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Having recently "reconnected" with many former highschool classmates
online has led me to make a shocking discovery: Many of them appear to
have chosen to have children. While I understand that the occasional
"slip-up" can (and most certainly does) occur, the idea that two
intelligent adults would conceive a child deliberately is
beyond my comprehension.
 
The only logical explanation I can come up with is that people who have
children purposefully must be mentally deranged in some fashion. For
truly, what possible reason could a rational human being have for
sacrificing eighteen years of freedom, privacy, financial security, and any
semblance of a social life for a few fleeting moments of narcissistic
parental ecstasy, aside from full-on gibbering madness? I definitely
can't think of any.
 
But hey, I'm not supposed to be discussing the pros and cons of
parenting, I'm supposed to be posting a FAQ on how to be a hugely
irresponsible one.
 
So here. Here it is. I hope you're satisfied.

 

I THINK MY BABY MIGHT BE DRUNK, WHAT DO I DO?

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You are correct in assuming that babies can become drunk. If you notice
any of the telltale signs of drunkenness in your infant (slurred
speech, vomiting, nudity, or the inability to walk) your baby has
probably consumed too much alcohol.
 
Here are a few tips and tricks you can use when dealing with an
intoxicated baby:
 

  1. Give the baby a breathalyzer test. This won't sober him
    up, but it might be a funny thing to see a baby do.
  2. Try "talking the baby down" from it's high. The effects
    of alcohol, like other drugs, exist purely in the infant's mind. If the
    baby's willpower is strong enough, it will be able to fight off
    inebriation.
  3. Some babies are mean drunks. If your baby begins to
    stumble about the room muttering curses through gritted teeth and
    theatrically sweeping objects from countertops, it is probably best to
    leave the room.
  4. Contrary to popular belief, a coffee enema will do little to
    alleviate drunkenness.
    But then again, I suppose it can't hurt to
    try.
  5. Roll your child's 12-sided die (which should have been
    provided by your physician at birth). If you roll a 6 or higher, the
    baby passes a fortitude save and will sober up immediately.

So just follow these simple steps and your newborn should be back to
normal in no time.

 

I AM THE MOTHER OF A 6-YEAR-OLD BOY WHO IS BEGINNING TO DISPLAY
HOMOSEXUAL TENDENCIES. WHAT CAN I DO TO ENSURE THIS BOY TURNS OUT
STRAIGHT?

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Contrary to popular belief, it is in fact possible for young
male children to "turn queer" if they are raised improperly. However,
your question is somewhat difficult for me to answer, as I do not know
the specific traits your child is exhibiting, but diagnosis of a gay
child can be accomplished in a number of ways. Here are some of the
most popular and effective methods:

Homoerotica

Watch man-on-man pornography with the child and try to gauge his
reaction. If the child leans forward with widened eyes and begins
biting his lip, this is probably a bad sign. But if he shouts something
like "eww gross!" or begins to weep openly, gently lead him out of the
room, lock the door, and resume watching the film on your own. 
 

Choice of Toys

If you are the parent of a young boy who shows a keen interest in
dolls, fashion, or cooking from an early age, you should know that your
child is at risk of becoming homosexual. The best way to deal with this
is to cut it off before it begins. Remove all nonviolent toys, brightly
colored clothing, and cooking implements from your home. Then buy the
child a bunch of manly toys such as vintage He-Man and wrestling action
figures. You may also want to hang up a couple of those shirtless
firefighter or cowboy calendars in his room to give him an idea of the
type of manhood he should strive for.
 

A Stranger's Touch

Ask a male stranger (a man who is not known to your child) to walk by
your child and lightly brush the back of his hand against the front of
the child's pants. If the child shrieks out in surprise or terror, he
is probably OK. But if he grins, winks, or shouts "yipee!" before
grabbing the man's hand and placing it down the front of his pants: Be
wary, as this could signal budding homosexuality.
 

Other Children

Your child's peers are often quite good at ferreting out gay children
and tormenting them until they commit suicide. Obviously you needn't
allow things to go this far, but if you begin to notice your child
being bullied in this way, make a mental note of it. Later, you can
send the child off to one of those Christian Homosexual Rehabilitation
camps, where an intense hatred of homosexuality (and therefore
self-hatred) will be imbued in him.
 
