The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Wyoming

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To Wyoming

While researching this guide, I tried my hardest to find a comprehensive
list of "interesting" tourist attractions in
Wyoming. It should come as no surprise that I was spectacularly
unsuccessful. In fact, even when I lowered my criteria from
"interesting tourist attractions" to "stupid tourist attractions which
seem worthy of insincere derision" I still came up mostly emptyhanded.
 
This should tell you pretty much everything one needs to know about
taking a trip to Wyoming (namely: that one should not do it), but I
suppose if you're a glutton for punishment you can go ahead and read
on. At the very least, I feel I've managed to compile a relatively decent overview of the
least uninteresting tourist destinations located in Wyoming. So that's something, I guess.

Amazon Oddity

Amazon Oddity -The 2007 Report on Wood Poles, Piles, and Posts Not More Than 15 Feet in Length Owned and Treated with Pentachlorophenol or Other Chemicals by the Same Establishment: World Market Segmentation by City

As an officially licenced and bonded FST (Fence, Scaffold, and Tenting)
contractor, I can tell you that without a doubt, a man's success in the
FST industry is almost wholly dependant on his understanding of wood
poles, piles, and posts more than 15 feet in length owned and treated
with pentachlorophenol by the same establishment. That's why I
recommend This
Book
.
 
This alone would be enough to warrant the 800 dollar purchase, but the
included segmentation of the entire wood poles, piles, and
posts market by city (a feature which is not often included in similar
Laughably Specific Global Strategic Planning Digests) makes this book a
great buy for even the most casual of Pentachlorophenol-Treated
Building Material enthusiasts.

But to be honest, there are quite a few issues with this book that I
feel keep it from achieving "Must-Buy" status. Let's have a look at
some of the more glaring problems, shall we?

 

How To Fight Terrorism

How To Fight Terrorists

Consider this: One out of every four people will be a victim of
terrorism their lifetime. And though this statistic may have just been
made up by me, one cannot deny that it is extremely troubling.
 
But never fear: Because I, and I alone, have discovered the secret to
eradicating terrorism. I am fully prepared to give this information
away free of charge, as a service to my country, and in the hopes that
it will rid our world of Terror once and for all.

20 Strange & Ridiculous Phobias

20 Strange & Ridiculous Phobias

It could be said that fear is one of our most useful and sensible
emotions. Not only does it prime our bodies to better react to danger,
but it also stops [most of] us from undertaking foolish,
life-endangering endeavors such as firing antique crossbows at the
police, riding a motorcycle, or crushing our own head in a vice
"because we wanted to see what it felt like".

Yes, when it comes to "staying alive for as long as possible", fear can
be a useful and practical tool. But as with other tools (right angle
reversible drills for instance), fear can also pollute our minds,
twisting what was once a useful and important bodily function into a
crippling (and often hilarious) ailment.

Here is a list of twenty of the most ridiculous and illogical phobias
on earth.

Amazon Oddity: Kurt Adler Diet Coke Can Light Set

Coca-Cola Can Lights

Rejoice, mindless Coca-Cola enthusiasts, for your salvation has
arrived. Because now, thanks to whomever the fuck Kurt Adler is, you
may now purchase (for the low low price of 25 American Freedom Dollars)
a
set of plastic string lights in the shape of soft drink cans
.
These specially designed light sources are 100% guaranteed not clash
with the Coca-Cola commemorative plates, framed Coca-Cola photographs,
and dust-encrusted Coca-Cola Calendars which currently adorn the walls
of your cluttered, cat-piss-smelling hovel.
 
With just a simple credit card transaction, these gaudy symbols of
unabashed consumerism will be shipped directly to your front door,
where they may then be torn from the box in a frenzy and slapped upon
the walls as symbols of your pathetic brand loyalty to one of the
world's largest and least interesting corporations!
 
So let's dive right in and take a look at the specific features which
make these particular sources of artificial (yet godly) luminescence so
very special.