5 Shocking & Obscene Things You Won't Believe Are Actually In The Bible

It has been said that if The Bible were to be made into a film, it would be one of the filtheist, most violent, most outrageously obscene films ever made. And truly, what Good Christian Parent would allow their child to see a film which contained graphic depictions of murder, incest, rape, bestiality, and infanticide? Hopefully none, but then again, who can say? It is the word of god, after all.
 
Obviously I have not read The Bible (because why would I?), but I did do some research and have managed to come up with five of the most amusing, inappropriate, and potentially offensive passages contained therein. And yeah, this gets pretty graphic, so don't say I didn't warn you.

1. A BRUTAL GANG RAPE

It's always the same old story isn't it? A man and his prostitute are visiting your house when a gang of ruffians pounds on the door and demands to have nonconsensual group sex with him. You offer them your virgin daughter instead (in ancient times it was considered "impolite" to allow your male guests to be raped), but they're not much interested in her, as they had their hearts set on some man-on-man sodomy action. 
 
So finally you decide to toss out your guest's prostitute, figuring she will have to do in a pinch. Reluctantly, they agree to settle for whore-ass over man-ass (which is lucky for your guest, seeing as angry sex mobs aren't often open to compromise), and they spend all night taking turns beating and savagely raping the woman, and leave her to bleed to death on your front steps while they go out for a pancake breakfast.
 
The next morning, your guest comes to the front door, finds his whore dead, shrugs, and decides to hack her body into twelve pieces and send them "into all the areas of Israel", because hey: What better way is there to mourn the loss of a beloved whore than by vivisecting her freshly violated corpse and mailing her to various places? I certainly can't think of any.
 
And just in case you don't believe something like this could possibly be in the bible, here's the passage so you can see for yourself:

22 While they were enjoying themselves, some of the wicked men of the city surrounded the house. Pounding on the door, they shouted to the old man who owned the house, “Bring out the man who came to your house so we can have sex with him.”

23 The owner of the house went outside and said to them, “No, my friends, don’t be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don’t do this outrageous thing. 24 Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But as for this man, don’t do such an outrageous thing.”

25 But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. 26 At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight.

27 When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. 28 He said to her, “Get up; let’s go.” But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home.

29 When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel.

One can only hope that this was intended as a cautionary tale (as opposed to an instructional one), but unfortunately God is yet to clarify the purpose of its inclusion in the bible. Give Him another couple thousand years, I'm sure he'll get around to it eventually.

 

 

2. FATHER-DAUGHTER INCEST

There are certainly More Than A Few Incestuous Stories in the bible, and to this day remains somewhat unclear what is and is not to be considered incest. For example: It is perfectly acceptable for a man to have sex with his Niece or daughter, according to God. So feel free to go to town on that, I suppose.
 
But one incest story in the bible stands out as being particularly disgusting: The tale of Lot and his two daughters in Genesis 19. See, it turns out Lot was...well, maybe it's better if I just let God explain it in His own words...

30 Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and settled in the mountains, for he was afraid to stay in Zoar. He and his two daughters lived in a cave. 31 One day the older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is no man around here to give us children—as is the custom all over the earth. 32 Let’s get our father to drink wine and then sleep with him and preserve our family line through our father.”

33 That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and slept with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

34 The next day the older daughter said to the younger, “Last night I slept with my father. Let’s get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and sleep with him so we can preserve our family line through our father.” 35 So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went in and slept with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

36 So both of Lot’s daughters became pregnant by their father. 37 The older daughter had a son, and she named him Moab; he is the father of the Moabites of today. 38 The younger daughter also had a son, and she named him Ben-Ammi; he is the father of the Ammonites of today.

The lesson here is perfectly clear: If you, (a Good Christian Man) live in the middle of nowhere with your two young daughters, it is perfectly acceptable for you to engage in sexual intercourse with them in order to assure the continuance of your family line.

