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The Baron’s Film Korner: Hulks

By Martin “The Baron” Hubley
Greetings
viewers, it’s your old pal The Baron here again with another great
article! I apologize for not writing sooner, but my social life tends
to get in the way. I’ve had to attend to the needs of my large and
lovely girlfriend Tina lately, as she’s been down in the dumps ever
since our dog Frenchie became pinned under the sink (don’t ask).  

Dead
pugs aside; my life has been pretty sweet and sassy lately, partially
due to the large number of superhero movies which have recently graced
our theaters. So this  will cover the two Hulk films
(the new one, and the old classic). I plan on making this a series so
consider yourselves lucky.


By Martin “The Baron” Hubley
Greetings
viewers, it’s your old pal The Baron here again with another great
article! I apologize for not writing sooner, but my social life tends
to get in the way. I’ve had to attend to the needs of my large and
lovely girlfriend Tina lately, as she’s been down in the dumps ever
since our dog Frenchie became pinned under the sink (don’t ask).  

Dead
pugs aside; my life has been pretty sweet and sassy lately, partially
due to the large number of superhero movies which have recently graced
our theaters. So this  will cover the two Hulk films
(the new one, and the old classic). I plan on making this a series so
consider yourselves lucky.

Incredibly Hulk (2008)

NortonWhen
I heard about this new version of the Hulk, I had my doubts. Edward
Norton as the hulk? It didn’t seem right to me. Could the man who
starred in An American History and Save the Last Dance really pull off the tremendous anger (and subtle hope) of Hulk? I didn’t think so.

Boy,
was I wrong. So wrong in fact that my face was beet red after sitting
down to watch this masterpiece. I don’t think I’ve been as excited
during a movie since Underworlds 2.
The way the director of this film (whoever he is) gets us to know the
Hulk is positively breathtaking. The way he moves the camera and plays
all those sounds at the correct moments really makes you think about
how you can’t make a movie yourself.

Believe me, I’ve tried. At one point I attempted to adapt one of my short stories (Valor of Dragoons)
to the small screen with a few of my close friends and LARPers as
actors. Needless to say, it did not go as well as I had hoped (although
I do think it was fairly decent).

HulkyThe film begins with Mr.
Norton living in a shanty town in Mexico, and working at a Balls Guano
(a disgustingly named energy drink) factory. He has kept a rain on his
anger, and is living a quiet life of solitude. But eventually all heck
breaks loose, and he cuts his hand on a conveyor belt, sending his
precious juices into a bottle of Balls, which is then shipped off to
America, where an old man (played stunningly by daring comic book
artist Stan Lee) drinks the blood-tainted bottle.

This causes
him to turn into a huge grey version of the hulk, and Edward is forced
to return to the US to do battle with this menace. Along the way he
takes a few college courses and reignites an old flame with the
beautiful elf princess from Lord Of the rings and has a duel of wits with her dad, the army colonel from the M Knight Smalalan film Village.

Overall this movie was action-packed, (but I could have done with more action at the beginning).

9/10 stars (Successful!)

The Hulk (2003)

HulkerI figured I would also give you all a special BONUS
review of the very first hulk film too. Unfortunately I am not old enough to
have enjoyed the old Hulk series starring Billy Bixley, or I would have
reviewed that as well. I hear it was great though, and I look forward
to buying the DVD box set at some point.

But back to The Hulk.
When this film was released, I remember trekking three blocks to the
theater in my hulk costume. This was created by painting my face and
half of one arm with green eyeshadow before running out, and then
donning one of my father’s brown pant suits (the arms of which I had
carefully removed with a pair of my mother’s pinking shears).

I
arrived at the mall theater four hours early and took the spot I had
earned at the front of the line. While I waited, I had to deal with my
fair share of ridicule (being called a “retard zombie”, having mud
thrown at me, having my pants pulled down) from various “comedians” who
happened to pass by. But I was on top of the world; it seemed nothing
could get me down. That is, until the movie began.

Hulka HulkaThis Hulk
film was apparently the directorial debut of Jet Li. From what I
saw, I think from now on Mr. Lee should stick to performing his
trademark form of martial arts in great movies such as the one where he
wears a dog collar and the one he did with rapper Superman DMC. This
hulk movie was awful. It was shameful. People don’t want to see the
hulk portrayed as a wuss by some handsome European. We want to see him
smash old trees, run a muck in the city, and kick apart baby carriages.

I
am not a fan of talking during films, but I remember being unable to
control myself shouting “oh my god!” during a number of particularly
scandalous “romance” scenes between the hunk and the love interest
(some tart who’s name I cannot remember). What I do remember though, is walking out twenty minutes in. This movie was reproachless.

1/10 stars (Failure!)

Give thanks to all for reading these reviews. If you’ve got any comments, Send Me An Email.
And remember to check both these films out if you haven’t seen them
yet! Keep your dial turned to this site for more of my reviews. Next, I
am reviewing Batman Begins and Batman Begins 2 (which I feel should have been titled Batman Begins Again, but more on that later).

Bone Voyage!

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