Go ahead and play with matches. See if I care.

Chrome. Governor. Dispassionate. Leathery. Crouching. Molybdenum.
Horatio. Turtleneck. What do these words have in common? You guessed
it: None of them would ever be used to describe the aftermath of a
devastating fire. Another thing you don't often hear after a fire is
"Boy, that small child was sure a big help during the fire. It's a good
thing they were properly educated in the art of fire safety."

This is not to say that children are worthless during a fire. Obviously their unconsious forms can be stacked against walls to facilitate access to otherwise unreachable portals of egress, and certainly fastening a number of the pudgier kids around your waist before you leap from a dangerous height would greatly improve your chances of surviving impact, but this isn't I'm talking about. This article is meant educate kids about how they can make themselves useful before they black-out, not after.

Now by this point you may be
saying, "You talk a big game old man, but why don't you put
money where your fat mouth is and tell me exactly what I, the average
non-firefighting child, can actually do to
survive a fire?". A fair question, to be sure, but I'm not sure why you
needed to phrase it so rudely. Honestly. I'm only trying to help here.

In fact, you know what? I'm not even sure a kid like you deserves quality
fire safety tips. Why should I waste my time educating angry, spiteful
little shits? Tell you what: Since you obviously aren't interested in
my actual fire
safety tips,
I'll create a list of fire safety tips especially for undeserving,
mouthy children who don't respect their elders.

This should teach you.


Plan two ways out of your bedroom. The first is usually a door, and the
second is almost always a window.

your room doesn't have a window, it is probably because your parents
don't love you. In fact, I'm positive
they don't love you. Come to think of it, I'm
pretty sure they never even wanted
you in the first place. You wouldn't even exist if they weren't
irresponsible, sex-crazed alcoholics. Also
the other kids at school think you're a dumb-looking poophead, and your
parents got divorced because of you, the stupid little baby who's
of the dark and wets the bed.

Oh, and happy birthday.


Fires need oxygen to survive, so when you come across a fire, the first
thing you should do is break a nearby window and let the oxygen out of
the house before smothering the fire with a pile of oily rags.

Then, cover your head with a plastic bag to keep the smoke out and hide
in the cupboard so the fire can't find you. Oh, and don't make any
noise. It distracts the firefighters.


Alright, time to get
rid of all your toys and stuffed animals. Why? Because they're
flammable, that's why. Now into the trash they go. But
also...why do you even have them? Are you a baby or something? Yeah, I
think you are. A big fat stupid baby. Because only
babies have
toys and stuffed animals. What? Oh, what's a matter? You gonna cry now
baby? Awwww is
the widdle baby gonna cry? Good! Go ahead! Go ahead and cry! It's not like anyone cares.

And I hope while you're crying you think about what you've done. Maybe
next time you'll be more
respectful when an adult takes time out of his busy schedule to write,
format, and hastily edit an in-depth article about fire safety for an
undeserving little brat like you.

You make me sick.


Surprisingly enough, the song "Get Low" by Lil Jon & The East
Side Boyz is chock-full of useful fire survival advice for
kids (couched in jocularity and
ribaldry though they may be).

So what should one do when one is trapped in a burning room? Here's
just some of the advice Lil gives us:

"Get low, get low, get low, get low"
Stay near the ground to
minimize smoke inhalation

"To the window"
your way "to the window" to ascertain whether or not an escape via
defenestration would be feasible.

"To to the wall"
If escape proves
impossible, slump against "the wall" and prepare yourself for the
unspeakable agony that is death-by-immolation.

"Til the sweat drops down my balls"
Hey look out. Fires are

"Let me see you get low (You scared!) Drop that ass to the floor (You
stay close to the ground when making your way through dense smoke. In
addition, you should understand that fear is a perfectly normal
response to have in a lifethreatening situation. But you must not allow
this fear to rule your thoughts and deeds, or cloud your judgment.
Embrace fear. Use it as a source of strength in times of trouble.


bet your parents are hoarders aren't they? I wouldn't be surprised at
all. It'd go a long way in explaining why you turned out the way you
did (and also why you smell so bad).

In any case, here's some
advice for you: Keep one of their urine-filled Mountain Dew bottles in
your room to use as a makeshift fire extinguisher for when one of the
cyclopean mounds of excrement-filled margarine containers, unused baby
clothes, and piss-stained newspapers stacked around your front door
bursts into flame and topples over, imprisoning your family and their
treasured garbage possessions in a fiery, ammonia-stinking tomb of
their own design.

Remember: It's not a question of if
this will happen, it's a question of when. Honestly the
only way you can really avoid it is by running away from home. So maybe
think about doing that.  


you're hungry and your parents are asleep, feel free to use the gas
stove to make some hamburgers for yourself. It's so easy, even a baby
could do it (and you're not a baby,
are you?). First, turn all of the
knobs on the front of the stove as far as they go so they start making
loud clicking noises. Seriously, go ahead. I asked your mommy and she
said it was fine. Perfect. And now y--

Huh? What's that you say?
You still don't feel like an adult? Hmm. Wait, I know something that'll
help. What you're gonna wanna do it sneak up to mommy's room and root
around in her purse until you find her cigarettes and some matches. Got
them? Good. Might as well take some money out of there too while you're
at it. She won't miss it, and she'd probably only use it to buy drugs
anyway. Now, step out into the hallway, light the cigarette and take a
few puffs. It's OK, I won't tell anyone. There you go...See? That
wasn't so bad was it? Refreshing, right?

So NOW I bet you're
feeling good-and-ready to cook like a real adult, right? Perfect. Let's
move on. With the lit cigarette still hanging out of your mouth, head
back downstairs to the kitchen and over to the stove and oh shit wait
the gas is sti--hmm...yeah, it is
it? You know what? Nevermind. Nevermind, it's nothing, forget about it.
I was just going to say the gas is still pretty cheap around here,
isn't it? It's just that I gotta fill up before I go home, you know.
Just popped into my mind. Not important. Let's go. Just keeeep on

Yep, into the olllld kitchen. Right on down the
stairs. Kitchen, kitchen. Gotta love the kitchen. No better place,
right? Kitchening it up. Make sure you keep that cigarette lit though!
That's important. Very important. Maybe the most important thing of
all. You'll see why in a second.

Oh, but hey, I'm just gonna
go grab...something...out of the car? Yeah, that's right. Definitely.
What is it? Well..It's...a present! Yep. A present for you. Really cool
stuff. Unbelievable. So let me just sprint out there as fast as I can,
and I'll be right back.

What? No. Of course I'm
not mad at you anymore. I'm totally
it! Don't even worry. It's all good. Water under the bridge. Seriously,
just go in the kitchen, smoke your cigarette, and wait for me in there.
I'll be back in just a second with that present, I promise.