Images So Fantastic They Probably Could've Cured Polio Before Jonas Salk Did If They'd Been Around Back Then
It's 7AM and I haven't gone to bed yet, so to save time, I think I'm just going to paste a user-submitted plot summary of the film Under Siege 2: Dark Territory instead of writing an actual intro:
Casey Ryback is traveling with his niece on a train, which is hijacked by terrorists. The terrorists need a moving headquarters, so they can take over a satellite capable of vaporizing anything in its path. The government can't stop them from destroying Washington and also rupturing a nuclear reactor, killing millions. Casey Ryback uses his Navy-Seal training to take out all of the terrorists in an action-packed ride.
But enough of that. Here are some pictures of things.
But take a moment to imagine a world where nothing ever became “handheld”. Couch Potatoes: Imagine that your television remote was as large as a coffee table! Retail Cashiers: There are no portable price scanners; enjoy typing the barcodes of all oversize items by hand! Bestiality Aficionados: Good luck grasping your favorite horse’s genitals! But thankfully the nightmare of “no handhelds” never came to pass.
We live a life of handhelds, and video game systems are no exception. What follows is a guide to all your favorite portable game consoles past and present. If you have any complaints, don’t forget you aren’t paying for any of this.
Sure, maybe I like to make fun of bad costumes from time to time, but I'm no bully. So that's why I'm gonna try to be extra nice when I write the captions for these clunky and unsettling pictures I found on the website of What Appears To Be A Small Rental Center In Virginia.
Honestly I think that's all the explaining I need to do. So join us, won't you? Thank you.
Recently, I performed an internet search for "Worst First Date Movies". I did this because, at the time, I was interested in reading a list of offensive or controversial films which might make for awkward first-date viewing. Unfortunately, none of the articles I managed to find fit this description.
Some were simply lists of mildly scary or violent horror films ("Don't take your date to see Chuckie or The Grudge 2!"), others were filled with blatantly obvious or borderline idiotic choices ("Deliverance! Schindler's List! Kids! Caligula!"), and most of the rest appeared to have been written by brain-damaged ESL students battling prescription drug addictions ("Number 10: Aids disease is not become laughing. But does your date? Potential.")
So seeing as none of these were particularly useful to me, I decided to attempt to fill this void by creating my own list of Bad First Date Movies. And while I can't promise you quality, I can promise some measure of quantity. So there's that.
Oh, and also, I reveal nearly every single meaningful plot point in all of these films. So take that into account before you read this.
Question: Is this simply a numbered list of leftover "B-Side" fetishes from the Top 20 Weird Sexual Fetishes Article You Published A While Ago?
Answer: Sort of. This list does, in fact, contain the fetishes I didn't have space for in the original article. It also contains many fetishes which don't even exist. If you'd like to know why this is the case, I'm afraid I can't help you. But I can tell you that some of the fetishes below are probably real.
The answers are at the end, if you feel like cheating. Thank you, and good luck.
A lot of people will tell you that to be successful as a writer, that you should always "Write What You Know." Depending on which writers you talk to, this idea is either lifechangingly brilliant, or pure, unadulterated, greeting card bullshit. I guess I'd say I stand somewhere in the middle.
I will admit that in the beginning, I tried to "write what I knew", but it didn't take me long to realize that I didn't know much about anything anyone cared about. No worries though; I just decided to modify the phrasing slightly so it would apply to me, and then used that as my writing mantra.
So: "Write What You Know" became "Write a few worthwhile paragraphs on a random topic like before becoming bored and simply cluttering-up the remainder of the article with irrelevant rants, tiring nonsequitors, and run on sentences so long that a lot of the time upon reaching the end you'll be lost entirely and yet too indifferent to care".
All-in-all, I'd say things worked out pretty well so far. Oh, and also, on a semi-related related note: Below this intro you'll find an article in which I good-naturedly complain about oddly specific things which annoy me.
If you could find the time to look through it for me, I'd really be much obliged.
Okay, look: I realize I've already milked Two Entire photo galleries out Stick Figure Warning Signs Which Are Occasionally Difficult To Understand. I realize that. But times are tough, you know? What can I say. I found a bunch more pictures of messed-up street signs I liked, so I figured, hey: Why not organize them into gallery format and display them on the internet?
So I did, and here they are.
Like many of my fellow Brothers In Christ, I was shocked, saddened, and outraged when I heard that the US Government was going to allow the new megaviolent animated videogame Bulletstorm to be released. This comes even after Child Advocate and Actual Medical Doctor Carole Lieberman (in an interview on Fox News) proved conclusively that violent videogames cause rape by claiming that they did.
When pressed for "evidence" to back up her claims, she was unable to produce even a single shred. This of course led to cries of "irresponsible journalism" and "fear-mongering" among pro-rape advocates in the gaming industry, but the more educated among us know that those who constantly clamor for reputable scientific studies to back up what appear to be unsubstantiated and outrageous claims are missing the point: Violent videogames exist, and until they are successfully banned, our children will continue commit acts of violence, torture, embezzlement, and premarital assault.
But what of Bulletstorm specifically? Is this game truly as reprehensible as so many have claimed? The answer, of course, is a wholehearted and undeniable "yes."