How To Avoid Shaking Hands

No Shakey

 

Of all the pointless and antiquated traditions humans infuriatingly continue to adhere to, shaking hands is probably the one I resent me the most. I'm not quite sure why I hate the idea of handshakes so much, and since it'd take more than a few sessions with a psychiatrist to figure it out, I'll probably never know for sure. But if I had to guess, it'd say it's probably a combination of two things:
 

  1. Handshakes serve no practical purpose and I see them as phony and insincere.
  2. I'm a contrarian sociopath who derives pleasure from flouting social codes I disapprove of.

 
In all honestly, it's probably 99% due to the latter, but in the end, I guess it doesn't really matter why I hate handshakes. I just do. What's really important is that I've come up with this list of ways to get out of shaking hands. Granted, this guide won't be of much use to actual well-rounded adults, but certain groups people (Germaphobes, Insufferable Iconoclasts, Angry Goth Teens, etc) will likely find it very useful.
 
So with that in mind, here are 9 sneaky and underhanded ways to get out of shaking someone's hand.

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7 Substances With Which You Could Theoretically Poison A Coworker Who Has Been Stealing Your Food

Steal Food

 

If you work in an office with a communal refrigerator, there's a good chance that you (or someone you love) has been a victim of Lunch Theft. Those afflicted with Lunch Theft are often left feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, and even--somewhat bewilderingly--sexually aroused. But it is important for victims of Lunch Theft to remember that they are not alone. In fact, it is estimated by the Federated Association of The National Council of Meat that sixteen out of ever hundred office lunches is eaten (without permission) by someone other than the rightful owner of the lunch.

As law enforcement is little help when it comes to "some guy eating another guy's pizza rolls", victims of lunchcrime are left with two choices:

A. Starve to death

B. Seek revenge against those who have wronged them by spiking food with various substances and leaving it in the fridge as "bait".

I'll just say straight away that if you came here looking for a guide on how to starve to death, you're going to be sorely disappointed. But if, on the other hand, you were looking strictly for information related to the poisoning of lunch-theving coworkers, I think you'll be pleased with the list I've compiled here.

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FAQ: The Wonderful World Of Manga

manga man

 

Obviously there are plenty of misconceptions out there about Manga, but this is certainly not uncommon among the higher arts. In fact, when Opera first came on the scene in the early 1600s, it faced many the same criticisms that manga currently does: "Oh, I can't understand what is happening," "Why is everyone screaming?" "Is there some reason all the characters are white?" "Why does every woman have a huge chest?" "Is it entirely necessary to to portray child molestation so graphically and enthusiastically?" and so on.
 
What these manga detractors fail to understand is that, like opera, manga is simply ahead of its time. It seems clear to me that those who hate manga are simply too boorish and uncivilized to appreciate such a sophisticated art form.
 
But enough of this. I've already given these detractors more time than they deserve. Let's get on with the questions!

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FAQ: How To Be A Hugely Irresponsible Parent

cage kids

 

Having recently "reconnected" with many former highschool classmates online has led me to make a shocking discovery: Many of them appear to have chosen to have children. While I understand that the occasional "slip-up" can (and most certainly does) occur, the idea that two intelligent adults would conceive a child deliberately is beyond my comprehension.
 
The only logical explanation I can come up with is that people who have children purposefully must be mentally deranged in some fashion. For truly, what possible reason could a rational human being have for sacrificing eighteen years of freedom, privacy, financial security, and any semblance of a social life for a few fleeting moments of narcissistic parental ecstasy, aside from full-on gibbering madness? I definitely can't think of any.
 
But hey, I'm not supposed to be discussing the pros and cons of parenting, I'm supposed to be posting a FAQ on how to be a hugely irresponsible one.
 
So here. Here it is. I hope you're satisfied.

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The Christian Guide To Building A Gaming PC

my pc is cooled by the blood of our savior
 

The Christmas season has arrived once again, and we all know what that means...new gaming PCs! As you may well know, providing free tech support to those in need has always been a favorite pastime of mine, and seeing as my love of electronic devices is second only to my distrust of information published by the secular newsmedia, I figured, heck: What better way to celebrate this season of giving and receiving than by sliding a thick, bulging tube of good old-fashioned PC advice into the gaping orifice of your souls!
 
Why a Christian guide to computer assembly? It's fairly simple: While there are plenty of humanist PC how-to guides out there, these are little use to those of us who believe that Christ will soon return and rain fiery vengeance down upon all the blasphemers, homosexuals, and non-catholic pedophiles of the world, We Christians prefer to take advice from those who share our worldview, that way we can ensure we are doing things in the godliest way possible.
 
So I hope you will join me as I take an overtly religious look at the wonderful world of do-it-yourself personal computering.

