Like the other books in the “Guides For Dating A Stereotype” series (other titles include “Japanese Women: They’ll Do What You Say”, “Indian Men: The Tech-Savvy Jewels of The East”, and Black Chicks: As Is The Case With People of Any Race, Some of Them Might Occasionally Be Loud or Outspoken And if You’re The Sort of Person Who Doesn’t Normally Notice Or Pay Much Attention To Black Women This May Lead You To Falsely Assume That Black Women Are Louder In General Because You’ll Not Have Been Noticing The Black Women Who Are Quieter) How To Date a White Woman is advertised as “your one-stop shop” for information on dating a particular ethnic subset of humanity (in this case, white Women).
While I want to make it clear that while this is ABSOLUTELY a real book, I definitely didn’t read it. Not just due to money, but also because of how stupid it probably is. I’m sure it’s just stuff like, “White women don’t like spiders”, “White women enjoy tea that tastes like dirt”, “White women always want to ride in Venetian gondolas”, “The blood of a white woman is the only thing which can slake your gnawing, bottomless thirst” or whatever.
I bet I can come up with some great white woman tips without even reading it. Watch.
TIP 1: WHITE WOMEN NEED TO GO PLACES
One of the biggest hurdles you’ll face when dating white women is that she will constantly ask you to to go places with her. A typical conversation would go something like this:
White Woman: I’m tired of sitting around. Why don’t we go out to eat; we never go anywhere.
Me: What? We ate at that Hospital Cafeteria when your sister broke her foot. They had trays and everything!
WW: I really wish you’d take me seriously. I’m starting to question your commitment to this relationship.
ME: Oh but look! The Magic Bullet infomercial is on again! Wanna watch it?
WW: Hmm…yeah, no thanks. I think I’d prefer to do something that isn’t an unbelievable waste of time.
ME: Okay, how about this as a compromise then: We’ll watch this until you fall asleep, and then I’ll sit in the dining room sorting boardgame pieces into various containers until 4AM. It’s a win-win!
WW: Compromise? You want to talk about compromising? How about going camping with me as a compromise? It really bothers me that you always laugh in my face when I bring it up. Camping has always been a huge part of my life, especially since Dad died. It’s something he and I always did together. It’s super important to me.
ME: Yeah well “not going camping” has always been a big part of MY life for as long as I can remember. Camping is something traumatic MY dad always made ME do! Whenever I visit him I get these terrible flashbacks. Like everything will be normal and then suddenly I’m in a lawnchair near a bonfire or sitting in a little boat while he shows me how to fish. It’s horrible.
WW: The thing that hurts most is that you don’t even PRETEND to respect the things that are important to me. You never allow anything to become important to you because if you did, it’d open you up to being hurt, and you can’t deal with that.”
ME: “Wait, look: They’re showing how to make salsa now. Just three short presses to the lid of The Magic Bullet! The Haircurler Cigarette Lady and Hawaiian Shirt Fat Guy are loving it! Storebought salsa is for immigrants!”
WW: “I can’t be around you anymore. I have to go.”
ME: “Wait, check it out: this part is black-and-white. Look, she pours a whole pitcher of eggs into the blender and turns it on without closing the lid! Bluuuuurp! Egg juice everywhere! What a mess! Should’ve gotten the Magic Bullet!”
WW: “Why would she be blending eggs?”
ME: “Look, each Bullet Cup has little colored rings so they can tell which drink belongs to them. This is some party!”
So as you can see, white women can be a real handful.
TIP 2: IF THEY EVER SAY “I’M SO FAT”, DON’T REPLY WITH “OH I DON’T MIND”
In my opinion, the biggest mistake Asian men make with white women is that they are constantly proactively reassuring them that their weight doesn’t matter.
I can’t COUNT the number times I’ve seen Asians overhear a white woman say “I’m so fat” and subsequently tap them on the shoulder and say, “I’m an Asian, and I just wanted to let you know that your weight doesn’t bother me. You’re beautiful at any size.” Bad idea! Don’t do this! They never fall for it, and even if they did: They won’t.
TIP 3: ONLY WHITE WOMEN RIDE HORSES
If you haven’t been on the internet long, you may be unaware that only white women ride horses. Don’t believe me? Perform an image search for “Woman Riding Horse” on any search engine. Go through as many pages of results as you like; it makes no difference. You will find only white women.
AND SO…
As you can see, “How To Date A White Woman: A Practical Guide For Asian Men” will likely be of little use. A better way to figure out how white woman function might be to skulk around in one of those slatted closets you only see in horror movies and occasionally peer out through the slats. You’ll be surprised what you might learn. And hey, who knows, you might just make a friend or two along the way!
FINAL SCORE
2/10