Your lust for power cannot be sated. You breathe out, and the group of gathered onlookers is suddenly enveloped in a purple mist. Soon you can hear them collapse to the ground, and you begin to feel their lifeforce flowing into you. A spectacular rush of adrenaline and euphoria widens your eyes, staggering you. “Such […]
“Alright, alright, I’ll get rid of them. Jeepers.” You mutter, waving your hand in the air. Immediately the sky clears and the otherworldly creatures vanish into puffs of sulfurous smoke. The officers who had been battling the creatures stand dumbly for a few moments and then, shrugging, climb back into the few remaining squad cars […]
You decide to break the world’s record for running. Realizing you’ll need someone to witness this, you turn and sprint down the next dirt driveway you see and arrive at an old run-down farmhouse. An old man in coveralls sits on the front porch in a rocking chair with a large piece of grass in […]
You decide to put an end to those little prickly pods once and for all. You blink twice and suddenly you feel sure that all the prickly pods in the world have vanished. You have to trust your instincts on this fact though, because by this time you’re well away from any heavily wooded areas […]
It is a particularly fine summer evening. You are taking a shortcut through a field of wheat, on the way to your job at the bank. Suddenly you feel a tremendous pressure in your eardrums and a white light envelops you. You are lifted, struggling, into the belly of a spacecraft. An alien approaches and […]
Those of you who know me best will agree that I have one passion and one passion only: Rock & Roll. My naughtiest fantasy is to climb into a hotrod, crank up my fave rock radio station to full, and cruise down the coast, honking at thick & juicy honeys while bobbing my head […]
“Ah, this is the life,” I said, settling into my easy chair and taking a sip of orange drink, “Not a care in the world.” I glanced at the clock; 6:04. The show had already begun. Grinding my teeth in anticipation, I flipped on the television. A fierce battle sequence erupted on screen. I rocked […]
I’ve always been a big fan of As Seen On TV gadgets. Not in a “wow, this stuff is actually pretty cool and useful” sort of way though. It’s more like an “Oh my god, this is the most hilarious piece of shit I have ever seen, I can’t even believe it” kind of thing. […]
Little known fact: There’s actually an entire state attached to New York City. This state is commonly most called New York, and it draws literally dozens of tourists each year into it’s distinctly unremarkable borders. Granted, many of these people are simply on their way to Pennsylvania to commit suicide (Harrisburg is the exsanguination capital […]
Call me skeptical, but the first time I saw 5-Hour Energy Drink, I immediately dismissed it as a scam. I mean, all the telltale signs were present: 1. The price was relatively high. 2. The words “Energy Supplement” were present on the bottle. 3. The label appeared to have been printed on a cheap […]
What follows are my reviews of several items which are known to be sold as products. The following things are reviewed herein: The Gambler’s Mustache, A Large Boulder, a sack of insects, and The Home Gastric Bypass Kit. Please note that anyone who wishes to purchase these items can do so by giving a set […]
The American South has changed a great deal in recent years. What was once described by Harry S. Truman as “a festering pocket of indescribable filth and stroke-inducing poverty” is now home to a number of modern amenities, including schools, utility poles, and yes, even paved roads. But don’t be fooled into thinking that […]