GUIDES/HOW TO

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...California

California
When people think of California, they often think of brownouts, laughably overpriced homes, women in thongs accumulating malignant melanomas on beaches, and endless lakes of fire choked with the tormented souls of the damned, whose shrieks of agony will haunt your dreams for all eternity.
 
Come to think of it, that last one might not be entirely accurate, as I haven't been to California since I was a kid. But I'm reasonably sure I remember staying at a Holiday Inn Select in the 6th Circle (kitty corner from the barbed-wire gallows) where the screams of the unbaptized babies they were flaying the skin off of kept me up until like 2AM one night. Talk about annoying.

But hey, let's go ahead and see what California has to offer tourists, shall we?

7 Ridiculous Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem

7 Ridiculous Ways To Boost Your Self-Esteem
Like many people, I was, at one time, afflicted with crippling self-esteem issues. In the end, it was only through hard work, perseverance, intellectual dishonesty, and the gleeful exploitation of those less fortunate was I finally able to achieve something resembling inner-peace.
 
So seeing as I have some experience in the field, I figured I'd share with you seven amazing self-improvement tips which will almost certainly help you feel better about who you are.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Wisconsin

Tourists Guide To Wisconsin
There's something about crossing the border from Minnesota into Wisconsin which has always unsettled me. The feeling would probably best characterized as crushing despair tinged with an oppressive pastoral loneliness. It isn't necessarily that the scenery itself is different, it's more of a vague feeling...as if the sadness of its residents has somehow seeped into the soil and air, poisoning it, like fallout from a nuclear blast. Or perhaps more appropriately, like the solvent vapors from innumerable batches of high-grade bathtub methamphetamine.
 
So it should be obvious that I'm not particularly keen on the idea of visiting Wisconsin for fun and diversion, which makes me just the person to write an overtly antagonistic and highly inaccurate guide of it for nonexistent tourists.

How To Subdue a Nerd Who Has Flown Into a Violent, Videogame-Induced Rage

How To Subdue a Nerd Who Has Flown Into A Violent Videogame Based Rage
It is still not uncommon for the general public to assume that all videogamers are socially inept losers prone to uncontrollable outbursts of intense and inexplicable violence. This is incorrect. In reality, only 65-72% of males who play videogames on a regular basis fit this description, so obviously it's slightly unfair to generalize.

Also, this really only applies to these men while they're playing games. The rest of the time, they're normally quite calm (if not downright docile). But place any one of these gamers in a situation where they believe themselves to have been "wronged" or "cheated" during a game, and a whirlwind of grisly violence is sure to ensue. Very rarely will this tantrum seemed to have "come out of nowhere". More often than not there is an easily perceived buildup of hostility which takes place before The Ragestate occurs.

This article should serve to educate the rest of you in the recognition (and subsequent containment) of any videogamer who flies into this ragestate.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...New York

The Tourist's Guide To New York
Little known fact: There's actually an entire state attached to New York City. This state is commonly most called New York, and it draws literally dozens of tourists each year into it's distinctly unremarkable borders. Granted, many of these people are simply on their way to Pennsylvania to commit suicide (Harrisburg is the exsanguination capital of the world), but this matters little, as even somber pilgrims hell-bent on their own destruction have a hard time resisting upstate New York's many curio shoppes, taffy fountains, and collectible coin emporiums.
 
So the next time you inexplicably get it into your fool head to pay a visit to the overrated, obnoxious, self-important, overpriced, stench-ridden cesspool known as NYC, you might consider bypassing the Big Apple altogether in favor of it's slightly less nauseating upstate cousin, as there's plenty to see and do there.
 
In service of this, the following article features an overview of some of the more popular New Yorkian attractions. I invite you to examine it at your leisure.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Georgia

Tourists Guide to Georgia - Jesus Gas
The American South has changed a great deal in recent years. What was once described by Harry S. Truman as "a festering pocket of indescribable filth and stroke-inducing poverty" is now home to a number of modern amenities, including schools, utility poles, and yes, even paved roads. But don't be fooled into thinking that the south has lost it's charm and spunk, as this is most certainly not the case. Those who crave dixie-flavored excitement and adventure need look no further than the great state of Georgia. With its year-round county fairs, dump truck rallies, and whites-only church picnics, Georgia has become a beacon of hope to tourists hoping to score some down-home goodness at a reasonable price.
 
So read on to learn about some of the wonderful destinations and activities the great state of Georgia has to offer. And if, by the end of this article you're still convinced that Georgia is "just another rivulet of the crusty semen stain on the pant leg of America known as The South", I'll eat my hat. And that's a true confederate promise.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Alaska

Tourists Guide to Alaska - Eagles Dumpster
From large groups of trees, to snow-capped mountains, to the ground under those mountains and trees, it's fairly safe to say that Alaska has got it all. It's a land of wonder, excitement, and adventure, where anything can, and will happen! Well...I'm being a bit generous. It's probably more like a land of quiet bemusement, snowstorms, and mild anticipation. Hmm. Still seems kind of dishonest. OK: At the very least, Alaska is a land which, I would assume, is not entirely without it's charms. There. That sounds about right.

I would, however, like to apologize in advance for the lack of actual tourism-based content in this article. I sincerely did try to find some interesting and original things that people could do visiting Alaska, but I mostly came up emptyhanded. the way I see it, this could be taken to mean one of two things: 1. There actually is nothing interesting going on in Alaska, or 2. I am just sort of lazy.

I'm thinking it's probably a little of both.

The Cynical [Chinese] Tourist's Guide to...North Carolina

Tourist's Guide to North Carolina
In the hopes of capturing the lucrative Chinese person market, I have written this article in Chinese. Any English speakers who wish to read about the wonderful tourist attractions North Carolina has to offer (of which there are many!) can either translate this article to English using the translation software of their choice or view the ENGLISH VERSION HERE, as the Chinese version may not display properly in their browser.

我希望你喜歡的許多文章中,我寫了!

The Cynical Tourist's Guide to...North Carolina [English]

Tourist's Guide to North Carolina

WHAT A BLAZES? NORTH CAROLINA!

If you are from United States you think there is nothing but strange and sorrowful things in North Carolina. Well, I must tell you! Not true. It is where all the best happens. The province includes a number of activities. Such as the old China saying goes: Those who taught me to fish now become a lover of fish. I plan to do the same on this web page. I will do you like a fish.
 
So, pick up your gourd and your animals, and we will see events in the North Carolina of the U.S. cities!

The Casually Dismissive Guide to Funerals

Casually Dismissive Guide to Funerals - Coffin Sidecar
It's been a long time since I wrote my original Guide To Funerals. It's one of the first articles I ever wrote, and the childishness of my worldview at that time certainly shows. Fortunately, dear reader, a lot has changed since then. I've grown up. I've matured. I've gotten married, bought a beautiful four bedroom, one-and-a-half bath ranch home, and my wife and I have had 3 beautiful little boys (Zack, Moses, and Topper) all of whom are now the collective loves of my life.
 
Also, I've apparently begun lying for no reason, because none of that shit is even remotely true. I live by myself, eat pop tarts as meals, and spend most of my free time writing shitty stories about sasquatches. So yeah, life is pretty good.
 
But I hope you'll excuse me, because I have to get on with disrespecting the recently dead and the behavior of those who grieve for them.
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