Recently I performed a search on the internet for “The Alphabet Of Swearing” in the hopes of finding a list of curse words beginning with each letter of the alphabet. Much to my surprise, aside from an article or two from websites somehow even shittier than this one, I came up emptyhanded.
Needless to say, I could not let this stand. An internet upon which a thoughtful list of swears for each letter of the alphabet did not exist was not an internet I wanted to participate in.
This left me with two choices: Swear an oath to never again access the internet before inexplicably diving out the 14th story window of an office tower and subsequently landing in a cart filled with hay, or try to find 26 bad words. After much deliberation, I decided on the latter.
Note: I think I mostly avoided racism and ethnic slurs, but there’s still slightly more misogyny than is strictly necessary. Of course it’s possible that I did this deliberately as a sort of metacommentary on the way that a hatred of women is deeply ingrained in our society and culture. It’s also possible that I created this a long time ago and it hasn’t aged well but it would really be a lot of work to change it and honestly it’s mildly amusing at best so why waste time fixing it.Â
A Stupid, Incompetent, or Detestable Person
“My youth pastor is a huge asshole.“
A Malicious, Spiteful, or Overbearing Woman
“I’m frustrated because that bitch keeps throwing rocks at my grandson.”
The Female Genital Organs (Or The Woman Attached To Them)
“Cunt Dracula would be a pretty good name for a movie about a meanspirited female vampire.”
Penis
“That’s the last time I put my dick in that rusty old thing. Look at this mess!”
(UK) Slang For “Fucking”
“Oi! It’s a load ‘o codswallop, it is! brought me ‘effing trainers to the cobblers a donkey’s ‘ear ago ‘an I’ve ‘erd nary a word from the sodding filchers!”
To Engage In Coitus With —Sometimes Used Interjectionally With An Object To Express Anger, Contempt, or Disgust
“Fuck.”
Interjection Used To used to Express Anger, Perplexity, Amazement, Etc.
“Goddammit, I left my keys in my pants pocket and my pants in the pocket of my other, significantly larger pair of pants.”
An Erection Of The Penis
“If you look closely at this trading card, you’ll notice the android’s hard-on.”
To Insert A Word Which Is Absolutely Not An Expletive Into A List Purported To Include Only Genuine Expletives
“I had trouble finding a curse-word beginning with “I”, so I interjaculated interjaculate.”
To Masturbate
“Jack-on, or jack-off it makes no difference to me”
(UK) Slang, “Penis”
“I could eat a knob at night.”
(18th Century) To Fling or Launch Plague-Bearing Heaps of Male Genitalia Over The Battlements In Order To Excite or Dishearten An Entrenched Enemy*
“Pile the slings of your trebuchets high and deep with festering members, and then, on my mark…prepare to lobcock!”
One That Is Formidable, Contemptible, or Offensive
“Now if all of you motherfuckers could just go ahead and raise your hands into the air, I’d be much obliged.”
A Simpleton, Idiot, or Fool
“It appears, my boy, that you are a nupson.”
Man Who Uses Coitus Interruptus As A Means of Birth Control; A Masturbator
“Amongst self-pleasurers, the boy is without peer. Why, just the other day the little onanist performed for the Duke and Duchess of York. Suffice it to say: They were delighted.”
A Spiteful or Contemptible Man (Often Having Some Authority)
“Ya motherfucker! I almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering prick ya.”
(Old English) A Disreputable Woman; A Hussy or Prostitute
“Begone, quean, or I shall smacketh thine rump so hard that the corpses of your forefathers shall rise from their graves in order that they might rub their own rumps, for they will have felt this mighty blow upon their own backsides as well!”
External Stimulation Of The Sphincter To Cause Sexual Arousal
“I couldn’t believe she was charging six dollars for a rimjob. I mean, I can four dollars, or maybe even five, but six? No thanks.”
Feces; The Act Of Defecation
“What the shit was that shit?“
Reasonably Offensive Term For A Woman (Or Her Vagina)
“Stop her! That crazy twat just stole my Clark Bar!”
The Rump Of A Bird
“You sir, are nothing but an Uropygium, and I shall have nothing more to do with you, or your ilk.”
Italian Slang Meaning “Go Fuck Yourself [In The Ass]”
“Whaddaya doin’! Oh, real tough guy, eh? Real big man! Vaffanculo!”
Promiscuous Woman; Woman Who Engages In Sexual Acts For Money
“And so it was that the whore climbed up the escarpment, and raged until the coming of the dawn.”
Ill-Tempered or Shrewish Woman
“Oh don’t pay any attention to Tracy, she’s our resident Xanthippe.”
Turkish Slang For Penis
“500,000 Kurus for a black and white television is an outrageous price to ask. It would please me greatly to see you place a yarak between your lips and blow upon it. I spit upon your threshold, and may your children be afflicted with the canine madness.”
1950s Slang For Female Genitalia
“In all my years I’ve yet to see; A zatch as sweet as sweet Marie’s.
It smelled of honey, not of fleas; And down it I once lost my keys.
It parted once, and thenceforth flee’d; A fuzzy, buzzing, swarm of bees.
In all my years I’ve yet to see; A zatch as sweet as sweet Marie’s.”
*Definition obviously false. Lobcock actually means "a stupid blundering person"
