We are all of us haunted by demons. Most of these demons are trivial, figurative demons (like self-doubt or chronic alcoholism), but this is not the only type of demon. No, there also exists a significantly less benign demon: Evil spirits who seize control of our bodies and bend them to the Archfiend's will.
This guide is concerned with only the latter type of demon, so those of you who've come here seeking advice on how to overcome personal demons (like a fear of flying, compulsive overeating, or the fact that Sixpence None The Richer's 1998 hit single "Kiss Me" has inexplicably been playing on a loop in your head for the past fifteen years) would do well to look elsewhere for assistance because this guide only covers demons of the supernatural variety.
So less "Doctor Phil" and more "Sweet little girls hefting grown men over their heads and tossing them through plateglass windows, middle-aged men scrawling glyphs upon the walls in their own excrement while gibbering in elder tongues, and kindly old grandmothers scuttling into your room late at night on dislocated limbs and unhinging their jaws to disgorge huge clouds of bees that swarm down your throat and eventually you choke to death on them because who could even breathe through all those bees?".
Nobody, that's who.
Summer: We all know it's a season, but what some of us may not realize is that with it comes the threat of deadly tornadoes. These whirling dervishes of destruction may seem cute and cuddly at first, but rest assured: They're no laughing matter. Unlike other types of weather, a tornado has little regard for local ordinances prohibiting wanton property damage. Sure, scattered flurries can be bothersome, but when's the last time a scattered flurry flung your doghouse into a nearby lake and impaled your great uncle with a gardening implement? That's right: Never. A scattered flurry has never done that because unlike tornadoes, scattered flurries aren't gigantic weather assholes.
So what can you do to survive an encounter with one of these godless, swirling deathtubes? Well, for a start, you can read the rest of this article for some juicy tornado survival tips.
If you work in an office with a communal refrigerator, there's a good chance that you (or someone you love) has been a victim of Lunch Theft. Those afflicted with Lunch Theft are often left feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, and even--somewhat bewilderingly--sexually aroused. But it is important for victims of Lunch Theft to remember that they are not alone. In fact, it is estimated by the Federated Association of The National Council of Meat that sixteen out of ever hundred office lunches is eaten (without permission) by someone other than the rightful owner of the lunch.
It has been said that if The Bible were to be faithfully adapted for the big screen, it would almost certainly be the most astonishingly obscene film ever made. I doubt that anyone who is familiar with The Written Word Of God would contest this. The subject matter of the Old Testament alone (with its constant graphic brutality, genocide, casual incest, and countless rapes) would be more than enough to earn The Good Book an NC-17 rating.
In light of this, I thought it might be fun to compile a list of five of the most amusing, inappropriate, and potentially offensive passages in The Bible. Fair Warning though: Although everything discussed in the following sections can be directly attributed to God Himself (I've even provided detailed links to the passages in question), things still get fairly graphic, so you probably don't want to let your kid read it (those who are easily offended by wiseasses providing glib and irreverent commentaries on the smutty portions of sacred religious texts would do well to avoid it also).
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there's a pretty decent chance you're going to die. Don't feel bad, it happens to the best of us. At the very least, you can take solace in the fact that you're in good company. I have it on good authority that a number of famous people have also died. St. Thomas Aquinas, for example. And George Carlin? Long gone. Kurt Vonnegut kicked off only recently as well. Why, even old Donny "The Royal Asshole" Regan ate it eventually, despite his repeated assurances that he'd be sticking around indefinitely to "keep his boot upon the necks of the poor".
I guess my point is that it isn't the inevitability of death which frightens most of us. No, most people worry about the way they'll go. A lucky few will go quietly in their sleep, some will experience a massive thrombotic stroke while piloting a motorized scooter, and others will (puzzling though it may be) somehow manage to receive a stray bullet to the brainstem while ogling children at a Chuck E. Cheese.
And while goes without saying that most people have very little say in the method of their own demise, it is sometimes possible to steer the hand of fate in a certain direction. So for those who are interested in achieving a more interesting death, here are (in no particular order) The Top Five Most Fascinating Ways To Die.
Do nerds still exist? I would propose that they do, in a sense. They’ve [d]evolved from their gentle pocket-protector-wearing, dungeons-and-dragons-playing origins into something far more sinister. The internet has given them a voice. A place from which they can rail against The World Which Has Abandoned Them without fear of reprisal. The nerd is the Troll and the Twitter Threatener. He is the social cripple and the sniveling masturbator. Rejected (some would say rightly so) by his significantly less deranged peers, he has sought refuge amongst the similarly-damaged youths who make up the online collective.
Here, he is given the opportunity to climb a different sort of social ladder, one in which the individual is not rewarded for attractiveness, physical prowess, cleverness, or the ability to abstain from using racial slurs, but rather by His Ability To Act And Think And Speak In Exactly The Same Way As The Insular Group Of Blubbering And Perpetually-Indignant Manchildren He Has Chosen As His Peers.
It wasn’t always so. Oh, wait, it actually has been. These jerks have always been around. They’re just angrier and more visible now. Well, no matter. Below you will find a few common embarrassing nerdly phrases that nerdy old nerd nerds used to use (and occasionally still use) on the internet.
Let's say you are accused of murdering a young girl, but you did not do it. What would you do? Think long and hard about it. Those of you who have seen the The Fugitive will know that being falsely accused of a horrible crime is no laughing matter. You may think that it cannot happen to you, but the sad facts of the truth is that it can. It can and it will. Every year thousands of Americans are probably being falsely accused of crimes they didn't commit, and there is nothing they can do about it but head into their prison cell and bend over to be buttraped by a white powerist. I'm sorry to be so graphic but that's reality.
But there is hope! I once read on a popular self-defense website hose who are accused of wrongfulness and did not do it are LEGALLY ALLOWED to escape from police. Most people don't know this, but it is a fact. So I've written up this little ditty to help those non-criminals who are being harassed by police escape to their freedom. Read carefully, you may just save your own life.
If you watch daytime television, you've almost certainly seen some of the many advertisements for various technical colleges. Many of these schools claim to be able to educate you in the field of “private investigation”. This is false. Technical colleges have never been accredited in the field of private investigation. Such programs are scams and would surely be outlawed if our elected officials weren't in the pockets of "Big Tech". But all is not lost. Fortunately for you, I'm a fully ordained private investigator, and I also have a teaching degree in this field as well. So I set out to answer the most common questions about being a private eye for FREE (a 700 dollar value).