I find a lot of weird and insane photos from various places online that
I find myself unable (for whatever reason) to fit into an article.
These are normally just stored away on my harddrive until being
deleted, but I can't help but feel that this is a terrible waste.
So rather than run the risk of allowing these pictures (pointless and
irrelevant as they may be) to be forever lost in the ether of
cyberspace, I have decided to post them here, where they could
hypothetically be viewed by all who wish to enjoy them.
What can I say, I"m big into philanthropy.
Depending on who you ask, the growing popularity of "Top 10" articles on the internet is either A. The surest proof that humankind is becoming steadily dumber and a troubling harbinger of the coming Idiocracy, or B. Pretty neat because they are fun and looking at numbered things is easier than reading words in a dumb old book anyhow.
Which of these theories is correct? I'm afraid I don't really know. But as a respected Orthopedic Surgeon and Semiretired Professor of Internet Sociology I do feel that I am uniquely equipped to explain to you the reasons for the proliferation of Top 10 Lists. And although I could easily summarize these reasons in one or two sentences, I feel it is my obligation as an Internet Content Creator to needlessly dilute them by stretching them out into a Top 10 List instead.
So here are (in no particular order) the Top 10 Reasons Why Top 10 Lists Are So Popular.
Of all the pointless and antiquated traditions humans infuriatingly continue to adhere to, shaking hands is probably the one I resent me the most. I'm not quite sure why I hate the idea of handshakes so much, and since it'd take more than a few sessions with a psychiatrist to figure it out, I'll probably never know for sure. But if I had to guess, it'd say it's probably a combination of two things:
- Handshakes serve no practical purpose and I see them as phony and insincere.
- I'm a contrarian sociopath who derives pleasure from flouting social codes I disapprove of.
In all honestly, it's probably 99% due to the latter, but in the end, I guess it doesn't really matter why I hate handshakes. I just do. What's really important is that I've come up with this list of ways to get out of shaking hands. Granted, this guide won't be of much use to actual well-rounded adults, but certain groups people (Germaphobes, Insufferable Iconoclasts, Angry Goth Teens, etc) will likely find it very useful.
So with that in mind, here are 9 sneaky and underhanded ways to get out of shaking someone's hand.
A good online writer will use an introductory paragraph like this one
to give readers a brief overview of what the attached article is about
in an entertaining fashion. This encourages "click throughs" to the
main text, and ensures that the article gets as many pageviews (and
therefore generates as much advertising revenue) as possible.
It should be obvious that the text you are reading right now is an
example of an extremely poor introductory paragraph. It is overlong,
plainly written (yet not elegantly so), contains little to no useful
information, and fails to make even the slightest attempt at capturing
the interest of someone who may have stumbled across it accidentally. I
suppose I could try to counteract some of this by begging you to
continue reading ("Please, please, please, just scroll through and take
a look! I've spent oh so much time and effort on this highly
entertaining piece, it'd be a shame if you passed it up!"), but this is
impossible, as it is not in my nature to lie.
If I wanted to I could backtrack, here, at the very last second, by
cramming in some kind of half-assed segue linking this intro to the
content below, but I think I'd derive far more satisfaction out of
abruptly ending this sentence after implying that I was about to do so,
so let's find out.*
It seems like all you ever hear about is how awful it is to get old. Back pain, high blood pressure, grey hair, rest homes, the inability to see or hear anything, heart attacks, and death (yawn) and just a few of the "negatives" which make aging seem less than desirable.
But here's what the pessimists don't tell you: There are also many positive aspects to aging, many of which are cool enough to outweigh the shitty stuff. Then again, I may be somewhat biased when it comes to the elderly, as at the age of 27, I already posses many "old people" traits.
My hair is already going grey, I complain constantly, take far too many pills, spend almost my entire day napping, find loud music obnoxious, and in public places I go out of my way to avoid groups of teenagers because who knows they might be Kubrickian hooligans who'd jump me "just for kicks". So maybe I'm an old person in spirit already. Who knows.
Either way, I think you'll find that I still have some valid reasons why it'll be great to get old. Take a look.
Having recently experienced a Spiritual Awakening, I have found it
increasingly unnecessary for me to judge other human beings based
solely upon their appearance. How many years have I wasted making cruel
observations about others? Statements such as "Nice leopard-print
Zubaz", "What kind of a jackass wears a fedora?", or even "That young
woman should abstain from wearing spandex leggings due to the fact that
they cause her large, pendulous buttcheeks to resemble two trash bags
full of cottage cheese" had begun to characterize my life.
But no longer. Having learned the folly of my ways, I am filled with
love for all creatures in the universe, I have realized the folly of my
judgmental ways. Now I know that it is enough for a person to simply
exist. Whether they be clothed in semen stained jorts, an ill-fitting
Dragon Tales costume, or a hat which simply says the F-Word, there is
nothing more beautiful than a living, breathing, human being.
So without further ado: Here are twenty photographs of people who
happened to be photographed wearing costumes.
If you work in an office with a communal refrigerator, there's a good chance that you (or someone you love) has been a victim of Lunch Theft. Those afflicted with Lunch Theft are often left feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, and even--somewhat bewilderingly--sexually aroused. But it is important for victims of Lunch Theft to remember that they are not alone. In fact, it is estimated by the Federated Association of The National Council of Meat that sixteen out of ever hundred office lunches is eaten (without permission) by someone other than the rightful owner of the lunch.
As law enforcement is little help when it comes to "some guy eating another guy's pizza rolls", victims of lunchcrime are left with two choices:
A. Starve to death
B. Seek revenge against those who have wronged them by spiking food with various substances and leaving it in the fridge as "bait".
I'll just say straight away that if you came here looking for a guide on how to starve to death, you're going to be sorely disappointed. But if, on the other hand, you were looking strictly for information related to the poisoning of lunch-theving coworkers, I think you'll be pleased with the list I've compiled here.