We are all of us haunted by demons. Most of these demons are trivial, figurative demons (like self-doubt or chronic alcoholism), but this is not the only type of demon. No, there also exists a significantly less benign demon: Evil spirits who seize control of our bodies and bend them to the Archfiend’s will. This […]
Summer: We all know it’s a season, but what some of us may not realize is that with it comes the threat of deadly tornadoes. These whirling dervishes of destruction may seem cute and cuddly at first, but rest assured: They’re no laughing matter. Unlike other types of weather, a tornado has little regard for […]
It’s no secret that I’m a something of a “lady’s man”. Any time I leave the house, an all-female sex riot never fails to break-out. Elderly women whip flashdrives filled with homemade pornography at me from passing senior citizen mobility buses, and young girls fling themselves nude and shrieking from suspension bridges and balconies in […]
It goes without saying that time of year my inbox is practically overflowing with holiday-centric electronic mail. Sure, I still get the occasional fan letter (“Why do you hate me because I’m fat?”, “Like to meet booted and gay gloved cops”, “what do you think about a game like socom ,is it ok to […]
Burglar. Chrome. Governor. Dispassionate. Leathery. Crouching. Molybdenum. Horatio. Turtleneck. What do these words have in common? You guessed it: None of them would ever be used to describe the aftermath of a devastating fire. Another thing you don’t often hear after a fire is “Boy, that small child was sure a big help during the […]
Notice: The following is part of my unbelievably stupid Untranslatable series. After hastily writing these articles in English, I ran them through automated translators multiple times (choosing languages at random) until they were nearly unintelligible. I then edited them so they were somewhat less unintelligible (and hopefully at least partially readable). I did my best […]
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women’s magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it’s this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please. Don’t be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due […]
Many people have hands. Some of them use these hands to pick up and manipulate objects. The word “handheld” is used to describe feats such as these. But take a moment to imagine a world where nothing ever became “handheld”. Couch Potatoes: Imagine that your television remote was as large as a coffee table! Retail […]
A lot of people will tell you that to be successful as a writer, that you should always “Write What You Know.” Depending on which writers you talk to, this idea is either lifechangingly brilliant, or pure, unadulterated, greeting card bullshit. I guess I’d say I stand somewhere in the middle. I will admit that […]
Of all the pointless and antiquated traditions humans infuriatingly continue to adhere to, shaking hands is probably the one I resent me the most. I’m not quite sure why I hate the idea of handshakes so much, and since it’d take more than a few sessions with a psychiatrist to figure it out, I’ll probably […]
If you work in an office with a communal refrigerator, there’s a good chance that you (or someone you love) has been a victim of Lunch Theft. Those afflicted with Lunch Theft are often left feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, and even–somewhat bewilderingly–sexually aroused. But it is important for victims of Lunch Theft to remember […]
There are plenty of misconceptions out there about Manga, but this is certainly not uncommon among the higher arts. In fact, when Opera first came on the scene in the early 1600s, it faced many the same criticisms that manga currently does: “Oh, I can’t understand what is happening,” “Why is everyone screaming?” “Is there […]