By The Sentient Portrait of an Early 19th Century Gentleman
the morning's first light, I vacated my diggings and pointed my velocipede towards the
local theater, my intentions being to view the latest moving picture:
Clash of the Titans. Upon my arrival I was put into a fine pucker upon
discovering that a gape-mouthed boodle of border ruffians had seen fit
to congregate at the entrance. My first inciliation was to
absquatulate then and there, but as it had been a coon's-age since I
had attended a performance of this sort, I soon acquiesced.
I planked down the funds required (far from a pittance, I assure you!)
and made my way into the theater at full chisel, more than a bit wrathy at
the shine-cuttings of the soaplocks who filled the lobby.
It's been a long time since I wrote my original Guide To Funerals. It's one of
the first articles I ever wrote, and the childishness of my worldview
at that time certainly shows. Fortunately, dear reader, a lot has
changed since then. I've grown up. I've matured. I've gotten married,
bought a beautiful four bedroom, one-and-a-half bath ranch home, and my
wife and I have had 3 beautiful little boys (Zack, Moses, and Topper)
all of whom are now the collective loves of my life.
Also, I've apparently begun lying for no reason, because none of that
shit is even remotely true. I live by myself, eat pop tarts as meals,
and spend most of my free time writing shitty stories about
sasquatches. So yeah, life is pretty good.
But I hope you'll excuse me, because I have to get on with
disrespecting the recently dead and the behavior of those who grieve
Believe it or not, sometimes people actually go to Idaho on purpose.
Yeah, I know, it sort of blew my mind at first too,
but it's true. "And what," you might ask, "do these people do
once they've arrived in Idaho?" Hell if I know. According to the board
of tourism's website Idaho is an "Outdoors-Oriented Community". So
maybe they go on walks?
Or, maybe "outdoors community" is really just code for "There
is nothing to do here. Now take some mushrooms and get lost on a hiking
trail which will become oppressively sinister as darkness encroaches
while indistinct voices cackle with laughter amongst the undergrowth
and then you finally get home and can't even get to sleep because THE
FOLDING CHAIR JUST WON'T SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT
HEALTH CARE REFORM AARRGHH" which, appealing as it may sound, is
probably not convincing too many families to take a road trip to Idaho.
But I suppose that is why I'm here: To convince you all that taking a
trip to Idaho is the best choice a hesitant vacationer could make. So
let's take a look at some of the attractions this fine state has to
offer, won't us?
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
never built your own personal computer (or PC as they're known in the
biz) you're missing out on a world of excitement, adventure, and
sensualness unlike anything you have known. And ladies, if you haven't
dated a man who has built his own computer, you're missing out (just
ask my big and beautiful girlfriend Tina)! So you can keep your sex
parties, drinking & driving parties, and make-out parties...we real
men will taking off our shirts together, setting our processors to the
max, and cranking the RAM to 100! Non stop!
So oil up your sockets, wrap your fingers around those meaty pipes, and
let's get hog wild by building our own PCs!
Computers don't always work the way we want them to, so from time to
time I like to spend a few moments answering a few of the many
tech-support questions I receive from readers. Why
they choose me, a complete stranger who
runs a website entirely unrelated to computer support and has
heretofore expressed neither the willingness nor the ability to answer
questions, I do not know. But this does little to change that these people
need help, and I'll be goddamned if I leave them out in
the cold just because of their stubborn refusal to adhere to logic.
So this week I'll be helping readers out with a few of their basic
computer-related questions. You're welcome!
“You can put your clothes back on now,” the doctor said,
scribbling angrily in his notepad.
“Finally,” I said, putting my arm into one of the sleeves. “Hey, what exactly are you writing anyway?”
“It’s private,” the doctor said without looking up, “Private medical
I stood up and pulled the shirt over my head.
“Private…what’s that supposed to mean?” I said, frowning and walking
over to him, “Let me see it.” I reached for the book.
“No!” the doctor pouted, pulling it away. “It’s mine.”
FDA-Approved medicine is for suckers. In case you hadn't
heard...all-natural remedies are the wave of the future! Why go
all-natural? The reasons are so simple that even uneducated people who
don't believe in taking pills can understand them: Health and
Happiness. Studies have shown that those who use herbal remedies are
far healthier and far happier than those who use over-the-counter and
prescription drugs. If you don't believe me, you need only look to the
internet to find thousands upon thousands of poorly written Angelfire
webpages cryptically citing studies of indeterminate origin as proof
that herbal remedies are effective.
So since I'm such a huge proponent of haphazardly ingesting untested
substances to cure illnesses I may or may not have, I've decided to
make up this list of the ten best reasons to switch over to
When I was a kid I would often refer to North Dakota as "The Boring Dakota". Now that I am older (and slightly wiser) I see how wrong I really was. North Dakota couldn't possibly be the boring Dakota because both Dakotas are the boring Dakota. South Dakota is only given a pass because it has a couple of reasonably worthwhile tourist attractions. This stands in stark contrast to the zero worthwhile attractions located in North Dakota. That is, unless you consider the LaMoure Toy Farmer Museum to be a worthwhile attraction. Personally I do not.
Nevertheless: I am now going to attempt to sell you on a vacation to North Dakota. This is the first in a 50-Part series in which I will describe and pointlessly insult the major tourist attractions in each state. If this sounds incredibly stupid to you, don't worry. I'll probably only be able to do three or four states before I get bored and abandon this idea forever.
But for now, let's check out some of the fantastic reasons to visit North Dakota!
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Greetings all, from the lands of Dverz, Anthroes, and Hurans! For those
of you who are wondering what the Sam Hell I'm talking about, it's the
MMORPG Online Game I've been developing known as The Quest For Time. I
know it's been quite some time since I've updated y'alls on the
development, so I figured I'd throw a ripe, juicy bone into all my fans
by sharing some new info on what I've been cooking up in the land of
FAIR WARNING: Spoilders abound, so those of you who are
planning to play the game on release might want to pass up this
article, because I reveal key plot points in both the Elle Swamp
questline and the Anthroe romance story! So consider yeselves warned!
there fellow Christians. My name is Lucas Bell,
and I'm a professional video game reviewer and professional video game
lover. I began writing game reviews in 1988, when I noticed the
godlessness that pervaded most popular videogames at the time. These
games contained dinosaurs, rock and roll, and kissing. Sorry game
developers but the only kissing I'll be doing is with the lord, through
prayer, so count me out!
Since I knew there was no chance of games being created for true
Christians (Christians are now a minority!) I decided to begin
reviewing games from a Christian perspective so that others would
easily avoid those which contain demonics, disrespect of the elderly,
or sex with children (as most games nowaday do!)
Today I'll be taking a look at Bayonetta, a game which is about
as far from God's holy love as one can get without being in hell
itself. Please be warned that this review is not suitable for children.