Junk Food Mascots: A Dissertation

Mascot
I guess some corporations think it's good business to use “food mascots” to sell their products to children. Is this type of marketing really effective? I’m not sure, but what I do know is that I find most food mascots to be distressing.

For example: Why exactly did a room full of advertising executives decide androgynous Cuckoo bird who screams at children would be the most effective way to sell Coco Puffs? God knows. Frankly it worries me that most (if not all) of the characters these companies create are mentally disturbed in some way. Here are some other advertising creatures who should probably be institutionalized.


Trix Rabbit

Trix
I'm sure everyone is familiar with the Trix commercials. A rabbit wants some trix, and a bunch of inexplicably bratty kids refuse to give him any. I don't see the problem here. All the man wants is to some of your Trix, is that really such a horrible imposition? Let's get a little more in-depth, and discuss this case point-by-point.

First of all, you know they didn’t pay for that cereal themselves. Their parents bought it. I think on those grounds alone they forfeit their rights to those Trix. Unless, of course, their parents gave them specific instructions not to share with anthropomorphic cartoon rabbits, but how likely is that?

Are they refusing him service simply because he’s a rabbit? Sounds like discrimination to me. I say call the ACLU on the little bastards. Unless of course they're more worried about feeding an animal "people food" . They should realize though that the pellets rabbits eat probably have most of the same ingredients as Trix. They won’t hurt him.

And it's bad enough that you won’t give him any, but is it completely necessary to taunt him as well? “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!” Where the hell did you kids hear that anyway? I like Trix and I would "technically" be considered an adult, and as I said before, most Trix is purchased by adults. So there goes that claim.
I’ve also heard it asked, “Well why doesn’t the rabbit go out and buy his own cereal if he wants it so much?” This is patently absurd. He doesn’t have any money, and what store is going to sell cereal to a talking rabbit? That’s right, none are. So get off your damn high horse.


Lucky The Leprechaun


Lucky
Here’s a real piece of garbage. Lucky (isn’t that funny) the Leprechaun is the little a**hole who appears on the front of the Lucky Charms cereal box.

I really hate this sick little freak. You know how he gets his kicks; his jollies? By taunting small children. Yeah, he promises them a “Magically Delicious” bowl of lucky charms, and then, when they get all excited and run of to grab some, he scurries away with them at the last second cackling, “Catch me lucky charms!”

Catch your lucky charms huh? I'll tell you one thing pal: Keep this crap up and you’re liable to catch a bullet. Kids these days don’t like to be jerked around, especially by some dwarf who just came stumbling down out of the damn moors with a box of magic cereal.

Also, the phrase “Magically Delicious” is sort of a back-handed compliment if you think about it. He's kind of saying the cereal is delicious against all realistic expectations. I say the only thing “magical” about Lucky Charms is that children don’t slip into a diabetic coma when they take a bite of this crap, since it’s comprised solely of genetically modified junk sugar.


The Noid

Noid

This nutcase was the spokesman for Dominos pizza during the 90s. As you might have gathered from his picture, The Noid was some buck-toothed amphetamine hound who's preferred method of locomotion was the pogo stick. Yeah...uh, OK.

He also had bunny ears, which I never understood. Is he supposed to be some kind of man-rabbit hybrid? This would explain his teeth, but then why does he need a pogo stick? Wouldn’t his rabbit genes predispose him to be at least somewhat skilled at jumping? But anyway, I don’t think he even had a rabbit’s tail, so I don't think he was a rabbit. Probably he was just dressed like one when he broke out of the asylum.

The only other thing I remember about The Noid is the time I went over to play Yo Noid! on Nintendo at this troubled kid’s house. We were playing the game and all of a sudden his mom barged into the room and started screeching and slapping him across the face again and again. Then she said "I'm sorry you had to see that" and left. After he finished crying we went out into the living room where his demented old granny sat laughing in a rocking chair. Then this kid's little sister came out of her room and asked what happened, so he pushed her down a flight of stairs. Then he asked, “Want to play some more Yo Noid?” I was too busy running down the street to answer.


Mr. Peanut

PeanutI'm pretty sure Mr. Peanut is the mascot for Planters nuts. I didn’t bother to research his back story, but I can only assume that he is the result of some terrifying genetic experiment in which some twisted scientist somehow managed (accidentally or deliberately) to create a sentient legume with facial features and limbs.

That's all fair enough, but what puzzles me most is why he has the need for a cane. I have to say: I've seen Mr. Peanut walking around in commercials and he doesn’t even have so much as a limp. As far as I can tell, he doesn’t even use the cane at all. I think there’s only one conclusion we can draw from this: Mr. Peanut is a big fat phony.

This theory is further reinforced by his monocle. It’s not that I don’t believe that an animate peanut could have astigmatism in only one eye; it’s a problem of logistics. See, when a person wears a monocle they have to sort of crinkle their eye around the edge of it to make it stay in. How could a peanut do this when instead of skin it has a leathery shell? Also what is the string on that monocle attached to? In case you haven't noticed, he isn't really wearing any clothes. Frankly, I'm starting to suspect that Mr. Peanut character might not be real after all.


Chester Cheetah

Chester

Chester here sluts himself out for Cheetos Vaguely Corn-Based Snack-Shaped Artificially Cheese-Flavored Food-Like Substance snacks (AKA Cheetos). I'd like to start out by saying that I feel that this character was not very well thought out.

I suspect a cheetah was chosen simply because their fur is orange and because the name kind of sounds like it might rhyme with the word Cheeto. And why name him Chester, of all things? I realize that it starts with the same letter as Cheetah, but that (yet again) is certainly no basis for choosing a name. Chester is the name of an old man who might have worked as a night watchman at a bean plantation during the great depression, not a badass extreme sports fanatic.

Unless Chester Cheetah is supposed to be a hundred and ten years old, I would suggest changing his name to any one of the following things:
  • Charlie Cheetah
  • Che Cheetah
  • Chance Cheetah
  • Chaz Cheetah (My personal favorite)
I have a big problem with Chester’s attitude too. I have to say, comes off as a bit of an ass. There’s a thin line between “smug bastard” and “cool”, and Chester Cheetah not only crosses that line, he deliberately erases it,  probably just to spite any poor bastard who might need to use it later.

All you ever see him doing in the ads these days is lying around with his legs crossed in some kind of vaguely seductive pose. That’s it! He might pop a Cheeto into his mouth every now and again, but he usually never even talks. He’s obviously just phoning in his performance so he can collect his big fat royalty check, and I can’t abide such sloth from a cheetah, of all animals. You’re a disgrace to your race, Chester.


And so ends this overly-detailed (and far too lengthy) discussion of food mascots. If you've gotten this far without closing the page I both respect and pity you. I do feel you should be rewarded for persistence though, so here's your secret code: FASPEQ-16664.