Consider this: One out of every four people will be a victim of terrorism their lifetime. And though this statistic may have just been made up by me, one cannot deny that it is extremely troubling. But never fear: Because I, and I alone, have discovered the secret to eradicating terrorism. I am fully prepared […]
Rejoice, mindless Coca-Cola enthusiasts, for your salvation has arrived. Because now, thanks to whomever the fuck Kurt Adler is, you may now purchase (for the low low price of 25 American Freedom Dollars) a set of plastic string lights in the shape of soft drink cans. These specially designed light sources are 100% guaranteed not […]
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there’s a pretty decent chance you’re going to die. Don’t feel bad, it happens to the best of us. At the very least, you can take solace in the fact that you’re in good company. I have it on good authority that a […]
Choosing the proper name for a newborn child is no easy task. If you choose something too common, your kid may turn out to be a dimwittedly successful but utterly joyless human being like George “The Miser” Lucas, Jay “Lowest-Common-Denominator” Leno, or Steven “I’m Seriously A Real Cop” Seagal. But if you pick something too […]