Upon successful completion of the camp, he l be given free access to a
secret network of young male prostitutes and closeted state senators
with whom he can messily copulate with in secret. From there, it's
pretty much smooth sailing until male menopause kicks in.
 

COULD A BABY EAT FLOWERS? IF SO WHY?

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Plants would probably be safe for a kid to eat, but then again who
knows. Most plants come from the earth. This means they are 100%
organic and thus not poisonous to humans. The plants you need to be
careful of are the ones from prehistoric (dinosaur) times. One example
of this type of plant would be Trochodendron Drachuckii.
 
For more information on prehistoric plants, you should probably consult
a paleobotanist such as Dr. Ellie Sattler (above left). Many people
assumed she was a paleontologist like Dr. Grant, but this simply wasn't
the case.
 
 

I HAVE A FOUR-YEAR-OLD WHO IS CONSTANTLY ASKING ME QUESTIONS ABOUT
THINGS. WHAT CAN I DO TO STOP IT?

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Once a child is able to speak, they can become something of an
annoyance. As it is no longer possible (due to government suppression
of our freedoms) to violently lash out at an obnoxious child by
striking or biting them, we as parents must find more diplomatic ways
of quieting a bothersome child.
 
I have found the T.R.I.D.E.N.T method to be hugely effective in
ensuring that children remain neither seen, nor heard. Conceived by
eminent child expert Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the T.R.I.D.E.N.T. method
uses a patented three-step approach to keep your kids in line:
 

  1. If your child asks you a question you don't feel like answering,
    simply ignore it. Then, when they ask why you aren't paying any
    attention to them, respond with: "It's probably because I hate you."
  2. If the child continues to ask questions or begins to weep softly,
    begin throwing progressively heavier objects at or near the child until
    the noise ceases.
  3. It is possible to procure large canisters of nitrous oxide at
    dental supply warehouses. These can then be used to gas the child,
    rendering them indifferent or unconscious. Care should be taken,
    however to insure the proper mixture of oxygen and nitrous is used.
    Improper administration of nitrous can result in death, loose stools,
    or atypical giddiness.

I'VE SEEN A LOT OF NEWS STORIES ABOUT BABIES WHO FALL OUT OF
WINDOWS AND SURVIVE? IS IT SAFE TO THROW MY CHILD OUT OF A WINDOW?

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While it's true that There
Are Many Stories
of babies surviving falls from open windows,
one must still remember to take the proper precautions when dropping
children from great heights for fun and diversion. Here're a few tips:
 

Drop, Don't Heave!

The one thing all Infant Fall Survival stories have in common is that
the babies were dropped (not thrown) out of the window. A baby which is
hurled or tossed hastily stands a far greater chance of sustaining
injury than one which is tipped or dropped in a controlled manner. Of
course this assumes you've cleared the landing zone (see next tip).
 

Ensure A Safe Landing Zone

It stands to reason that child who strikes or dry pavement would be
gravely injured, so you're probably going to want to make sure your
baby lands somewhere safer if you want it to survive intact.
 
The most common landing areas are awnings, but don't be afraid to use
your imagination. Areas of thick brush make for great landing zones, as
do convertible cars with cloth roofs and the open arms of unwitting
passersby. Even a baby dropped onto an angled grass embunkment also
stands a decent change of surviving, due to rollage. And if you live in
the old country, consider dropping the child into a large cart full of
straw or hay. I bet witnesses would get a real kick out of a thing like
that. 
 

Safety First!

But at the end of the day, the safety of your baby should probably be
your foremost concern. Babies are our most precious commodity aside
from palladium, really old comics, and cocaine, so keep them close, and
keep them safe.
 
 

FINAL WORD

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In the end, I hope you will hold not hold any grudges against the
children of this earth. While they may start out as helpless, squirming
balls of pants-crapping worthlessness, it isn't long before they've
grow into walking, talking, smug little clones of ourselves upon whom
we can take out our frustrations and impose our dreams until they've
grown old enough to resent and subsequently ignore us.
 
And certainly, if it weren't for the existence of children, we would be
forced to rely solely on the creation of frivolous works of art, the
consumption of consumer goods, or the exploration of an immense, uncaring universe to give purpose to our insignificant
little lives.
 
So the next time you see a child in the street, be sure and thank them; as it might just be the last thing you ever do.*
 
 

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*Sentence may actually be meaningless