If there’s one thing I’ve learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women’s magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it’s this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please. Don’t be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you ladies. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due to the female brain’s seeming inability to properly process and accept patronizing statements or explanations made by me.
It’d probably help if I explained this using a pop-culture touchstone of straight women everywhere: Trivia related to the 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas. As most of you ladies are aware, upon attending the premier, actor Paul Sorvino was so shocked and unsettled by the film that he temporarily regretted appearing in it. But with the passage of time, he came to recognize that the confusing feeling he had experienced in that theater was not hatred or disgust, but his mind being blown. He he later would later theorize that the film was so good that it had left him “in a state of shock.”
So all I ask is that you think of this article as the “Goodfellas” of internet sex guides. The first time you read it, you might think your brain is saying, “This nothing but an unfocused collection of underdeveloped ideas masquerading as a list of sex tips for women and I hope the person who wrote it dies of burns”, when what you’re actually thinking is “while my own intellectual failings have made it all but impossible for me to comprehend these brilliant and revolutionary sex tips, but at least I can still appreciate that the author has written about sex, because hey: Sex.”
So please keep that in mind as you read these sexy sex sex tips about sex.
1. GO GREEN
It’s like the old saying goes: The way to a man’s heart is through a staunch adherence to the core principles of environmentalism. So what better way to gun your male counterpart’s engine than by surprising him with some sexy handmade environmental crafts?
Skeptical? Here are a few ideas that are guaranteed to satisfy the primal urges of the male you’ve chosen to settle for:
- Recycled Paper Grocery Bag Poncho
- Macbook Pro Laptop Sleeve Knitted From Your Filth-Encrusted Dreadlocks
- “All-Natural” Toaster Pastries Made With 100% Organic Ingredients (Organic Beet Sugar, Woodpulp, Cloves, Formaldehyde)
- Patchwork Carpet Sample Mousepad
- Teacup Candles Made From His Favorite Teacup
- Sex Doll Crudely Fashioned From Empty Plastic Soda Bottles, Soiled Disposable Diapers, & Human Skin
- Pouch Of Ephedra Powder Purchased From Shifty Online Retailer With Vaguely Asian Sounding Name
- Baffling, Mostly-Incoherent Lecture On The Evils Of Corporate Pig Farming
- Discarded Apple Core Which Kinda Resembles Early US Senator Nathaniel Chipman (1797-1803) If You Squint Real Hard
I’m sure that right about now, most of you are probably wondering what giving a guy shitty crafts has to do with pleasurable sex. This is an excellent question, and I do have the answer, but regrettably I’m currently not at liberty to divulge it at the current time due to various restrictions, injunctions, and other sorts of proceedings. You understand, I’m sure.
2. ROLEPLAYING
Roleplaying during sex is a great way to spice up a relationship that has fallen into a slump. Or so I’ve heard. Truthfully I’ve got to rely on the experience of others when it comes to things like roleplaying, since all of my [many, many] relationships have been so hugely successful that I have absolutely no idea what it would even be like to be in a somewhat troubled relationship, let alone the sort of slump which would require a roleplaying revival.
But I also have to admit that I’m hesitant to try. My fear is that the “roleplaying” version of me would have his (already potent) sexual aura amplified to such an extreme degree that it would make him literally irresistible to every other human being he came into contact with, regardless of their age, gender, or sexual preference.
And while having every man, woman, and child in a room tear their clothes off and heave their sweat-soaked bodies at me in a frenzied sexrage each time I came through a door would probably be pretty amusing the first couple times it happened, I can’t imagine it’d stay fun for very long.
But getting back to the topic at hand: From what I’ve been able to gather from listening in on other people’s phone conversations, roleplaying during sex is not all that difficult. You simply choose a scenario (The Stableboy & The Pizza Delivery Boy, The Tuberculosis-Afflicted Robber Baron & The Lithe Young Street Urchin, The Grizzled Loner Angrily Masturbating To A Best Buy Flier In The Airport Bathroom & The Texas State Senator Who Watched With A Curious Mixture Of Shame & Excitement Through A Crack In One Of The Stall Doors, etc), let it play out for a bit, and then have some fun with your partner.
3. GET A JOB
Nothing is more attractive to a man than a woman with a job. And thanks to the feminist movement, the modern workplace is more receptive to women than ever. In fact, there are some fields in which women are sometimes paid nearly as much as men. Talk about progress!
Anyway, just in case any of you women are looking for suggestions of “sexy” careers, I’ve spent several minutes compiling this list for you:
- Nurse
- Head Nurse
- Flight Attendant
- Secretary
- Factory Girl
- Teacher
- Human Resources Lady
- Pretty Tobacco Company Lobbyist
- Pet Groomist
- Milkman
- Model Ship Enthusiast
- Female Cop
And before you get all weepy about the prospect of being away from your precious household appliances for eight hours every weekday, remember that you’d only be doing these jobs until you get pregnant, after which you’ll be allowed to quit so you can spend the next 18+ years raising the child to adulthood. Also, the more kids your husband demands of you, the more vacation time you’ll get.
Sounds like a pretty sweet deal if you ask me.
4. FALSELY CONFESS TO CHEATING
Crazy though it may seem, there’s really no better way to get your man re-interested in you than by falsely claiming to have slept with someone else. To ensure this farce ends in the least murdery way possible, it’s probably best to try to choose someone fictional (as opposed to a close family friend), just in case your guy friend gets it in his head to track down and exact violent revenge upon the person (or persons) you choose as your fictional beau.
Since you’re making it all up anyway, you might as well go with someone exciting and dangerous, like a surly carwash attendant of indistinct ethnicity, a pair of elderly wheelchair-bound half-brothers, an escaped galley slave who has ostensibly traveled through time, or the actor who did the voice of the dog Wishbone on the TV show Wishbone. But in truth, your fictional partner needn’t be outrageous to be effective. Most men are fairly insecure, so if you manage to come up with a story which is even remotely plausible, it’s almost certain he’ll believe it.
Then, all that’s left is to wait a few days (you’ll staying with your mother) before shooting him a quick text message letting him in on the gag. At this point he will realize how important you are to him, the two of you will share a laugh, and he’ll move back in after realizing that his feelings for you are stronger than ever.
Either that, or he’ll be so outraged that he’ll break up with you forever. But honestly, if this is how he reacts, he probably wasn’t the right guy for you in the first place, so this would really be a blessing in disguise!