Yeah yeah, I heard it all before. I don’t think anybody wants to see another one of these articles. But I can’t help it, I get tons of mail from people who just want to vent about their frustrations with the world. What do you mean “you thought these articles were fake”? Frankly I’m offended. […]
I know a lot about surviving in the cold, alright? I live somewhere called the Midwestern United States, ever you heard of it? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Here’s how the seasons work here (and why I know so much about the cold): Winter (11 Months): It’s true. Spring (15 Days) Temperatures rise to […]
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Advice Column: Relationship Trouble
I feel I have a lot of good advice to give, but usually nobody wants to hear it. Oftentimes I find myself reading newspaper advice columns and angrily shouting out the answers to the questions people have asked. Usually the other patients get scared when I do this. Then the lady in the white dress […]
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Worthless Guide To Anime – Part 2
<Continued from Part 1 The first thing most people notice about anime shows are the ridiculous names they’ve been given. Talk about a turn-off. I mean, who in the world is going to go see something called Ah, My Goddess in the listings and flip over to check it out? A bored seven-year-old girl maybe, […]
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Drug Diary 2: Heroin
So yeah, as I explained in the first article of this series, I got a friend of mine to agree to undertake a private and possibly fictional study. Every few days he would ingest a single illegal substance, head to work, and record what happened. Here the results of his experiment with Heroin which I […]
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MONKEY BUTLERS: THEIR USES AND ABUSES
Author’s Note: This is the first article I published on this website upon its creation in 2003. Due to its inherent value to society and literature I have made no attempt at editing it or rewriting it (aside from reformatting everything, excising huge sections, and rewriting many of the sentences). There were originally some images […]
More real stories from the highway patrol. (Note: This article may not (and most certainly does not) contain even a single reference to the highway patrol or anything like that (except for in this first part)). Thanks!
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Worthless Guide to Pogs
A certain time in recent American history: Tommy jukes down a dim elementary school hallway wearing in a green Starter Jacket, the sullen bass intro of Ice Ice Baby burbling from a boombox on his shoulder. He passes a boy in a faded Voltron T-Shirt. The boy mutters under his breath and probes compulsively at […]
Being stranded on a desert island is no laughing matter, for death is always close at hand. The possibility for escape is almost nonexistent. The ocean is filled with ravenous sharks. If you stay in the sun your virgin flesh will be charred so severely that it will simply slide from your flank like a […]
“What is anime!?” Someone screams from a nearby rooftop, catching my attention as I pass by on the street. The wind whisks the words away before they reach my ears, forcing me to guess at his question. “7:36!” I shout back. Flustered, the man cups his hands to his mouth and tries again, “WHAT! IS! […]
Japan! They don’t call it The City of Angels for nothing. Many people live there, and a number events have been known to take place within its borders. But this article isn’t about any of that. It’s just that I’ve gotten a number of imaginary requests for a complete list of thirty-one (31) things which […]
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Review: Things I Have Punched
I think I have a real rage problem. When I get frustrated I tend to punch or throw products and equipment. Maybe deep down I really have a problem with my own consumerism or something, who knows.