Review: Things I Have Punched

I think I have a real rage
problem. When I get frustrated I tend to punch or throw products and
equipment. Maybe deep down I really have a problem with my own
consumerism or something, who knows.

I think I have a real rage
problem. When I get frustrated I tend to punch or throw products and
equipment. Maybe deep down I really have a problem with my own
consumerism or something, who knows.

I can’t really control it either,
I think it’s just my nature. I’m probably lucky
that I damage and not people though. You usually won’t go to prison for
smashing a computer
monitor with a hammer, but you probably would if you crushed a guy’s
skull with
one. But yeah, read on if you want to see a tally of all the different
stuff I’ve broken over the years and how it held up.

Relevant information about me:

Birthyear: 1983

Height: 6’2”

Weight: ~185

Video Game Controllers

Broken Controller

Estimated Number
Damaged (By system)

System  #
NES   0
PS1  3
PS2 10
GC  2
XB360 1
PC  6
TOTAL    24


Final Cost at $28 per controller: $672  



Most video game controllers are made of a thin plastic and are not
highly durable. I think more game companies really should take into
account the pent-up frustrations of an entire generation of young men
when designing these things.

But I would actually like to single out and commend the durability of
the official Guitar Hero 3 controller:

Guitar Controller

Sure, the game itself might have been an terrifyingly ugly, clunky,
overcharted, and somewhat unfun series cash-in with the most
appallingly offensive and idiotsavantesque boss battles ever conceived
by utter morons, but the controller sure is reliable. At one point the
game’s absurd difficulty level caused me to become filled with rage and
hatred for all things in existence. So I held the controller by the
neck and smashed it into the ground (hard) a few times, and then leaned
it against the couch at a 45 degree angle and stomped it. Still works

Injuries Sustained

I would not classify video game controller throwing
as a high-risk activity. This is not to say, though, that injury is
impossible. Here are a few things they should probably add to game
console instruction manuals:

  1. Thrown controllers sometimes bounce back and may strike
    user in sensitive areas

    Safety Warning

  2. User may be whipped about eyes or face by trailing cord of
    thrown controller

  3. Gnawing angrily at pieces of controller may damage teeth
    and is not recommended

  4. User should be wary of hand lacerations caused by
    shattering of punched controller

  5. It should also be noted that when heaving a reasonably
    heavy XBOX
    360 controller to the ground with gusto, great care should be taken to
    ensure that said controller does not strike one’s user’s own foot and
    fracture a pinky toe



Game controllers make for good breaking. If you can afford to keep
buying new ones, I highly recommend it. Just be sure not to throw it at
the TV or the console. That’s a much more expensive tantrum.

Walls & Doors

Punched Wall

Estimated Number


Total Cost: Nothing. Nobody ever made me pay.

Go Team Rocket!
Ever since I was a kid I’ve punched holes in doors and
walls when I’ve gotten mad. Sure, it isn’t exactly the nicest thing to
(especially when the door belongs to someone else) but it’s actually
pretty satisfying! It makes you feel tough too, punching holes in
things and whatnot. And it usually doesn’t hurt.

Also, if you don’t fix it the hole, a cute girl might ask about it.
Then you can impress her by telling the story about when you were
seventeen and your mom sold all your Pokemon cards for twelve dollars
at a garage sale because she thought you were too old for them and you
screamed “I had an EFFING MEWTWO in there worth like A HUNDRED
DOLLARS!” and began crying and punched the wall.



Walls and doors aren’t usually meant to take punches, so they often
cave in a little. Unless you punch a stud or a solid oak door, in which
case: you have broken your hand.  

Injuries Sustained

Red Knuckles

Various minor injuries. Sometimes I cut my hand and it bled a little,
but usually my knuckles just got red and swelled up

slightly. A few
times I thought I broke my hand, but the pain usually went away in a
few hours or months. So probably everything was alright.



Punch walls. Punch doors.
It’s great!

Computer Screens

Cracked Laptop

Estimated Number


Total Cost: $190 (1 Replacement Screen)




It isn’t a
good idea to leave a hammer sitting on your computer desk if you are
prone to fits of anger. It might come into your head one day to
half-jokingly/half-angrily clunk the hammer into your CRT monitor,
leaving an annoying chip right in the center of the screen as a
constant reminder of how stupid you are.

Tip 2:
Laptop computers are not
designed to take a quick jab to the screen. They are ALSO not designed
to withstand having the top of the screen gripped tightly by the user
while he cracks his fist into the screen three or four more times and
then lets go before giving it one final blow, sending it clattering
backwards off a high counter and onto a tile floor while he shouts,
“Nonononono!” as if he didn’t realize what was going to happen.

Injuries Sustained

Me: Substantial
damage to sense of self worth

Monitor: Irritating
cosmetic damage.

Laptop: Shattered
LCD screen, complete with rainbow spiderweb cracks.



Don’t punch your computer
or hit it
with a hammer. And if you ever do, don’t tell anyone because only a
really huge
nerd would do a thing like that.

Jedi Dork

But that’s all I can think of right now. I’m sure I’ve punched other
things, so when I remember I’ll write another article to help everyone
out. Also if anyone reads this (I doubt it) feel free to write in with
stories of interesting things you’ve punched and I’ll probably post them to make myself feel better.

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