To My Family & Friend(s):
It has recently come to my attention that many of you view me as a selfish, emotionally distant, and frequently condescending jerk with little or no respect for the beliefs, traditions, or feelings of others. While I can definitely see how people may have arrived at these conclusions, I can assure you that some of them are almost certainly untrue. Untrue, and extremely hurtful. And although the lifetime of social and psychological torment I've suffered at the hands of my peers has blunted my emotions so thoroughly that slanderous accusations like these no longer trouble me, I still do not appreciate being made to hear them.
In any event, I'm not here to insult you by using this space to "tell you how sorry I am for the many cruel and hurtful things I've allegedly done to many of you out of disdain or apathy" or even to admit how I'm constantly "using feigned nonchalance and dry humor to keep everyone I know at arm's length so I don't have to deal with the painful feelings which inevitably arise in healthy 'two-way' relationships". No, I won't waste your time by apologizing for any of those things right now.
I'm here for one reason, and one reason only: To let you all know that I forgive you. Each and every one of you. And to prove it, I'm giving you all a gift: The gift of the good feelings which arise from doing something nice for another human being: Me.
It may surprise you to learn that most of the anonymous "electronic mails" I receive through this site's Contact Form are not hateful in nature. I think there are probably two reasons for this. The first is that hardly anyone actually reads what I have written. This is entirely understandable. The second is that those who dislike what I do would rather die than expend even one more metric unit of energy thinking about (or composing hatemail regarding) Whichever Garbage Article they were unfortunate enough to have just wasted several minutes of their precious life skimming. This, too, is entirely understandable.
But I will say that what my inbox lacks in hate-based mail, it more than makes up for in Inexplicable & Vaguely Troubling mail. I sure do get a lot of that. Well, maybe slightly more than "a lot": Approximately 96% of the email I receive is inexplicable & vaguely troubling. And while it's possible that this is simply another, significantly less effectual form of hatemail (i.e. "I'm gonna teach this jackass a lesson by sending him an insane email!), I really don't think this is the case. Far more likely is these people are either elderly and confused, blasted out of their minds on designer narcotics, simply psychotic, or possibly even all three.
Either way, get a real kick out of responding to Inexplicable & Vaguely Troubling emails, so I guess everybody wins. Well, everyone except the people who decide to read this. But if they do that, they've really got no one but themselves to blame.
Some people never learn.
Alright, look, I know letters from me are a dime a dozen, but I hope you’ll hear me out, because I have an axe to grind with you, and I'm afraid I can't just let sleeping dogs lie. I know what you're thinking: When it comes to dealing with me, if it's not one thing, it's another. But make no bones about it, there's a method to my madness, and once the cat is out of the bag, you'll be thanking your lucky stars that I got down to brass tacks instead of fudging and mudging like a lost dog in high weeds.
Rome wasn't built in a day. I think you'll agree that if we're going to make this partnership successful, we're gonna have to ensure that we're both on the same page. Passing the buck is simply not an option at this point in time, so I strongly suggest we take that option off the table. Because if we don't, we'll be back to square one in a New York minute. And you can take that to the bank.
I have a lot in common with old people. I don't get out much. I am distrustful and jealous of teenagers. I take a lot of pills. I view the outside world with a mixture of fear and contempt, and most of my free time is spent sitting alone, in the dark, in my empty house in front of a flickering screen trying to hold back the tears while praying that the phone will ring or, failing that, that The Good Lord will strikes me down in my chair in order that I might be spared the confusion, despair, and humiliation which tomorrow is sure to bring.
As such, I feel I have a unique understanding of the skillset an old person must cultivate to survive in this fast-paced modern world of ours. So that's why I've decided to create a series of "How-To" pamphlets for Seasoned Citizens.
It's Funny You Should Ask What The Most Popular News Stories Were On The 10th Anniversary Of 9/11. It Just So Happens That I Have That Information.
But don't worry, this isn't political commentary or a somber, teary-eyed tribute to the victims of 9/11. Lucky for you, I have very little respect for arbitrary days of remembrance. It seems awfully silly to be "extra sad" on a particular iteration of a holiday simply because happens to be divisible by a nice round number. Also, it bugs me how successful most news outlets are at using milestones like these to squeeze a bunch of extra advertising dollars out of the public. I guess the point I'm trying to make is: People be gullible, yo.
Anyway, to summarize: I took some screenshots from a bunch of news sites on 9/11/2011 and if you suspect you might be interested in what other people were ostensibly interested in on this particular date, you might want to take a quick look.
You will find them listed below, in no particular order. Godspeed. (And just to clarify: These are not fake, nor have I edited them in any way)
It is truly outrageous to me that you would call yourselves muffin tops. You are "Reasonably thick blueberry pancakes", and nothing more.
If there's one thing I won't abide, it's prepackaged novelty breakfast foods misrepresenting themselves.
Now get out.
"How was this possible?" I said to myself, "Surely someone out must have taken the time to compile a true list of swear words for every letter of the alphabet." But alas, this was not the case. I quickly realized that if I wanted such a list to exist, I would have to create it for myself.
So I did, and here it is.
In these troubled modern times, the life of a child is filled with innumerable dangers. Just take a look at these astonishing figures: Each day in America, 640 children are abducted by people who are believed to be minorities. In addition, a full four thousand are molested by men thought to possess pencil-thin mustaches, while 16 are mischievously tipped out of their wheelchairs by disgruntled female social workers.
These numbers serve as a constant reminder of the inherent evil of humanity. But luckily, Snapple brand flavored drink beverages are here to help. With the help of Families Against Violence and the American Lung Association, Snapple has utilized their patented "Snapple Facts" content delivery service to teach children about safety.
In the interest of public safety, I've reprinted 14 of the most useful facts from this campaign here for you to enjoy.
One of my favorite things in the world is reading customer complaints on the internet that appear to have been posted by people who cannot read or write. So here are 10 of the best recent complaints I could find on complaintsboard, an unmoderated, racially-charged, libel choked clusterfuck masquerading "consumer advocacy" website.
Fair warning: As most of these complaints were posted by idiots, many of them contain sexual content, hilarious racism, or multiple instances of misspelled foul language.
Heed not the warnings of early 90s R&B groups. Waterfalls were placed on this earth by Our Lord God for one reason and one reason only: So that they may be chased.
I realize that many of you may have a strong inclination towards "sticking to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to" but what you likely fail to realize is that puttering around in large, stationary pools of liquid, or immersing yourself in freshwater as it runs towards an ocean can in no way match the physical and emotional fulfillment one can achieve from chasing a waterfall. Not even close.
So if you'd allow me, I'd like to go ahead and refute some of the most common arguments against the pursuance of water which happens to be flowing down a steep grade due to the effects of gravity along with a rapid drop in elevation.