By Bobby Age 12
This is a Q&A which is meant
to answer all the questions a laymen might have about monkey butlers. I
think it’s pretty self explanatory from here.
And if you didn’t read
the main Monkey Butler article: You Had Better Check It Out.
By Bobby Age 12
This is a Q&A which is meant
to answer all the questions a laymen might have about monkey butlers. I
think it’s pretty self explanatory from here.
And if you didn’t read
the main Monkey Butler article: You Had Better Check It Out.
Q. Wouldn’t the monkeys fling their feces all over your house and car? I don’t want crap on my stuff.
A. Maybe. They might do it. It’s hard to predict the
behavior of monkeys sometimes. Personally I’ve never actually seen a
monkey fling crap in-person so it might be a myth. But then again I’ve
never even seen a monkey except on TV, so I’m probably not the best
source of information.
Where did you hear this stuff about crap throwing though? Did the animal planet say that? I suspect that those
people make things up to try and start a rumble with me. If I ever
visit the animal planet studios I am going to go to the reception desk
and when the receptionist isn’t looking I am going to knock the phone
off the hook and take like fifty free animal planet pens. You can
never have too many pens.
Q. So…where will you get the monkeys from anyway?
A. You know what? I don’t even think I’m going to answer that, just because of the asinine way you phrased it. God, what an ass!
Q. HEY HELLO WHERE CAN I GET MY OWN MONEY BULTER?!
A. Aaaaah! Why are you screaming at me? And Money Bulter?
I don’t even know what that is. You’ve got troubles, friend. But to answer the question I assume you were asking: No you can’t buy
them yet. I haven’t had a chance to get started. I have to find somewhere to get a good cup of coffee first. I haven’t
had a good cup of coffee in a while. Do you know if that bookstore on
10th street sells coffee? I thought it might but I’ve never really had the courage to go
in there. It looks like it might be a religious bookstore or something.
Q. So isn’t this a violation of the monkey’s rights?
A. What are you some kind of monkey rights activist? Yeah, sure, monkey’s rights; that’s rich! Here’s a heads up
for you Bubbo, monkeys don’t have rights like other animals. They are
almost like people, maybe like babies, and we all know what
rights babies have. That’s right, none:
- Can babies vote? NO!
- Can a baby open a jar? NO!
- Do babies have jobs? NO!
- Can babies drive a car? NO!
Well…maybe a really smart baby could, but he would have to sit on some
phone books or something, and even then he couldn’t work the gas pedals
unless another smart baby did that for him. But still, that’s TWO
babies driving. I only said one.
Q. Where will the monkey butlers sleep?
A. They sleep on the floor, or
they sleep nowhere. What, will you have me believe that you are going
to buy a tiny monkey-sized bed for a monkey? I would laugh in your
face. Monkeys are about the same height as many Japanese people, and a
lot of them sleep on the floor. At least I think they still do. My only
source of information about Japan is 50s samurai movies. Would someone
please write in and tell me if Japanese people still sleep on the floor?
Q. If I have they we start to become more than friends, should I exchange my sexmonkey for a different model?
A. First of all, there is only
one model of monkey butler. This means you get one shot so try not to
blow it. Hmm…that sure wasn’t the best way to phrase that sentence
was it?
Anyway, don’t worry. Sexual feelings towards any style of butler are normal at first but they will fade in time. People
appreciate the work the monkey butlers do for them, and so feel
obligated to “repay” the monkeys in certain sexy ways.
We need not worry about such things. The monkeys will receive
reward enough in the satisfaction they get from a job well-done.
Remember, feelings are like the ebb and flow of the tides on this
beautiful green and blue orb we call mother earth. Thus: when you reject your
feelings, you reject the earth.
Q. So how will you train the monkeys to do all the things that a butler would do?
A. Allow me to answer your
question with another question: Who is buying all those Mounds candy
bars I always see around? I always see those candies on the shelves but
I have never known anyone to buy a Mounds. I just don’t understand who
would eat those coconut turds.
Q. Will the monkey ever become
agitated with the constant servitude and leap snarling
into onto your chest, tearing at your eyes and gouging your tender face
with it’s tiny, razor sharp claws as you scream “get it off get it off
get it off oh god please get it off” until finally tears into your jugular and misting the walls with your thick red blood?
A. Yeah! I heard about that once! Some guy was teasing a monkey
with a fishing pole or something and the monkey bent the bars on its
cage and attacked him. Mangled up his genitals pretty bad too.
Reader Questions
Hannah Montana asks:
Q. Do you think a monnkey cound
be on my show Hannh Montana you can have him adishen for my show at my
studeo you cound make is so jackson take the monney home with him and
do stuff with him if you like all give you my studeo address.
A.
Thanks
a lot for writing in little girl! Well I use the term “writing”deel
loosely. Maybe you need to spend less time reading stupid articles
about monkeys and
more time studying. But I think I was able to understand your
question. You are Hannah Montana and you want monkeys to come on your
TV show.
Maybe you can’t read either though because this
article is about Monkey Butlers, not Monkey Children’s Television Show Guest Stars. So the answer is no, the monkeys do not appear on television shows because of all the loud noises and because they are
butlers.
That should conclude Monkey Butlers Q&A. If
anybody has any more questions for me about monkey butlers they can
contact this website by clicking that contact thing at the bottom of
the page. But it’s probaby better not to bother.