I mean, sure, while it'd be hypothetically possible for you to "leave the mountains and move to a town", that would be a whole lot of work. It is far more logical to simply impregnate each of your daughters in turn and then die, leaving them to raise two clubfooted, droop-eyed incest babies on their own.

Makes perfect sense to me.

 
 

3. GOD KILLS MAN FOR EJACULATING ON FLOOR INSTEAD OF INSIDE SISTER-IN-LAW

As you may or may not be aware, the bible has some fairly strict rules about what a man is supposed to do with his ejaculate. It should go without saying that ejaculate is not to be drunk, bathed in, sprayed indiscriminately about the room, or discharged into the orifices of [certain] relatives. But did you know that it is also a sin to eject semen onto the floor?
 
It's all right there in Genesis 38. God kills Judah's son Er (who was apparently evil), so Judah asks his other son (Onan) to impregnate Er's widow as a personal favor to him. Onan is none too pleased about this, and so he shows some bad judgement during sex. Check it out:

6 Now Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, and her name was Tamar.

7 But Er, Judah's firstborn, was evil in the sight of the LORD, so the LORD took his life.

8 Then Judah said to Onan, " Go in to your brother's wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother."

9 Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother's wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother.

10 But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.

So let that be a lesson to you: If your dad ever asks you to have sex with your dead brother's wife, you had better not pull out and ejaculate on the floor instead of impregnating her, or God will strike you dead on the spot.
 
 
 

4. GOD THINKS WOMEN SHOULD SHUT UP AND GET PREGNANT

A lot of people like to harp on Islam's when it comes to how their holy book says women are to be treated, but if you take an objective look at it, Christianity doesn't fare much better on this front. The bible is chock full of sexist and mysogenistic bullshit. Here's just one example (of hundreds); see if you can pick out the subtle message God's trying to get across:

11 A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet. 13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve. 14 And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. 15 But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.

Inspiring stuff huh? All in all, this passage makes it pretty clear how far humanity has strayed from God's intended path. I think it's high time we got back on the road to holiness by working to get all female teachers and women in positions of authority fired and forcing them to wear modest 17th century dresses. If any of them resist, we can just tell them to shut up, explain how the world works, and then impregnate them.
 
What!? It wasn't my idea, I'm just following God's instructions. I am merely his vessel. If any of you ladies have a problem with this, take it up with him, but in the meantime, I certainly hope you can figure out how to keep your mouths shut and your legs open.
 
Amen.
 


 

5. PROTIP: DESTROY INFANTS FOR REVENGE

Psalm 137 is ostensibly the self-told story of a group of people who were enslaved after their city was razed to the ground. It's all fairly standard religious fare ("oh woe is us", plenty of weeping, etc) until the last couple lines when the slaves express how happy it would make them to take their captor's infants and smash them to death on the rocks:

7 Remember, LORD, what the Edomites did on the day Jerusalem fell. “Tear it down,” they cried, “tear it down to its foundations!”

8 Daughter Babylon, doomed to destruction, happy is the one who repays you according to what you have done to us.

9 Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks.

Shockingly enough, many Christians find this portion of the psalm to be somewhat distasteful, and so have seen fit to "edit it out" when whenever it is performed as a song or read in church. Some may see this sort of "cherry picking" as hypocritical, or even as blasphemous, but I can assure you that this is certainly not the case. Christians have a long and storied history of conveniently ignoring (if not outright dismissing) the portions of the bible which they find disturbing or do not personally care for, so "accidentally" leaving out a shocking or barbaric portion of The Good Book is far from unprecedented.
 
I'm sure God didn't mean to leave all that evil stuff in there anyway. Certainly Christians are allowed to edit the bible however they so choose. I mean, it's not like it's is regarded as being "100% The Word Of An Absolutely Infallible God, No Exceptions", or anything. The Lord wouldn't have given you a brain if He didn't want you to adulterate and defile the holy book He passed down to you, right?