The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Wisconsin

Tourists Guide To Wisconsin

There's something about crossing the border from Minnesota into
Wisconsin which has always unsettled me. The feeling would probably
best characterized as crushing despair tinged with an oppressive
pastoral loneliness. It isn't necessarily that the scenery itself is
different, it's more of a vague feeling...as if the sadness
of its residents has somehow seeped into the soil and air, poisoning
it, like fallout from a nuclear blast. Or perhaps more appropriately,
like the solvent vapors from innumerable batches of high-grade
bathtub methamphetamine.
 
So it should be obvious that I'm not particularly keen on the idea of
visiting Wisconsin for fun and diversion, which makes me just the
person to write an overtly antagonistic and highly inaccurate guide of
it for nonexistent tourists.

Choose Your Own Adventure: A Life Of Crime

Grain

It is a particularly fine summer evening. You are taking a shortcut
through a field of wheat, on the way to your job at the bank. Suddenly
you feel a tremendous pressure in your eardrums and a white light
envelops you. You are lifted, struggling, into the belly of a
spacecraft.

An alien approaches and informs you that you are to be the subject of
an experiment on human nature. The alien says you are to receive a
number of randomly assigned superpowers, and that you are free to use
these powers as you see fit.

You rub your hands together and say, “Alright then.”

The alien squeals with delight and flips a switch. A bell rings and the
floor opens up, sending you tumbling out of the ship.

What do you do?

Attempt to fly

Shake your fist
angrily at the ship as you plummet towards earth

Top 10 Rock & Roll Albums of All Time

The Baron's Top 10 Rock & Roll Albums Of All Time

The BaronHowdy
internet fans, it's your old pal Martin "The Baron" Hubley with another
top ten list to shake the foundations of your musical knowledge to
their very cores! Those of you who know me best will agree that I have
one passion and one passion only: Rock & Roll. My naughtiest
fantasy is to climb into a hotrod, crank up my fave rock radio station
to full, and cruise down the coast, honking at thick & juicy honeys
while bobbing my head to the sound of wailing guitars and nonstop drums.
 
Some say rock ain't what it used to be, but I tend to disagree. There
are plenty of high quality rock albums out there, you just have to know
where to look (namely: right here in this very article).
 
Fair Warning: There are going to be some pretty
controversial choices in here, as I don't often follow the crowd. But
keep reading if you've got the guts, and you'll be rewarded with hours
of rock and roll hijinks. That's a promise!

Don't Even.

The Postman
I'm really sick from a virus or methadone withdrawl right now
and I can't post
anything.

So here's a photograph I once found of a 1970s postman.

You had better watch your step.

Rejoice: 20 More Ridiculous Costumes

Rejoice: 20 More Ridiculous Costumes

Awful Halloween costumes are like a wellspring of awfulness that never
seems to run dry. Just when you feel like you've discovered all the ridiculous and borderline offensive costumes the internet has to offer, more
are certain to come bubbling to the surface like solid waste in a
freshly-stirred septic tank.
 
So here are twenty of the freshest and most ferociously terrible
costumes I could drum up without expending much effort.

Weird News (Week of 06.20.10)

Weird News

To me, animals seem pretty gullible. Not just like how dogs always fall
for the "pretend to throw a ball" trick either. I mean how whenever a
superhero gets the ability to communicate with animals, the animals
always do whatever he says. What, just because he now speaks your
language you're suddenly willing to drop what you're doing and attack
whoever he says? Some people have a lot nerve.

If I were a group of
wandering badgers, and some human tried to boss me around, I'd just
laugh and crawl back into my badger cave or wherever. Who are you to
me? Some human who throws rubbish in the forest. Get lost.
 
But I guess I'm not a group of wandering badgers, so maybe I'll just
keep my fat mouth shut.

The Haunting

The Haunting

"Ah, this is the life," I said, settling into my easy chair and taking
a sip of orange drink, "Not a care in the world."
 
I glanced at the clock. 6:04. The show had already begun. Grinding my
teeth in anticipation, I flipped on the television. A fierce battle
sequence erupted on screen. I rocked and squirmed in my chair, punching
the air and feeling every blow. Captain Niros kicked a bandit in the
face, sending him tumbling to the bottom of a steep incline, where he
was graphically impaled on a number of jagged rocks. Suddenly the title
card appeared: "Legendary Journey". I cheered, pumping my fist, and
cleared my throat in anticipation of the theme song.
 
Click, went the television, changing to channel 46. The intro to a
funniest videos program blared from the speakers.
 
"Um, excuse me," I said, to no one in particular, "I was watching that."