Don't Go Chasin Waterfalls

Heed not the warnings of early 90s R&B groups. Waterfalls were
placed on this earth by Our Lord God for one reason and one reason
only: To be pursued.

I realize that many of you may have a strong
inclination towards sticking to the rivers and the lakes to
which you have grown accustomed, but what you likely fail to realize is
that puttering around
in large, stationary pools of liquid, or immersing yourself in
freshwater as it runs towards an ocean can in no way match the
physical and emotional fulfillment one can achieve from
chasing a waterfall. Not even close.
So if you'd allow me, I'd like to go ahead and refute some of the most
common arguments against the pursuance of water which happens to be
flowing down a steep grade due to the effects of gravity along with a
rapid drop in elevation.



Don't Go Chasin Waterfalls - Drown

Highly unlikely. Contrary to popular belief, the average waterfall does
not have sufficient volume to drown an average person, even if they
were to stand directly under it. When many people think of a waterfall
they imagine a heavy torrent of water which travels off a steep cliff
into a deep pool or chasm. In reality, these types of falls are fairly
uncommon, and make up only a fraction of the waterfalls on this planet.

"Fan" waterfalls, for instance, spread horizontally
while maintaining contact with the bedrock; while the "horsetail" style
falls behave much in the same way. I'd venture that the average person
would be
hard-pressed to drown in waterfalls such as these.



Don't Go Chasin Waterfalls - Caught

This is patently absurd. A waterfall is not some immaterial notion like
tort reform or an illusory visual entity like a rainbow. It is an
tangible physical construct which exists in real three-dimensional
space. And not only that, but waterfalls are, by their very nature,
stationary. As such, they can easily be caught and/or captured by even
the most dim-witted of humans.



Don't Go Chasin Waterfalls - Fall Death

If one follows proper waterfall "fair chase" regulations, there is
absolutely no chance whatsoever of this occurring. First of all, even
waterfall pursuit laymen know that the proper way to approach a
waterfall is from the front (i.e. the area of lower elevation, bottom
of the cliff, etc). Proper procedure dictates that one should never
approach a waterfall from the rear, as doing so can lead to so-called
death plunges, in
which the chaser simply runs off a cliff or outcropping near the
waterfall and "plunges" to his or her "death".
It should be noted, however, that in extremely rare cases, the face of
a waterfall can be approached at a 45-60 degree angle during a chase.
But this is only recommended under the direst of life-and-death


Don't Go Chasin Waterfalls - What To Do

Once again: False. There are a number of options available to those who
manage to catch up to a waterfall.


Depending on the size of the waterfall and the body of water from which
it flows, one could either place an extremely large cargo container at
the bottom of the falls or rig up a complex series of dams, troughs,
and aqueducts which could then divert the waterfall into the receptacle
of your choosing.


It is possible to gaze thoughtfully at a waterfall while
ruminating on universal truths or engaging in wistful musings on the
nature of humanity.


Many waterfall chasers enjoy wallowing in a waterfall
upon successful completion of a chase. Some find it pleasurable to
stand in the falls' spray while rubbing their hands all over their
bodies and moaning, while others prefer to simply raise their arms to
the heavens and let out a throaty bellow. Team chasers (groups
of waterfallers comprised of two or more individuals) might consider
removing their clothing and engaging in some water-based "high-jinks"
(splashing, dunking, or the spitting of fountains
of water into the air) in or around the falls.


Upon reaching the a waterfall, some will inexplicably choose
to view it as the embodiment of
all those who have wronged them. They often
begin to verbally abuse the falls, disparaging them with insults and
ethnic slurs, before resorting to vicious personal attacks on the

Occasionally, these individuals will be so overcome with
misplaced hatred that they will even
begin to hurl objects at the falls while
screaming "I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!" The falls will make no
acknowledgment of these transgressions against it, and will remain
utterly silent. In time, the attacker will become exhausted and fall
unconscious. Upon awakening, they will discover that they have been
purged of all ill feelings
towards others. It is only then are they able to achieve inner peace.


Hopefully this article has helped you reach a clearer understanding of
both the joys and the
potential dangers of waterfall-chasing. I would only add that if you're
going to insist upon having it your way or nothing
at all, I would be
remiss if I did not point out that I strongly believed that you were
moving too fast.

Image Credits