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Recently I performed a search on the internet for "The Alphabet Of
Swearing" in the hopes of finding a list of
curse words beginning with each letter of the alphabet. Much to my surprise, aside from a couple of disappointing "Yahoo
Answers" replies and an article or two from websites even shittier than
this one, I came up emptyhanded.
 

Needless to say, I could not let this stand. A world in which a thoughtful list of curse-words for each letter of the alphabet did not exist somewhere on the internet was not a world in which I wanted to live.

This left me with two choices: I could either commit suicide, or create and publish the alphabet of swearing myself. So I decided to go with the list.

 
Note: I've refrained from resorting to racist, homosexual, or
ethnic
slurs wherever possible. Let me assure you that this was not done due
to the "offensiveness" of these words. It's just that the list would've
been far too easy (and therefore significantly less fun) to compile were I to allow
myself to employ hatespeech.
 

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A Stupid, Incompetent, or Detestable Person

"What the hell is wrong with you?
You some kind of an asshole or something?"

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A Malicious, Spiteful, or Overbearing Woman

"Seriously, that bitch been throwing rocks at my house all
day!"

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The Female Genital Organs (Or The Woman Attached To
Them)

"Cunt is the new Fuck"

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Penis (Vulgar)

"That's the last time I put my dick in there. Look at this
mess!"

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(UK) Slang For "Fucking"

"It's a load 'o codswallop, it is it is, I brought me 'effing
trainers to the cobblers a donkey's year ago 'an I've 'erd nary a word
from those sodding filchers!"

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To Engage In Coitus With —Sometimes Used
Interjectionally With An Object

"Well, Fuck, I suppose."

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 "Damnation" is the concept of condemnation by
God resulting in a being's punishment.

"Goddammit, some piece of shit just outbid me
on this Mama's Family The Complete Series boxed set!

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An Erection Of The Penis

"Look closely at this trading card, and you'll see that C-3PO has a hard-on."

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To Ejaculate Into One's Own Bladder


"Seriously dude, just clamp it off and you'll interjaculate.
Swear to Christ. Best feeling in the world."

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To Masturbate; Also "An Asshole"

"Look at this jackoff, he's taking up
four fucking parking spaces!"

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(UK) Slang, "Penis"

"I could eat a knob at night."

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(18th Century) To Fling or Launch Plague-Bearing
Heaps of Male Genitalia Over The Battlements In Order To Excite or
Dishearten An Entrenched Enemy*

"Pile the slings of your trebuchets high and deep with festering
members, and then, on my mark...prepare to lobcock!"

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 One That Is Formidable, Contemptible, or
Offensive

"If all of you motherfuckers could just go ahead and raise
your hands into the air, I'd be much obliged."

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A Simpleton, Idiot, or Fool

"Man, get yo nupson ass up outta here before I change my
mind!"

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Man Who Uses Coitus Interruptus As A Means of Birth
Control; A Masturbator

"Amongst self-pleasurers, the boy is without peer. Why, just the
other day the little onanist performed his act for the Devlin's
and I. It was quite a treat."

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A Spiteful or Contemptible Man
(Often Having Some Authority)

"Ya motherfucker! I almost had him, I almost had
him. Ya stuttering prick ya."

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(Old English) A Disreputable Woman; A Hussy or Prostitute

"Begone from this place, quean, before I cave thine
head in!"

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External Stimulation Of The Sphincter To Cause
Sexual Arousal

"I couldn't believe she was charging six dollars
extra for rimjobs. I mean, I can see a dollar or two, but six?
No thanks."

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Feces; The Act Of Defecation

"What the shit was that shit all
about?"

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Reasonably Offensive Term For A Woman (Or Her
Vagina)

"Stop her! That crazy twat just stole
my Clark bar!"

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The Rump Of A Bird

"You sir, are nothing but an Uropygium, and I shall have
nothing more to do with you, or your ilk."

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 Italian Slang Meaning "Go Fuck Yourself [In
The Ass]"

"Whaddaya doin'! Oh, real tough guy, eh? Real big man! Vaffanculo!"

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Promiscuous Woman; Woman Who Engages In Sexual Acts
For Money
 
"And so it was that the whore climbed up the escarpment,
and raged until the coming of the dawn."

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Ill-Tempered or Shrewish Woman

"Oh don't pay any attention to Tracy, she's our resident Xanthippe."

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Turkish Slang For Penis

"500,000 Kurus for a black and white television is an
outrageous price to ask. It would please me greatly to see you place a
yarak between your lips and blow upon it. I spit upon your threshold,
and may your children be afflicted with the canine madness."

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1950s Slang For Female Genitalia

"In all my years I've yet to see; A zatch as sweet as sweet
Marie's.
It smelled of honey, not of fleas; And down it I once lost my keys.
It parted once, and thenceforth flee'd; A fuzzy, buzzing, swarm of bees.
In all my years I've yet to see; A zatch as sweet as sweet
Marie's."

 
Sources
Words: The
Phrontistery

Definitions: Merriam-Webster

Font: LivingHell

Photo: Flickr

*Definition obviously false. Lobcock actually means "a stupid blundering person"