How To Lose Weight (A Needlessly Insulting Guide)

How to Lose Weight Insulting Guide
Guest Post From Celebrity Doctor Phil McGraw
How To Lose Weight - Dr. PhilHowdy folks, I'm Celebrity Doctor Phil McGraw, and I'm here to with some tips to help ya'll lose some weight and keep it off for good. Using my good old fashioned down-home country-living common-sense approach to advice-giving, I'll make sure the lard drops off your ample behinds just as sure as a coonhound at a rodeo loves eatin' truffles out of a fountain during a superbowl sunday hootenanny.
 
But don't assume I'll coddle you. Don't assume I'm gonna be "Politically Correct". You've read plenty of Mothering P.C. weight-loss books and look what it's gotten you: A whole bowl full of nothing. What you folks need is some good hard love. Some no-nonsense honest advice. What you need is a heapin' spoonful of Phil.
 
And by God I intend to give it to you.
 
 

Taking The Stairs Isn't Going to Do Shit

How To Lose Weight - Fat JoggerHey tubby, you think just 'cause you take the stairs instead of the elevator you're gonna lose weight? Not a chance! Yeah, I know, you read it in the Readers Digest or what-have-you and you thought it would be a fine idea. Lemme tell you: It isn't. Climbing stairs burns about 7 calories a minute. So unless bloated pieces of garbage are planning on walking up and down those stairs for hours and hours, it isn't even gonna make a DENT in that ham, cheese, and Twix omelet you eat for breakfast every morning. Don't why even bother?
 
 And also, thin folks don't want you on those stairs anyhow. Hell no they don't! Skinny people have places to go too, and every time you take those stairs you're sentencing them to about 6 minutes of watching your cheeks wobble as you strain to heft each of your roast beef thighs up the steps in turn, grunting and sweating as an endless stream of noxious White Castle vapor billows out of your lower intestine. It just ain't right.
 
So cancel your subscription to "The Digest", it's time to make a new subscription: A subscription to "Stop Fucking Crumbling An Entire Goddamned Bag of Nacho Cheesier Doritos On An Extra Large Sausage & Cottage Cheese Pizza And Eating It, You Sausage-Fingered Freak" Magazine.
 
 

Yeah, Have Some Low-Calorie Potato Chips. That'll Help.

How To Lose Weight - Fat Guy 2I once knew an overweight fella who claimed he had been buying low-calorie snacks for years and didn't lose a bit of weight. In fact, he actually GAINED weight. He came to me in tears; he said to me, "Phil--gosh darnint--how can this be? I'm eating right but I have yet to drop a single pound. I'm at my wit's end. I've even noticed my 2 year old daughter putting on weight, I think it's because of the way my wife and I eat. What can I do?"
 
 And do you know what I said to him? I said, "Listen up fatso, the real reason you haven't lost any weight is because instead of eating one bag of 200 calorie chips, you ate four bags of the low calories ones! You're weak, and buying less-filling snacks isn't going to change that.

You've failed yourself, and you've failed that sweet fat baby daughter of yours. 10-to-1 your wife's already stepping out on you with a grocery clerk, and do you know what's gonna happen to that girl of yours if she grows up all plumped? Shoot, most men won't so much as say hello to a larger lady unless she's got money to burn or unless she offers herself up for a roll in the sack. Dollars to donuts, your inability to limit yourself to a single pack of 100-calorie Oreos instead of eight has doomed that pudgy, innocent little girl to a life of opiate-assisted whoredom, and that's a damn shame."
 
A few days later I heard he had swallowed both barrels of a shotgun after binging on an entire case of day-old sweet rolls. Just goes to show you that some people just aren't cut out for a healthful life!
 

Stick To All-Natural Foods...If You're a Moron

How To Lose Weight - Fat Guy 1

Any time one of these hemp condom wearin', filthy dreadlock-braidin' granola rapists tells me that an all-natural or "organic" diet keeps them healthier, I laugh right in their wispy-bearded faces. There ain't nothing more or less fattening about all-natural foods.

Let's go ahead and see if we can't fatten up an already fat fatso with a bunch of fatty fat foods which are available from organic sources:

Breakfast

A Stick of All-Natural Butter Eaten Like a Candy Bar. 10 Strips of Organic Bacon.

Lunch

An Entire Bag of Organic Chocolate Chips. All-Natural Brown Sugar Scooped From The Bag With a Meaty Paw.

Dinner

A Tube of Nature's Own Flavored Squeeze Lard Sliding Past The Lips and Down a Swollen Throat.
 

See, many of y'all assume that it's the preponderance of "highly-processed" (EVIL) foods which has made modern humans so huge. Get real fatties, because Phil Don't Play That. As a scholar of history as well as a certified television Doctor I can tell you that throughout history, GIGANTIC ASSES ABOUND. Don't believe me? Take a gander at this:
 
 
How To Lose Weight - Venus
How To Lose Weight - Henry VIII
Venus of Willendorf
(24,000 BCE)
Henry VIII
(1500 CE)
How To Lose Weight - Alessandro Borro
How To Lose Weight - Taft
Alessandro del Borro
(1645 CE)
William Howard Taft
 (1908 CE)

 
I promise you that not one of these fatties was stuffing their face full of Ring Dings or Fruit-By-The-Foots while watching Speed on TNT. They got this huge on all-natural food. Here's the bottom line:

Y'ALL WILL NOT LOSE WEIGHT SIMPLY BY SWITCHIN'G TO ORGANIC CHEETOS.


When All Else Fails: Pretend You Aren't A Biggun

I know y'all probably don't enjoy being fat, and I don't blame you. There isn't a man alive who enjoys being laughed at by a bunch of rowdy teenagers as he fruitlessly attempts to squeeze himself into a booth at Denny's. There's no woman on earth who's proud to have to stop and catch her breath every few steps simply because a light wind is blowing in the opposite direction in which she happens to be traveling. And no child I know brags to his friends about the fact that his strength/weight ratio is so low that if he were to fall on his back when nobody was around, he would be unable to right himself and would simply die of starvation soon thereafter.
 
"I'm not fat," you'll gasp indignantly as you clutch your chest after another round of pressing Ho-Ho after Ho-Ho into your permanently slackened jaw, "I've got supertasters! I've got a thyroid condition! I have high blood sugar! I've got the rickets! I've got the restless leg syndrome! I swear I do!"

Say it enough times and you might even start believing it yourself.
 How To Lose Weight - Fat Stomach of Death Stomach
I think I'll end this little sermon of mine with a little saying abusive daddy always used to use: You can't slip n' slide more hogs with lemons than you did with lemonade, but a pig's eye in a tree is worth four chickadees if two in the bush are a friend indeed. And don't wear white after labor day.
 
Goodnight everybody!


Photo Credits
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