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Animal Awards: Dogs

A
lot of people love dogs, but I have to say I’m not really a big fan.
They jump up on you, they smell like an open sewer, they slobber all
the time and tear apart your shoes; it’s just a huge mess. The same
thing goes for celebrity dogs. A lot of people tend to romanticize
these animals, but they’ve got all the same vices as regular dogs. They
just didn’t show that stuff on the shows.

For example, if
Lassie really wanted to be truthful, it would show her coming home each
day after rescuing a kid from a fire or whatever she did, vomiting a
bunch of guts from a dead gopher she ate onto the couch, and then she
would spend the rest of the night running back and forth in the living
room barking at a bug on the ceiling. So yeah, dogs are insane, and
here are some more famous ones to prove it.

A
lot of people love dogs, but I have to say I’m not really a big fan.
They jump up on you, they smell like an open sewer, they slobber all
the time and tear apart your shoes; it’s just a huge mess. The same
thing goes for celebrity dogs. A lot of people tend to romanticize
these animals, but they’ve got all the same vices as regular dogs. They
just didn’t show that stuff on the shows.

For example, if
Lassie really wanted to be truthful, it would show her coming home each
day after rescuing a kid from a fire or whatever she did, vomiting a
bunch of guts from a dead gopher she ate onto the couch, and then she
would spend the rest of the night running back and forth in the living
room barking at a bug on the ceiling. So yeah, dogs are insane, and
here are some more famous ones to prove it.

Toto

TotoThe
little black dog from The Wizard of Oz. I’m not sure what type of dog
he’s supposed to be, but whatever it is I hate it. These are the worst
sorts of dogs. Their fur is stringy and eventually gets all ratty, and
the stuff around their eyes and mouth always gets stained brown. But
the worst thing is their bark. Their harsh, yippy, grating, horrible
horrible horrible bark. And they NEVER SHUT UP. If this film was at all realistic Toto would’ve just been barking constantly throughout the entire film. Like this:

So we were just trying to get in to see Oz an- Roff! Roff! Roff! Roff! Toto! Shut up! But anyway we’ve come a very very long way so if yo- Roff! Roff!Roff! Roff! Hey! HEY! Would you STOP?! Please would you stop it! Jesus. But yeah, in any case if y- Roff! Roff!Roff! Roff!Roff! GODDAMMIT! Roff!Roff! Roff! Toto! Roff! Roff! Toto! SHUT THE HELL UP! Roff! Roff!Roff! Roff!Roff! Toto! Roff!Roff! Toto! Roff!Roff! Roff! Toto! Roff!Roff! TOTO I AM TRYING TO TALK TO THIS MAN! Roff!Roff! Roff!Roff! Stop it! STOP IT! Roff!Roff! Stop, Toto stop! Roff!Roff! Oh my GOD that is fucking ENOUGH Toto. Roff!Roff! Roff!Roff! TOTO GODDAMMIT STOP RIGHT NOW! Roff!Roff! Roff!Roff! Roff!Roff! That’s it. Roff!Roff! Roff! That is IT. Roff! Roff! Come here! Come here right now! I’ll teach you a lesson, you little bastard… Roff! Ah-HAH! Gotcha! Now let me see that axe for a second. Just LET ME SEE IT! Alright, here you go…Roff!Ro-ARRRP!

There…now, we’re here to see Oz. Also, do you have a garbage bag or something we can use?

Those Rescue Dogs With the Tiny Barrels

Rescue DogHey!
HEY! What the hell do you dogs think you’re doing?! Don’t give that man
alcohol, he’s freezing to death! Well, OF COURSE it’ll make him FEEL
warmer, you morons, that’s what booze does. All you’re doing is
diverting more blood to his freezing extremities, causing more of it to
cool there and return to his heart, causing his core temperature to
drop! You dogs are killing him! At the very least you could’ve filled
the barrels with hot soup or something. Seriously, didn’t you do any
research before you came up with this idea? Idiots.

What do
you mean “it isn’t your fault, a park ranger hooked it around your
neck?” What the hell difference does that make?! You’re still the one
bounding through the snow and dribbling that shit into some soon-to-be
corpse’s slit of a mouth. But fine. Go ahead and keep it up, you’ll see
what happens.

Dumbass dogs.

Dogmeat

DogmeatAnyone who’s
ever played any of the old Fallout PC games will probably recognize
this ratty old mutt. You always find him wandering around somewhere in
the games, and if you want to, you can feed him some food (an iguana on
a stick, some jerky of indeterminate origin, etc.) and he’ll follow you
around and help you fight.

Well, I use the term “help”
loosely. He’ll pretty much just run up to enemies and bite them for a
while while the two of you shoot at each other. He isn’t completely
useless though. Sometimes he knocks someone down, and might even manage
to kill someone once and a while. But no matter how useful you may find
him, he won’t ever be around for long, because (like most of the
companions in these games) his signature move is running in front of
you in the middle of a battle and getting blown apart by bursts of
gunfire. So look forward to that I guess.

Old Yeller

YellerSome
people might tear up a little when they see the name of this dog. Not
me though. I can’t think of many dogs I hate more than Old Yeller. The
first problem I have is his name. Old Yeller? Talk about white trash.
It sounds like some grizzled old prospector gave him that name, it’s
ridiculous.

Secondly, I don’t think he did anything all that
special. I can’t really remember the movie, but I’m pretty sure all he
ever did was follow the little kid around. Hmm…wait a second. I sort
of remember something…did he fight a bear in that movie? I think
there was a part where a bear attacked the kid and Yeller fought the
bear and scared it away. That could’ve been in Where the Red Fern Grows
or something though. Bah, I can’t remember. Forget it.

Finally,
it always annoyed me that people cried when he got shot. I might remind
you people that he DID have rabies. What did you expect the family to
do, keep him around? Man, the second you let that thing back in the
house it would’ve pounced right on that kid and torn his face apart
like a rotten steak. I say blast him and toss his ratty yellow carcass
into a ravine. Good riddance.

Reno

Top DogThis one is pretty
absurd. Reno is the dog who starred alongside Chuck Norris in the movie
Top Dog. Chuck plays a renegade cop who doesn’t play by the rules
(obviously), and Reno is the dog his Captain assigns him as a partner
(to keep him in line I guess?). The rest of the movie goes exactly how
you’d expect. First there are a bunch of “funny” scenes where Chuck
does stupid things while the dog covers his eyes and makes “arrrooooo?”
sounds, then they come together and take out some huge drug cartel
comprised of about a hundred beefy guys in tanktops, none of whom find
it necessary to use guns.

But I think my favorite thing about
this film is the explanatory quote on the front of the DVD cover. Right
under the picture of Chuck and the Reno poking their heads out from the
center of a giant police badge it says: “One’s tough, one’s smart.”
Think about that for a second. They’re either saying Chuck Norris is
DUMBER than a sheepdog, or that he’s LESS TOUGH than one.

Either way,
it doesn’t make him look too hot.  

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