5 Offensive, Outrageous, & Possibly Fictional Things You May Not Have Heard About Ray Kroc

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Ray Kroc (the
ruthless entrepreneur often held responsible for the success of
McDonalds
), gets a lot of posthumous respect, and frankly, as
someone who used to work at McDonald's, this really pisses me off.
 
What's so bad about Ray Kroc? Here's one example: He is said to have
coined the phrase "If You’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to
clean." This pretty much tells you everything you need to know about
Mr. Kroc's attitude towards his employees. I can only assume Kroc
decided to publicize this motto because he feared his two other
favorite sayings, "Clean it now up or you're back on food stamps" and
"You're only here because you're still cheaper than a robot" might not
have endeared him to the public quite as much.
 
So in honor of this cruel obsessive-compulsive tyrant's memory, here
are five fascinating (and potentially libelous) things you probably
didn't know about Ray "The Kommendant" Kroc.

The Casually Dismissive Guide To Outdoor Activities

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I'm not exactly someone you would describe as the "outdoorsy type". I'm
really more of a "comes as close to hating nature as one can without
actually hating it" type, if that makes any sense. I mean, I don't have
any problem with the outdoors IN THEORY, but in practice it's
always just so irritating and unpredictable: Oh great, I went for a
walk and it started to rain. Fantastic, the sun went down and now I
can't see. Wonderful, I wandered into the Pakistani Himalaya and got
disemboweled by a Himalayan Brown Bear. I swear to god, it never ends.
 
I really don't see how nature expects anyone to enjoy the outdoors when
all this annoying crap is constantly going on. I'll give you an
example: One time I went camping and was continuously buffeted by
reasonably strong winds. Winds! Can you imagine? It was beyond belief.
The third time my hood blew off my head, I walked to the car and drove
straight home. But honestly, can you blame me? A man can only take so
much abuse.
 
But anyway, here's my Officially Licensed Guide Every Single Outdoor
Activity Ever.

20 Engrish Signs To Thrill & Confound You

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In the Englishs languages it is a right way and a wrong way to tell.
This is also true of sign of things. If an incorrect language is used
on sign or logo, they do not even understand the rules correctly! This
may be dangerous, pregnancy, or worse!

So, here to please readers of the twentieth signs which shows the use
of improper grammar and spelling errors. Thank all the competitors.

Worthless Guide To Monsters: Medusas & Minotaurs

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A year or two ago, I finished up My Series of Monster Guides
by posting a terrible article about the Jersey Devil I had carelessly
dashed off in an afternoon. This has always bothered me. Surely this
was no way to treat a mildly entertaining series of guides about
monsters. There had to be another way. And then it dawned on me: There
WAS another way. I could continue to write pointless and sort of crappy
guides about various types of monsters! So that's what I did.

So I hope you'll join me for this look at Medusas and Minotaurs (part
[?] of a [?] part series). Thank you and thank you.

More Snapple Cap Safety Tips For Kids

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In these troubled modern times, the life of a child is filled with
innumerable dangers. Just take a look at these astonishing figures:
Each day in America, 640 children are abducted by people who are
believed to be minorities. In addition, a full four thousand are
molested by men thought to possess pencil-thin mustaches, while 16 are
mischievously tipped out of their wheelchairs by disgruntled female
social workers.
 
These numbers serve as a constant reminder of the inherent evil of
humanity. But luckily, Snapple brand flavored drink beverages are here
to help. With the help of Families Against Violence and the American
Lung Association, Snapple has utilized their patented "Snapple Facts"
content delivery service to teach children about safety.
 
In the interest of public safety, I've reprinted 14 of the most useful
facts from this campaign here for you to enjoy.

Christian Game Review: Fallout New Vegas

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Image removed.In 1997,
the PC game Fallout was released. Its violently cynical godless
worldview easily captivated hundreds of gaming atheists, and spawned
numerous (and similarly detestable) sequels, the latest of which is
entitled Fallout: New Vegas. In the article that follows, this reviewer
will be taking a look at the world of New Vegas from a true Christian
perspective. I'll detail each sin committed by the developers of the
game in-depth, as well as offering some godly advice (and good
old-fashioned biblical scholarship) along the way.
 
NOTICE: This review should not be viewed by women or children.
The shocking and brutal nature of this game's source material made it
nessecary for me to describe drug use, instances of blasphemy, and
graphic descriptions of various sex acts in detail to give parents a
better idea of what their children are getting into these days.
Consider yourselves warned.

Nightmare Fuel: 20 Terrifying Photos of Dolls, Mannequins, & Dummies

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Remember that time when you slept over at your great grandmother's
house as a kid, and you went upstairs in the middle of the night to use
the bathroom and when you flipped on the hallway light there was a
battered, grinning old clown dummy propped up at the end of the hallway
in a pool of blood and you screamed and the dummy began laughing and
cursing as it scrabbled toward you brandishing a rusty straight razor?
 
If so: You'll probably be the first to agree when I say that dummies
can be pretty terrifying sometimes. You'll probably also be the first
in line to browse this gallery, as you no doubt realize that the best
way to overcome your fears is to face them head on.
 
So read on if you wish to be shocked, sickened, horrified, and possibly
mildly entertained by 20 photographs of dead-eyed artificial humans.