Eyepod Plus Plus


me just preface this by saying that I hereby refuse to use the proper
“brand” spelling or capitalization when writing i-POd. I’m deliberately
going to punctuate it differently every time I use it too, just to
spite the OCD advertising executives over at a**le (Yeah, real big
victory right? Maybe six people will see this).

Snapple Facts: Madness

Facts Madness

Now here are some more snapple facts. These particular items come
courtesy of the patients at Bethlem Royal Hospital's mental ward.
They've worked very hard to bring you these, so I hope you have a grand
old time! Thanks and be sure to have your pets spayed and neutered.

Worthless Guide to Security Guards


hurtful things have been said about security guards over the years:
They’re nothing but uneducated whiteboys on a power trip! They’re lazy
bigots who couldn’t cut it as cops! All they do is sit at a desk all
day popping pills and fondling themselves gently while frowning at a
dog-eared and slightly moist copy of Maxim!
Certainly these are some pretty outrageous claims to make, but I have
to say that in my years working security I found them to be
surprisingly accurate. But let’s try and see if we can’t reveal the
true nature of security guards.

Snapple Facts: Kids

Kids facts

you know that Snapple now has a line of fruit drinks for children?
Instead of having "fun facts" under the caps, they feature a number of
child safety tips. Here are some suggestions I have for extra tips that
might help a kid out. Once again, Snapple had better not try to steal
these from me.

Part 1 -
Classic Facts

Part 2 -
Kids Facts

Worthless Guide to a Life Of Crime


you ever wanted to quit your job, leave your family behind, and take up
a life of crime? I know I haven’t, but that’s only because I’ve got a
lovely girlish face and am deathly afraid of the attention I
would no doubt receive if incarcerated. But few people are as
cowardly as me, so I’m sure many of you have fantasized about
performing a spectacular bank robbery or thumping a kindly old woman
over the head for kicks.
It’s only human I suppose. And so: Here's a little ditty for those of
you considering a life if crime.

...And Crackling Skies of Contumacious Flame

Smokey Bear

It begins with a match. A spark. Birthed of sulfur it sputters and
burns. Bringing the spreading smoke. Down into throats and lungs;
burning and clogging
and choking and squeezing. Searing rains of black ash fill skies;
simmering and grey with death. Somewhere, in the cold dark, a child
screams. Flames creep from the corners a room, gliding eagerly up and
over the
covers of the bed. Flames cradle him; embrace him; destroying all he is and all he
might have been.

Snapple Facts: Classic

Phony Snapple

Snapple brand drink is a very popular drink. There are fun facts on the
caps of Snapple brand drinks. Here are some of my favorite fun facts
from the caps of Snapple brand drinks. If Snapple sees this: Hands off.
These are my own ideas. Don't you dare try putting them on your Snapple website or there'll be
trouble. I am (probably) not some corporate whore.