Book Review: How To Date A White Woman: A Practical Guide For Asian Men

white woman

 

Like the other books in the Offensive Advice For Dating Outside Your Race series (Japanese Women: They'll Do What You Say, Indian Men: Smart But I Guess They Have Tiny Penises, Black Chicks: Centuries of Systemic Oppression Have Made Them A Little Cranky) How To Date a White Woman is advertised as "your one-stop shop" for information on dating a particular ethnic subset of humanity (in this case, White Women), but I found it sorely lacking in useful information.
 
Although I am white, I figured I'd be able to derive at least one or two good tips on dating white women from this book, but this is certainly not the case. Not only is this book Asian-Man-Centric, but it also lacks depth. I found most of their advice to be blatantly obvious (or outright false): "White women don't like spiders", "White women sometimes have difficulty opening jars", "White women who aren't prostitutes get offended when you try to pay them for sex", the list goes on and on.
 
As someone who recently dated a white woman, I can easily come up with better tips than the ones in this book off the top of my head. So just keep reading if you want to be let in on all the white women's secrets.

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The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Wyoming

Wyoming

 

While researching this guide, I tried my hardest to find a comprehensive list of "interesting" tourist attractions in Wyoming. It should come as no surprise that I was spectacularly unsuccessful. In fact, even when I lowered my criteria from "interesting tourist attractions" to "stupid tourist attractions which seem worthy of insincere derision" I still came up mostly emptyhanded.
 
This should tell you pretty much everything one needs to know about taking a trip to Wyoming (namely: that one should not do it), but I suppose if you're a glutton for punishment you can go ahead and read on. At the very least, I feel I've managed to compile a relatively decent overview of the least uninteresting tourist destinations located in Wyoming. So that's something, I guess.

How To Fight Terrorism

terrorism

 

Consider this: One out of every four people will be a victim of terrorism their lifetime. And though this statistic may have just been made up by me, one cannot deny that it is extremely troubling.
 
But never fear: Because I, and I alone, have discovered the secret to eradicating terrorism. I am fully prepared to give this information away free of charge, as a service to my country, and in the hopes that it will rid our world of Terror once and for all.

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Top 5 Most Fascinating Ways To Die

Death

 

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there's a pretty decent chance you're going to die. Don't feel bad, it happens to the best of us. At the very least, you can take solace in the fact that you're in good company. I have it on good authority that a number of famous people have also died. St. Thomas Aquinas, for example. And George Carlin? Long gone. Kurt Vonnegut kicked off only recently as well. Why, even old Donny "The Royal Asshole" Regan ate it eventually, despite his repeated assurances that he'd be sticking around indefinitely to "keep his boot upon the necks of the poor".
 
I guess my point is that it isn't the inevitability of death which frightens most of us. No, most people worry about the way they'll go. A lucky few will go quietly in their sleep, some will experience a massive thrombotic stroke while piloting a motorized scooter, and others will (puzzling though it may be) somehow manage to receive a stray bullet to the brainstem while ogling children at a Chuckie Cheese.
 
And while goes without saying that most people have very little say in the method of their own demise, it is sometimes possible to steer the hand of fate in a certain direction. So for those who are interested in achieving a more interesting death, here are (in no particular order) The Top Five Most Fascinating Ways To Die.

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Cool Baby Names For Cool Babies

bABY

 

Choosing the proper name for a newborn child is no easy task. If you choose something too common, your kid may turn out to be a dimwittedly successful but utterly joyless human being like George "The Miser" Lucas, Jay "Lowest-Common-Denominator" Leno, or Steven "I'm Seriously A Real Cop" Seagal. But if you pick something too off-the-wall like Moonshadow, Cockjob, or Bridge To Terabithia: Look out. Your kid'll get hassled so much that they'll probably end up going all cutty-cutty or shooty-shooty before they've even reached their fourteenth birthday, and that's not something any parent wants.
 
So, as with most things in life, the secret here is to find a happy medium. Choose a name that's just quirky and original enough to turn some heads, and your baby is almost assured a place within the pantheon of Happy Successful People With Cool Names like Galileo Whateverhislastnamewas, Nicholas If-Jesus-Christ-Had-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned Barbon, or Bobcat Goldwaith.
 
So to help you on your way, here is my exhaustive list of the Coolest Baby Names Of All Time.

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Inexplicably Insulting Tourist's Guide To...California

back to here

When people think of California, they often think of brownouts, laughably overpriced homes, women in thongs accumulating malignant melanomas on beaches, and endless lakes of fire choked with the tormented souls of the damned, whose shrieks of agony will haunt your dreams for all eternity.
 
Come to think of it, that last one might not be entirely accurate, as I haven't been to California since I was a kid. But I'm reasonably sure I remember staying at a Holiday Inn Select in the 6th Circle (kitty corner from the barbed-wire gallows) where the screams of the unbaptized babies they were flaying the skin off of kept me up until like 2AM one night. Talk about annoying.

But hey, let's go ahead and see what California has to offer tourists, shall we?

Guide: Boosting Your Self-Esteem

hoppy easter

Like many people, I was, at one time, afflicted with crippling self-esteem issues. In the end, it was only through hard work, perseverance, intellectual dishonesty, and the gleeful exploitation of those less fortunate was I finally able to achieve something resembling inner-peace.
 
So seeing as I have some experience in the field, I figured I'd share with you seven amazing self-improvement tips which will almost certainly help you feel better about who you are.

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I Hereby Grant You Permission To Chase Waterfalls

watufull

Heed not the warnings of early 90s R&B groups. Waterfalls were placed on this earth by Our Lord God for one reason and one reason only: To be pursued.

I realize that many of you may have a strong inclination towards sticking to the rivers and the lakes to which you have grown accustomed, but what you likely fail to realize is that puttering around in large, stationary pools of liquid, or immersing yourself in freshwater as it runs towards an ocean can in no way match the physical and emotional fulfillment one can achieve from chasing a waterfall. Not even close.
 
So if you'd allow me, I'd like to go ahead and refute some of the most common arguments against the pursuance of water which happens to be flowing down a steep grade due to the effects of gravity along with a rapid drop in elevation.

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Myths, Lies, & Freedom: Why Bottled Water Is Superior To Tap Water

wawa

The more observant among you may have noticed that there has been a fairly extreme smear campaign launched against bottled water by Big Government and the leftist newsmedia of late. This comes as no surprise, as the ability to purchase and casually discard nonbiodegradable plastic receptacles is one of the few personal freedoms which remain available to us in this increasingly socialistic world of ours.
 
Which is precisely why it is imperative that people realize that claims such as "bottled water creates unnecessary waste", "bottled water is less safe than tap water", or "most bottled water is just tap water that costs 600% more" are nothing more than lies perpetuated by politically correct, freedom-hating rabblerousers.
 
So with that in mind, please have a look at five of the many reasons why it is your civic duty to consume bottled water over tap water.

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The Inexplicably Insulting Tourist's Guide To...Wisconsin

wussconsin

There's something about crossing the border from Minnesota into Wisconsin which has always unsettled me. The feeling would probably best characterized as crushing despair tinged with an oppressive pastoral loneliness. It isn't necessarily that the scenery itself is different, it's more of a vague feeling...as if the sadness of its residents has somehow seeped into the soil and air, poisoning it, like fallout from a nuclear blast. Or perhaps more appropriately, like the solvent vapors from innumerable batches of high-grade bathtub methamphetamine.
 
So it should be obvious that I'm not particularly keen on the idea of visiting Wisconsin for fun and diversion, which makes me just the person to write an overtly antagonistic and mostly-inaccurate guide of it for nonexistent tourists.