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Terrible Business Cliches That Should Fill You With Rage

fuck you, business

 

A recent Gallup pool found that a full 78% of Americans, upon hearing someone use the phrase "Let's Touch Base", are overcome by an uncontrollable urge to grit their teeth, wrap their fingers around the speaker's neck, and squeeze until they hear the wet, satisfying pop of a crushed trachea.
 
And who can blame them? The absurd language of "business" has no place within a civilized society such as ours. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that a brutal, fully-conscious strangulation may even be too merciful a punishment for those who willingly use terms like "Team Player" and "Think Outside The Box" without hint of shame or sarcasm.
 
But anyway, if you want to ensure you're not gonna be throttled to death by some guy who doesn't like you talking like a corporate piece of shit, you should probably go ahead and check out this list of awful business terms which fill me with an impotent rage.

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Inexplicably Insulting Tourist's Guide to..Florida

florida

 

Let's get one thing clear here: I'm not going to be insulting Florida as much as I did in My Tourists Guides For Other States. This is not because I have more respect for Florida than Idaho or Wyoming (although this is definitely the case), but because I am substantially less cool than Florida.
 
See, in order for me to demean or belittle a US State's status, I must feel (even falsely) that I am in some way superior to the state in question. This is extremely easy to accomplish with ridiculous states like Nebraska or Tennessee, but a reasonably popular tropical state like Florida poses a unique problem for me when it comes to ridiculing it. Namely: I am not cooler than Florida, nor would anybody believe I was even if I faked it. This, of course, makes it almost impossible for me to mock and insult it without coming off like a complete ass.
 
So, instead of deriding Florida as a whole, I will simply cherry pick the Floridian tourist attractions I find most objectionable and badmouth them individually. I hope this will be more to your liking.

5 Surprisingly Obscene Bible Stories

Garbage Bible

 

It has been said that if The Bible were to be faithfully adapted for the big screen, it would almost certainly be the most astonishingly obscene film ever made. I doubt that anyone who is familiar with The Written Word Of God would contest this. The subject matter of the Old Testament alone (with its constant graphic brutality, genocide, casual incest, and countless rapes) would be more than enough to earn The Good Book an NC-17 rating.

In light of this, I thought it might be fun to compile a list of five of the most amusing, inappropriate, and potentially offensive passages in The Bible. Fair Warning though: Although everything discussed in the following sections can be directly attributed to God Himself (I've even provided detailed links to the passages in question), things still get fairly graphic, so you probably don't want to let your kid read it (those who are easily offended by wiseasses providing glib and irreverent commentaries on the smutty portions of sacred religious texts would do well to avoid it also).

The Casually Dismissive Guide To Outdoor Activities

slangin

 

I'm not exactly someone you would describe as the "outdoorsy type". I'm really more of a "comes as close to hating nature as one can without actually hating it" type, if that makes any sense. I mean, I don't have any problem with the outdoors IN THEORY, but in practice it's always just so irritating and unpredictable: Oh great, I went for a walk and it started to rain. Fantastic, the sun went down and now I can't see. Wonderful, I wandered into the Pakistani Himalaya and got disemboweled by a Himalayan Brown Bear. I swear to god, it never ends.
 
I really don't see how nature expects anyone to enjoy the outdoors when all this annoying crap is constantly going on. I'll give you an example: One time I went camping and was continuously buffeted by reasonably strong winds. Winds! Can you imagine? It was beyond belief. The third time my hood blew off my head, I walked to the car and drove straight home. But honestly, can you blame me? A man can only take so much abuse.
 
But anyway, here's my Officially Licensed Guide Every Single Outdoor Activity Ever.

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Top 5 Most Fascinating Ways To Die

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there's a pretty decent chance you're going to die. Don't feel bad, it happens to the best of us. At the very least, you can take solace in the fact that you're in good company. I have it on good authority that a number of famous people have also died. St. Thomas Aquinas, for example. And George Carlin? Long gone. Kurt Vonnegut kicked off only recently as well. Why, even old Donny "The Royal Asshole" Regan ate it eventually, despite his repeated assurances that he'd be sticking around indefinitely to "keep his boot upon the necks of the poor".

I guess my point is that it isn't the inevitability of death which frightens most of us. No, most people worry about the way they'll go. A lucky few will go quietly in their sleep, some will experience a massive thrombotic stroke while piloting a motorized scooter, and others will (puzzling though it may be) somehow manage to receive a stray bullet to the brainstem while ogling children at a Chuck E. Cheese.

And while goes without saying that most people have very little say in the method of their own demise, it is sometimes possible to steer the hand of fate in a certain direction. So for those who are interested in achieving a more interesting death, here are (in no particular order) The Top Five Most Fascinating Ways To Die.

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