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Sainted / Tainted 6: Roadrage & Fireworks

Yeah
yeah, I heard it all before. I don’t think anybody wants to see another
one of these articles. But I can’t help it, I get tons of mail from
people who just want to vent about their frustrations with the world.

What do you mean “you thought these articles were fake”? Frankly I’m
offended. Do you really think I would waste my precious time writing
this crap? It would take forever and nobody would even see it.

Yeah
yeah, I heard it all before. I don’t think anybody wants to see another
one of these articles. But I can’t help it, I get tons of mail from
people who just want to vent about their frustrations with the world.

What do you mean “you thought these articles were fake”? Frankly I’m
offended. Do you really think I would waste my precious time writing
this crap? It would take forever and nobody would even see it.

Tainted

Parking LotThat
F***ing C**t of a woman with the Wisconsin license plate in the parking
lot at the f***ing Zoo the other day.  I was just trying to take
my G****mnned kids to see the f***ing lions and you, being the
worthless b**ch mother of a harpy you are, were just sitting your
rotund ass directly in the middle of the motherf***ing aisle waiting
for a close parking spot (probably because your heart would explode out
of your f***ing chest if you had to haul that f***ing sack of lard you
call your ass farther than 10 feet). Sweet merciful f***. My f***ing
kids wouldn’t stop screaming in the backseat. I was ready to scream and
slam the f***ing gas to smash right into the back of that piece of s**t
Buick of yours. F**k F**k F**k!

– Rageaholic Father

Sainted

Dork GamerThe
inventors of video games. My son used to be a real handful, but now
that he’s discovered video games I never have to worry about him at
all. He used to stay out all hours of the night taking lord knows what
drugs and having relations with lord knows whom. Now all he ever does
is lie in a beanbag chair in front of our TV with a bag of cheese puffs
on his chest. His eyes are usually glazed over and he is breathing
heavily, but at least I know where he is and that he is safe. He’s also
gained quite a bit of weight, and his teeth are rotting out from soft
drinks. Honestly though, I’d rather have a fat son at home than a thin
healthy one roaming the streets. Thanks.

 – A Satisfied Mom

Tainted

Hot SunBall
of fire in sky. Burn bright. Burn skin. Me go out in light, me hurt and
smoke from self. Me only go out when ball of fire hide. Ball of fire
fall under ground one time every dark time. Ball of fire covered some
light time by smoke up above. Me go out then. Find pretties. Find food
eat. Sometimes me spotted by hew-mans. Hew-man make loud thing and
scare away. Hew-man go on steam creature with smoke from tail and
roaring head. Me stay away from steam creature. Steam creature kill own
friend Nim-Nim. He good but not so smart. Run in before steam creature
on stone path to kill with stick to make good eat. Me tell no go but
nim not listen and steam thing kill. Me Bury nim at nim home in forest.
Now me all alone.

 – Glardok

Sainted

Fireworks DisplayThe
Johannasburg Park workers. Frankly this was a tossup between a Saint
and a Taint, but in the end I went with a Saint. My family and I
recently attended a night of fireworks at Johannasburg Park. The
display was supposed to be postponed until the next day it if rained.
It did rain, but the display carried on anyway. This was very annoying,
as my wife forced me to stay and watch because she didn’t want to hear
the children complaining. I was soaked to the bone. There was a silver
lining however: One of the fireworks apparently malfunctioned because
of the rain and shot straight out into the crowd, lighting one elderly
man’s sportcoat on fire. His family quickly threw a blanket over him,
and he wasn’t hurt, but I was still greatly entertained. Kudos.

 – Mike @ The Park

 

Tainted

Spam FolderThe
company that sent me the free penis enlargement offer by electronic
mail. I was interested in your product, as I feel I have been
shortchanged in that particular department. I responded to your offer
with my credit card number and name and address, but have yet to
receive any of your products in the mail. Is this any way to treat a
valued customer? I think not.

If anyone else received an email from the
company FrEeVIcoDInOxyCOnTin- ValiUmPenisSlUTXXXCasHAddERall, I wouldn’t so much as
give them the time of day. FreeHardFreeMoistFreeSexMeds.com is getting
all of my business from now on.

– Short & Disgruntled

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