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Animal Awards: Dinosaurs

Dinosaurs count as animals, don’t they? I’m fairly sure they do. Well,
it doesn’t really matter because I’m just about to call out the worst
of them. Animals or not, some dinosaurs are about to be pissed off. I
don’t even care either; I’m tough. I tell it like it is, and if some
random plesiosaur doesn’t like it, he can try to email me about it. I’d
love to see him try too, with those fins of his.

These are the kind of
high-end insults against dinosaurs you can expect to hear in this
article, and there’s plenty more where that came from, pal. Intrigued?
I thought so.  

Dinosaurs count as animals, don’t they? I’m fairly sure they do. Well,
it doesn’t really matter because I’m just about to call out the worst
of them. Animals or not, some dinosaurs are about to be pissed off. I
don’t even care either; I’m tough. I tell it like it is, and if some
random plesiosaur doesn’t like it, he can try to email me about it. I’d
love to see him try too, with those fins of his.

These are the kind of
high-end insults against dinosaurs you can expect to hear in this
article, and there’s plenty more where that came from, pal. Intrigued?
I thought so.  

Godzilla

Godzilla, Godzilla!
Alright, Godzilla is not a dinosaur. I would say he’s a dragon if he’s
anything. But definitely not a dinosaur. Is anyone going to argue this
point with me? I hope not, because all I have to do is bring up the
fact that he breathes fire. Ah, got you there! I bet you feel pretty
foolish right about now, don’t you? Thinking a dinosaur could breathe
fire…that’s rich.

But since everyone seems to think Godzilla is a dinosaur, I feel
comfortable having him on this list. And why is this? Because he’s reckless,
that’s why. I know originally his only goal was to stomp around
smashing a bunch of Japanese cities, and who could blame him? You have
to admit, the Japanese can be pretty annoying sometimes (almost as bad
as the Dutch). But in later films, Godzilla decides he wants to be
good, and fights against other monsters. Which would be fine, if he
weren’t so haphazard about it. During the fights he just stumbles
around thoughtlessly, pulverizing building after building, and causing
countless deaths.

I think the Japanese were finally just like: Hey man, we appreciate the
effort, really we do, but honestly, I think we probably would’ve been
better off if you had just let us handle the giant lobster creature. We
WERE bombing it with jets, you know. Maybe you didn’t notice, but we
were. I think we might’ve even been starting to hurt it too; I think I
sort of
saw it flinch once. It really was only a matter of time. But hey, I
guess there wasn’t any reason for us to do that I guess, because you
wallowed in, crushed one of our
oldest bridges, grabbed the thing by the claw, and tossed it off into a
skyscraper full of people.

So thanks a lot.

Real helpful.

That Baby Dinosaur from Dinosaurs


Lots of sugar isn’t good for babies.

Various Dinosaur Transformers

Dinobots
Transformers! Those are cool, right? No. Actually they are not.
Transformers are nothing but a bunch of dead-eyed robots turned into a
cartoon by greedy marketing geniuses in order to sell toys to dense
children who would one day “grow up” into adults who are so emotionally
stunted and pathetic that they would pay 12 dollars in order to see a
major Hollywood motion picture simply because they have some vague
memory watching some poorly animated television show back in the days
when their lives were characterized by irrational hopes instead of a
formless despair they now desperately (but unsuccessfully) attempt to
drown in an avalanche of alcohol and prescription pills.

But, uh, yeah. But you have to admit, the idea of dinosaur transformers
is pretty stupid. They have the same problem most other transformers
had, but amplified. The issue, as I see it, is that the humanoid form
is infinitely superior to anything else a robot could change into.
Think about it. How exactly is a car better than a human? It isn’t.
Cars blow. That goes double for a dinosaur. There’s a reason dinosaurs
are extinct, and it isn’t because they were really good at fighting.
It’s because they are crippled pieces of evolutionary waste, destined
to forever circle the toilet bowl of natural history (or shitty
Saturday morning television history, in this case).

Denver (the Last Dinosaur)

Denver
Denver used to star in his own Saturday morning cartoon series (Denver:
The Last Dinosaur
). Unfortunately, this is the only thing I can
remember about him. Well, aside from part of the theme song. I think
it went a little something like this:



“Denver, the last dinosaur, he’s my friend and a whole lot more.



Denver, the last dinosaur, shows me a world I never saw before .”

I’m pretty sure this song was sung by a child from the show who is
supposed to be friends with Denver. So really, the only conclusion I
can draw from this part of the song is that Denver was the last
dinosaur and also that he probably molested human children. I think that
more than qualifies him to receive this prestigious dino shame award.
May he rot in dinosaur prison forever.  

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