informations super highway.
What did dirty Polish dog say in the email?
Nothing because a Polish can’t read and write, the filth.
ELEMENT 5: MATH KNOWNS
Now here it is. This final separation of everyone from the boys. The secret key for operating computer is…mathematics. When one uses computers in workplace, one must be keeping math in constant use. To avoid rusting at math, perform your multipede tables each morning!
Time for test. See your Math Might with these arithmetics. When completed, see answer key for answers.
- So what if B equals 12 multipled by 5 + A?
- If Rhachmeal and Mik together are longer than Sareaeai (who is 4 metres), but shorter than 5 metres…How many metres has Rhachmeal?
- The train leaves Penta Station at 200 kilometres per hour. How?
- You won sweepstake and now have one million. How much government taxes for one million?
- At his job Rick drunk 3 litres of the 80% alcohol drink, and 2 litres of the 40% saline solution drink. Then fell asleep.
- Carlotta’s class contain more than 30 student, but less than 50 student. Carlotta is making friends with 1/3 of them. Find out what happens.
FINAL LESSON REVIEW
Thank you all very much for today’s lesson. Homework this session is to complete Element 5 Math Time questions. Put answers on a sheet. In next week, lesson is Speed Typing.
Now this lesson on parts has completed. Students may go home. Come back to class again next time.