Consider this: One out of every four people will be a victim of
terrorism their lifetime. And though this statistic may have just been
made up by me, one cannot deny that it is extremely troubling.
But never fear: Because I, and I alone, have discovered the secret to
eradicating terrorism. I am fully prepared to give this information
away free of charge, as a service to my country, and in the hopes that
it will rid our world of Terror once and for all.
IDENTIFYING A TERRORIST
You might think terrorists look just like you and me, but this almost
never the case. Learning to recognize a terrorists before he or she
strikes can save countless lives. Here is a list of traits possessed by
most terrorists. You would do well to commit them to memory:
- Caramel Skin
- Ski Mask, Bandanna, Or Scarf
- Leaves Car Unattended In Parking Garage
- Beautiful Eyes
- Becomes Defensive/Annoyed When Asked If He Or She Is A Terrorist
- Sits Awkwardly On Benches
- Looks Poor But Carries A Briefcase
- Coughs Without Covering His Or Her Mouth
- Appears To Be Waiting For A Bus
So as you can probably see, it will do you no good to attempt to
identify a terrorists by race. The man on the bus who glares
suspiciously at passengers whom they believe to be middle easterners is
missing the point entirely. Some terrorists are probably also be
Hispanic, so watch out out for them too.
APATHY: YOUR GREATEST WEAPON
Not caring about terrorism may sound heartless, but terrorism works on
the basis that people will be saddened and horrified by the terrorist's
actions. By pretending not to care about terrorist acts, you will take
away all the terrorists power. If someone approaches you and begins to
talk to you about how a terrorist took the life of someone they loved,
politely inform them that you do not care. If you see a news report
about terrorist activity, chuckle to yourself and change the channel.
If a terrorist act destroys your home, do not even file an insurance
claim. Simply purchase a more expensive home, and then blow it up
yourself to prove you don't need a home. The terrorists won't know what
Take the firebombing of a Burger King for example: For terrorists, half
the fun of bombing comes from hearing the horrified screams of
onlookers as they flee the scene in terror. But if, instead of
screaming or crying when the restaurants exploded into a brilliant ball
of flame, everyone around just rolled their eyes and said "Good
riddance, I never liked that old dump," or shrugged while muttering
"McDonald's fries are better anyway" before sharing a laugh with some
of the other nearby terror victims, the terrorists would simply feel
sad and defeated.
By taking the fun out of reaping terror, you are discouraging
terrorism. Score one for freedom!
Keeping a constant eye on 24-Hour news networks like Nuestra Tele
Noticias 24 Horas, FOX News, and the Christian Broadcasting Network is
essential for those who wish to receive the latest news regarding
potential terror cells in their local area. News of any new religious
buildings being built on American soil should be paid special
attention, as these locations are--more often than not--hotbeds of
It makes perfect sense if you think about it: What better place to plan
acts of terror and subterfuge than a publicly-accessible, clearly
labeled, governmentally licensed building located in the country in
which you plan to carry out your attacks? It really is sheer genius.
Here's a list of buildings to look out for:
- Cave Monestaries
- Mosques (Obviously!)
- Crude Shrines To Huehuecoyotl, The Aztec Trickster God
- New-Age Bookstores
- Temples of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
- Synagogues Constructed Out Of Human Bones
- Catholic Fondleries
- Shrines Of The Silver Monkey
If you notice any of these religious structures being built in your
area, report it to your local television news affiliate, and then call
REMEMBER: VOCALIZED REFUSAL DECREASES TERROR BY 50%
Studies have shown that those with poor attitudes or less-than perfect
cooperation skills are only half as likely to be killed by a terrorist.
So stand up for yourself! If you find yourself in the midst of a
terrorist attack, get one of the terrorist's attention. Then, in a
loud, clear voice, say the following:
I do not consent to being terrorized. Your actions currently stand in
violation of multiple internationally recognized treaties prohibiting
acts of terrorism. Release me immediately or you may be subject to
penalties (up to and including a $1,000 fine) according to the laws of
the Geneva Convention.
More often than not, a terrorist will release you rather than go
through all the hassle and red tape involved in a lawsuit. This just
goes to show that there is nothing so powerful as an international
citizen who knows his or her rights!
TERRORISM, LIKE DEATH, IS INESCAPABLE
While the damage caused by of terrorism can certainly be mitigated (or
even avoided) by following the rules I've laid out in the preceding
sections, do not allow
this to give you hope. It is important to remember that terrorism can
never be fully eradicated, and you will be a direct victim of
more terrorist attacks in your lifetime.
Sleep with a large caliber pistol under your pillow. Board up the
windows of your home. Drive out to your mailbox instead of walking.
Become more hesitant to wave at neighbors whose ethnicity it is
difficult for you to determine.
But above all: Be afraid. For living out the rest of your life as if
you were a sniveling, hunted rodent is the only way you will ever
survive in this world of terror.