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Junk Food Mascots: A Dissertation

I guess some corporations think it’s good business to use “food
mascots” to sell their products to children. Is this type of
marketing really effective? I’m not sure, but what I do know is
that I find most food mascots to be distressing.

For example: Why exactly did a
room full of advertising executives decide androgynous Cuckoo bird
who screams at children would be the most effective way to sell Coco Puffs? God knows. Frankly it worries me that most (if not all) of the characters these companies create are mentally
disturbed in some way. Here are some other advertising creatures who
should probably be institutionalized.

I guess some corporations think it’s good business to use “food
mascots” to sell their products to children. Is this type of
marketing really effective? I’m not sure, but what I do know is
that I find most food mascots to be distressing.

For example: Why exactly did a
room full of advertising executives decide androgynous Cuckoo bird
who screams at children would be the most effective way to sell Coco Puffs? God knows. Frankly it worries me that most (if not all) of the characters these companies create are mentally
disturbed in some way. Here are some other advertising creatures who
should probably be institutionalized.

Trix Rabbit

Trix

I’m sure everyone is familiar with
the Trix commercials. A rabbit wants
some trix, and a bunch of inexplicably bratty kids refuse to give him
any. I don’t see the problem here. All the man wants
is to some of your Trix, is that really such a horrible imposition?
Let’s get a little more in-depth, and discuss this case point-by-point.

First of all, you know they didn’t pay for that cereal themselves.
Their
parents bought it. I think on those grounds alone they forfeit their
rights to those Trix. Unless, of course, their parents gave them specific instructions not to share with anthropomorphic cartoon rabbits, but how likely is that?

Are they refusing him service simply because
he’s a rabbit?

Sounds like discrimination to me. I say call the ACLU on the little
bastards. Unless of course they’re more worried about feeding an animal
“people food” . They should realize though that the pellets
rabbits eat probably have most of the same ingredients as Trix. They
won’t hurt him.

And it’s bad enough that you won’t give him any, but is it
completely necessary
to taunt him as well?
“Silly rabbit, Trix are for
kids!” Where the hell did you kids hear that anyway? I like Trix and I would
“technically” be considered an adult, and as I said before, most Trix is purchased by adults. So there goes that claim.

I’ve also heard it asked, “Well why doesn’t the
rabbit go out and buy his own cereal if he wants it so much?”
This is patently absurd. He doesn’t have any money, and what store is
going to sell cereal to a talking rabbit? That’s right, none are. So get off your damn high horse.

Lucky The Leprechaun

Lucky

Here’s a real piece of garbage. Lucky (isn’t that
funny) the
Leprechaun is the little a**hole who appears on the front
of the Lucky Charms cereal box.

I really hate this sick little freak. You know how he gets his kicks; his jollies? By taunting small children. Yeah, he promises them a “Magically Delicious”
bowl of lucky charms, and then, when they get all excited and run of to grab some, he scurries away with them at the last
second cackling, “Catch me lucky charms!”

Catch your lucky charms
huh? I’ll tell you one thing pal: Keep this crap up and you’re liable to catch a bullet. Kids these
days don’t like to be jerked around, especially by some dwarf who
just came stumbling down out of the damn moors with a box of magic cereal.

Also, the phrase
“Magically Delicious” is sort of a back-handed compliment if you think
about it. He’s kind of saying the cereal is delicious
against all realistic expectations. I say the only thing
“magical” about Lucky Charms is that children don’t slip into a
diabetic coma when they take a bite of this crap, since it’s comprised
solely of genetically
modified junk sugar.

The Noid

Noid

This nutcase was the spokesman
for Dominos pizza during the 90s. As you might have gathered from his picture, The Noid was some
buck-toothed amphetamine hound who’s preferred method of locomotion was the pogo stick. Yeah…uh, OK.

He also had bunny
ears, which I never understood. Is he supposed to be
some kind of man-rabbit hybrid? This would explain his
teeth, but then why does he need a pogo stick? Wouldn’t his rabbit
genes predispose him to be at least somewhat skilled at jumping? But anyway, I don’t think he even had a
rabbit’s tail, so I don’t think he was a rabbit. Probably he was just dressed like one when he broke out of the asylum.

The only other thing I remember about The Noid is
the time I went over to play Yo Noid!
on Nintendo at this troubled
kid’s house. We were playing the game and all of a sudden his mom
barged into the room and started screeching and slapping him across the
face again and again. Then
she said “I’m sorry you had to see that” and left. After he finished
crying we went out
into the living room where his demented old granny sat laughing in a
rocking chair. Then this kid’s little sister came out of her room and
asked
what
happened, so he pushed her down a flight of stairs. Then he asked,
“Want to play some more Yo Noid?” I was too busy running down the street to answer.

Mr. Peanut

PeanutI’m
pretty sure Mr. Peanut is the mascot for Planters nuts. I didn’t bother
to
research his back story, but I can only assume that he is the result of
some terrifying genetic experiment in which some twisted scientist
somehow managed (accidentally or deliberately) to create a
sentient legume with facial features and limbs.

That’s all
fair enough, but what puzzles me most is why he has the need for a
cane. I have to say: I’ve seen Mr. Peanut walking around in
commercials and he doesn’t even have so much as a limp. As far as I can
tell, he doesn’t even use the cane at all. I think there’s
only one conclusion we can draw from this: Mr. Peanut is a big fat
phony.

This theory is further reinforced by his monocle. It’s not that I
don’t believe that an animate peanut could have astigmatism in only
one eye; it’s a problem of logistics. See, when a person wears a
monocle they have to sort of crinkle their eye around the edge of it to
make it stay in. How could a peanut do this when instead of skin it has
a leathery shell? Also what is the string on that monocle attached to?
In case you haven’t noticed, he isn’t really wearing any clothes.
Frankly, I’m starting to suspect that Mr. Peanut character might not be
real after all.

Chester Cheetah

Chester

Chester here sluts himself out for Cheetos Vaguely Corn-Based
Snack-Shaped Artificially
Cheese-Flavored Food-Like Substance snacks (AKA Cheetos). I’d like to
start out by saying that I feel that this character was not
very well thought out.

I suspect a cheetah was chosen simply because their
fur is orange and because the name kind of sounds like it might rhyme with
the
word Cheeto. And why name him Chester, of all things? I realize that it starts with
the same letter
as Cheetah, but that (yet again) is certainly no basis for choosing a
name. Chester is the name of an old man who might have worked as a
night watchman at a bean plantation during the great depression, not a
badass extreme sports fanatic.

Unless
Chester Cheetah is supposed to be a hundred and ten years old, I would
suggest changing his name to any one of the following things:

  • Charlie Cheetah
  • Che Cheetah
  • Chance Cheetah
  • Chaz Cheetah (My personal favorite)
I have a big problem with Chester’s attitude too. I have to say, comes
off as a bit of an ass. There’s a thin line between “smug bastard” and
“cool”, and Chester Cheetah not only crosses that line, he deliberately
erases it,  probably just to spite any poor bastard who might need
to use it later.

All
you ever see him doing in the ads these days is lying around with his
legs crossed in some kind of vaguely seductive pose. That’s
it! He might pop a Cheeto into his mouth every now and again, but he
usually never even talks. He’s obviously just phoning in his
performance so he can collect his big fat royalty check, and I
can’t abide such sloth from a cheetah, of all animals. You’re a disgrace to your race, Chester.

And so ends this overly-detailed (and far too lengthy) discussion of
food mascots.
If you’ve gotten this far without closing the page I both respect and
pity you. I do feel you should be rewarded for persistence though, so
here’s your secret code: FASPEQ-16664.