DIsrespectful Review: Fireball Island

Fireball Island Box


When it comes to toys, children have ridiculously low standards. A kid will play with anything. If you don't believe me, pick up any random object (a sheet of paper, a handful of broken glass, a bunch of loose change clumped together because someone spilled syrup or something in the cup holder) and hand it to a two-year-old. Chances are they'll begin playing with it, and good many of them will probably try to eat it too. That's how openminded kids are; when it comes to potential toys, everything gets a fair shake.

Alas, the same cannot be said of adults. As humans age, we develop "tastes" and the ability impose "value judgments" upon "objects" people "hand to us". For example: If you were to offer a full-grown woman a bucket filled with antifreeze and say "Drink this, it's antifreeze", she would almost certainly refuse. Not so with a child. In fact, a recent survey conducted by the Pew Research Center found that a full 100% of children surveyed happily drank antifreeze out of a bucket. So yeah...uh...kids...and..uhh...

Dammit, I blew it. This segue is the worst. There's no way I can make it work now. I guess I'll just have to start the article manually. Hold on a sec, let me find the thing here. Alright, got it. Let's see if this works.


Captain Planet is a Piece of Shit

Captain Planet Is A Shithead

When it comes to indescribably lame environmental superheroes, there few lamer than Captain Planet. Admittedly, this is mostly due to the fact that I can't think of any other environmental superheroes and can't be bothered to do any research, but it's also because he's a scantily-clad man with a green mullet whose only friends are the harem of children who dress like him and all wear matching jewelry which he himself has provided. Nothing strange about that, right?

Some might point-out that writing an article ridiculing Captain Planet is "the author of such an article kind of "dumb" and "obvious", and that "the author of such an article is really just picking low-hanging comedy fruit". But I would respond by ignoring those points and saying that one of the things I appreciate most about Captain Planet is the ease with which he can ridiculed. A person doesn't really even need to actively "make fun" of him, because simply listing various facts about him is enough to send most people into fits of derisive laughter. The character is clumsy earnestness made manifest, and I think that deserves some recognition.

So let's begin, won't us?