Wedding Tips For Grooms

In honor of National Weddings Week (not actually a thing) I decided to do some research on the rules and regulations for the game of marriage to share with my reader(s). After several seconds of careful searching, I came across an article called 20 Top Tips for Grooms Who Want To Get it Right. Here’s the link [EDIT: This link is dead and I don’t care enough to find it again so you’ll have to trust me that it did, in fact exist].

Even though I am neither a groom nor a person who wishes to get it right, I’m pretty sure you’ll fall in love with these Top Tips!


Don’t rush into anything. Take time to read lots of magazines for inspiration. If you’re still not getting anywhere, consult a professional style councillor and ignore this guide!

This is a great first tip, so let’s break it down: Setting aside the portion of tip in which the author advises you to ignore them advice he first thing that strikes me is that they’ve suggested you consult a style “councillor” as opposed to a “counselor”. Since a councillor is simply a member of a council, this tip is advising you to: Locate a council whose duties include the issuance of nonspecific “style tips” to ambivalent grooms, approach them and say “I’m not getting anywhere and I need inspiration!”

Note: I realize “councillor” might be some kind of British spelling or something, but fortunately I do not care.

Additionally, it doesn’t specify what sorts of magazines one should be reading. Presumably they mean some kind of men’s style magazine, but we can’t be certain. They could mean any magazine. So some guys might even be picking up a couple issues of Horse Fancy in response to this tip’s advice. That’s just bad tip writing. Be more clear with your tips!

My final observation would be that this is quite possibly the worst tip anyone has ever given ever. Imagine if you approached a trusted friend for advice and their response was, “Take your time, read lots of magazines, and if that doesn’t help, ignore me and find a member of nonexistent absurdly-specific advisory board and ask them for help”. You probably wouldn’t ask them for advice ever again.

I, on the other hand, will ignore this impulse and continue through these tips in the hopes of discovering some hidden gems of wisdom.


With the information gleaned from your research, set a realistic budget for your wedding outfit taking everthing into account and stick to it, rigidly.

“The information gleaned from my research”? Like I just said: Reading YOUR article IS my research! That’s the entire point of guides: They are meant to be a distillation of someone else’s research and knowledge on a subject.

So far, this guide is the equivalent of a “How To Bake A Cake” article that says: “Step 1: Take a class on how to bake cakes. Step 2: Using the information you learned in the cake class, create a plan about how you’re going to bake a cake and then follow it. Also, remember not to forget anything.”

Very helpful.


Start your shopping process well in advance of the wedding (preferably several months), particularly if you’re having something such as a waistcoat, frockcoat or Star Trek suit made, as your tailor will require lots of warning. The same applies if you are hiring an outfit – you might need to make alterations which take time.

A waistcoat or frockcoat? Are we to attend Vienna’s Imperial Court Ball? But whatever are we to do about a Footman? Harburton remains abed with the consumption, and that goiter on Devlington’s neck has grown to ghastly proportions! We must send word to Father immediately. Surely he can loan us one of his Coachmen to stand-in until we’ve procured a new man!


Don’t buy anything tight fitting. it may give you bulges in all the right places but it is guaranteed to become devilishly uncomfortable after all that nuptial nosh and those bottles of bubbly!

Tee hee! What a delightfully saucy and alliterative tip this is! But I think what the guide’s author may be missing is that there is no “right” place for an outfit to bulge.

A bulge by its very nature is unwanted and unsightly. It connotes swollen lumps and distending protuberances. In fact, I would even go so far as to propose that he correct amount of bulging in any outfit is ZERO bulging. In conclusion: No bulges.


Morning Suit wearers should remember that traditionally, their coat should be black in the morning and grey in the afternoon.

You want me to buy two colors of coats and then change at noon? Yeah, sure, I’ll get right on it, you two coat wearing son of a bitch! Two coats…Jesus Christ. What a piece of shit.


Always leave the bottom button of your waistcoat undone – but don’t ask why!

Ah, one of the hallmarks of a trustworthy guide: The giving of arbitrary advice from an anonymous source followed by a request that the reader not ask any follow-up questions. Very enlightening.


If you’re wearing a kilt, don’t be a true Scotsman. No undies in the presence of ladies and officers is very bad form.

Uh, yeah, thanks, wasn’t planning on it.


Your buttonhole should be made of the same flowers as your bride’s bouquet.

You know what? I’m going to make sure my buttonhole is made from a different type of flower just to spite you!


Never have a waistcoat matching your tie and handkerchief. Instead, choose a color from the waistcoat and select your tie accordingly.

This advice is bordering on obsessive-compulsive. 100% of the people at your wedding are not going to give a shit about this stuff, and if they do, I would recommend disinviting them from the wedding and never speaking to them again, because they are an asshole.

TIP 10

On the morning of the ceremony, don’t go to the pub to get some dutch coarage, go have a professional shave and manicure instead. That way you’ll be just as relaxed as if you’d downed a couple of pints, you don’t risk blood on your collar and your hands will look simply lovely when you exchange rings.

Where to start with this final tip? First of all, if you are even considering going to the bar on the morning of your own wedding, I would suggest skipping the ceremony altogether. Instead, head right over to the bride’s house, slap her around a little, bellow while punching a hole in a wall, and pass out in a chair, because you are a drunk.

Similarly, if you go to the bar the morning before your own wedding and somehow manage to get blood on your collar, don’t worry about a thing. It is most likely that you’re an Irish-American stereotype attending a wake in a television cop drama and that you don’t actually exist.

Well, it looks like that’s the end of that disaster. I hope this guide helped you out. Happy marryin’.