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Review: Girlscout Cookies

I’m
going to say something that I’m pretty sure has never been said before:
Girlscout cookies are highly overrated. I’m not saying they’re bad, in
fact I don’t mind eating them at all. As far as cookies go, I’d even
rate most of them as slightly above average. But OH NO, that’s not
NEARLY good enough for some people. You’re expected to LOVE Girlscout
cookies, or risk being shunned by the cookie community as some kind of snack fascist or something.

Well listen up: You people don’t
scare me. I’m going to print the truth about these cookies, and there’s
nothing you can do about it. Just you watch.

I’m
going to say something that I’m pretty sure has never been said before:
Girlscout cookies are highly overrated. I’m not saying they’re bad, in
fact I don’t mind eating them at all. As far as cookies go, I’d even
rate most of them as slightly above average. But OH NO, that’s not
NEARLY good enough for some people. You’re expected to LOVE Girlscout
cookies, or risk being shunned by the cookie community as some kind of snack fascist or something.

Well listen up: You people don’t
scare me. I’m going to print the truth about these cookies, and there’s
nothing you can do about it. Just you watch.

Thin Mints

Thin MintsThin
Mints blow. I’m sorry to be crude, but there’s just no other way to
describe these monstrosities. Mint, in a dark chocolate cookie? Are you
people absolutely insane?! It just doesn’t work.

“But wait,”
you might say, “There are plenty of other great-tasting snacks which
combine chocolate and mint into one easy-to-love package!” Oh really?
Name one, I dare you!

I bet you’re probably going to say Junior
Mints. Ha! That’s one of the nastiest candies ever created. The only
reason those things still even exist is because of movie theaters. It’s
nostalgia. People feel obligated to purchase sixteen dollar boxes of
Junior Mints when they see a movie because that’s just the way it’s
always been. You’ll never see anybody buy a pack of these things and
take them home to eat; it just isn’t done.  

What else you
got? Mint M&Ms? Horrible. Mounds? I don’t even know if those have
mint. But even if they do, it doesn’t work in your favor, because those
taste even worse than Junior Mints. But in any case, nothing tastes as
bad as the bitter, stale chocolate and sour mint in these terrible
cookies. Yeechk.

Rating: 1/10

Do-Si-Dos

Do Si DosFirst
of all, let me start out by saying: Really stupid name. It sounds like
something some fat Midwestern housewife in a jean fabric jumper would
come up with. “Oh, wouldn’t if be cute if we named these after a
squaredancing step?” No you ignorant Oxycodode-popping wench, actually
it wouldn’t. It would be ridiculous.

But actually the cookies
themselves aren’t half bad. I’d say they’re up there as one of the best
cookies on this list. Oatmeal on the outside, and peanut butter on the
inside. Sure, they might taste sort of chemicalish, but I have
absolutely no problem with that. It’s part of their mystique.

Rating: 9/10

Trefoils

TrefoilMan,
these cookies are cryptic! First there’s the name. Trefoil? Is that
even a word? I’m pretty sure it isn’t. It might be like a cryptogram or
something. I would try to figure out what it means, except I don’t
really even know what a cryptogram is. And also I don’t really care
enough. Then there’s the design itself. What is it even supposed to be?
A bunch of women’s faces on a shamrock? It makes no sense.

But
anyway these cookies are pretty good. But if you think about it,
they’re really just regular shortbread cookies, and I can buy those at
the store any time I want (for cheaper, even). Also they won’t have a
bunch of weird women’s faces on the front. Stuff gives me the creeps.

Rating: 6/10

Tagalongs

TagalongsGreat,
another stupid name. Change the name of this cookie. When I hear it, it
tells me nothing about what I’m getting. Maybe make it like
Chocobutters or something, I don’t know.

I don’t eat this cookie
very much, but I guess it’s plain cookie with peanut butter on it, and
then chocolate over it. All I have to say about this is: Eeeh. Seems
pretty inessential to me.  If I want something like that, all I
have to do is go to a vending machine and buy a peanut butter twix.
Then, not only to you get two of them, but also you get to see it fall
down off the twisty rack thing, and that’s pretty neat (Oh, and also
there’s a chance you’ll get two packs for the price of one).

So,
until the Girlscouts can offer an experience like this (which is
probably never), I’m going to have to give these cookies a pass.

Rating: 4/10

Other Random Cookies I’ve Never Even Heard Of

Various Cookies20Let’s get through these quickly.

Daisy Go Rounds
Cinnamon AND low calorie? I don’t see how anything could go wrong with that…
2/10

Thanks-A-Lot
I’m going to assume this shortbread cookie is being sarcastic, and I don’t care for it.
0/10

Lemon Chalet Cremes
God no!
1/10

Sugar Free Ch-
That’s enough information for me!
0/10

Dulce De Leche
Hey Wait, carmel striped cookies? Mmmmm, looks good.
10/10

Lemonades
Uhg.
1/10

Samoas

SamoaUh
oh, here’s the racist one. Supposedly they changed the name of these
cookies this year (2009) to something else (Carmel deLites I think)
because Samoas was a bit racist. This upsets me. I always to get really
upset when they change the offensive names of classic cookies. I think
instead of making THIS cookie name inoffensive they should just change all the OTHER cookie names to be inordinately offensive. That way people would come to expect it. Here are my suggestions:

  • Thin Mints: Woptastics
  • Do-Si-Dos: Peeking Suspiciously Through Blinds at the Asians Nextdoor
  • Trefoils: Shortbread Micks
  • Tagalongs: Mulattoe Munchies
  • Daisy Go Rounds: FetusStompers!
  • Thanks-A-Lot: Kill Whitey
  • Lemon Chalet Cremes: Homosexuality is a Choice (And a Sin)
  • Dulce De Leche: Ching Chang Chong I’m Chinese
  • Lemonades: Krautknockers

Umm, yeah. So these cookies are pretty good. A little too much coconut for my taste though.

Rating: 7/10

That
should do it for cookies. I think the only conclusion I can draw from
this article is that it’s fun to make up racist names for products. I
now feel I understand better what it was like to work in advertising in
the 50s. Thanks Girlscouts!

P.S.
If any race or lifestyle feels left out of the racist cookie roundup,
feel free to write in with your background and I’ll personally call you
on the telephone and shout a racist cookie name at you. But I
apologize that there wasn’t enough room in here to cover everyone.

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