Worthless Guide to Dating: Part 2

Dating 2
I now continue with part 2 of Dating DOs and DON’Ts. Part 1 is HERE, but I don’t imagine you care. This time we'll cover picking up women at weddings and at bars and things of this nature. Have a good time kids.


Weddings



Wedding


It’s no surprise that women enjoy weddings. I mean, what woman wouldn’t want to vicariously live out the fantasy of trading freedom for the illusion of security by becoming a replacement mother and a live-in maid to an emotionally distant and hedonistic manchild? And if there were no weddings where would a woman go if they wanted to be “accidentally” groped by a greasy-haired relative in an ill-fitting powder blue suit? The thrift store? Don't make me laugh.

DO Try out some absurd pickup lines. Many of the lines that don’t seem to make sense might actually work if the girl is suitably sauced. For example, try out the line “Hey, why don’t you drop the zero and get with the hero.” if the woman is there by herself. She won’t know what to think. Also try these:

  • Do you know where I can find some sailors?

  • I sweat a lot when I sleep, but it can’t be helped.

  • Were you aware that child prostitution is pretty much legal in Thailand?

  • Hmm, I wouldn’t mind desecrating the corpse of the late professor Dumbledore.

  • AAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!


DON’T Heckle during the ceremony. You might think it would be funny to scream “JUDASSSS!” at the pastor during a sermon or to punch out a stainedglass window during the vows, but it isn… wait, you know what? That’s actually pretty good. I dare you to do it.  

Preacher

DO Get into some brawls. Many women are attracted to powerful men, and what better way is there to show your power than by haphazardly wading into a crowd of elderly guests swinging a folding chair? Don’t expect a melee (or even a fracas) to break out for no reason though. You’ve got to take the initiative. Find a guy with a lot of friends nearby and smash your drink over his head while shouting “Eat it motherfu**er!” and you’ll be brawling in no time. Don’t worry about hurting anybody either, the human body is surprisingly resilient.


DON’T Try the veal. I was in the bathroom with the caterer earlier and he didn’t even wash his hands. Eeeauuuck.





Bars



Bartender


Maybe you aren’t looking for a “relationship” with a woman per-se. Perhaps you’re merely making a futile attempt to burn away the almost palpable aura of gnawing despair and loneliness that defines your life by engaging in anonymous pseudosadistic debauchery with syphilitic tramps. If this is the case, then a bar is probably the place for you to be.


DON’T Wear pajamas to the bar. I’ve heard stories of men who wore pajamas to a bar so women would approach him and ask him about them (“Oh, I’m going to a sleepover party after this”). You would have to be an idiot to try this. It only would only work if you were a very attractive man that women would probably have approached anyway. Everyone else is just going to look like they wandered out of the day room of some minimum security asylum.

DO Be sure to make a good first impression. You only get one chance to make a first impression (unless the girl gets smashed over the head and gets amnesia, but not much chance of this) so make it amazing. Try some of these things.

  • Slide in through the door on your knees while "Louie Louie" plays on the jukebox

  • Challenge the woman to an arm-wrestling match

    Wrestling

  • Drive an exotic sports car through the window of the bar, step out, casually brush yourself off, and then say “has anybody seen the valet?”

  • Dress in tight leather chaps, horn-rimmed glasses, and swing a chain over your head while singing Buddy Holly songs

  • Quickly become belligerently drunk and beging to scream terrifyingly foul insults at anyone who approaches you. Then give a scream of existential anguish and collapse into a heap on the floor, choking to death on your own vomit

DO Lie profusely. Just make the most outlandish claims you can. Claim to be an Archbishop in the Catholic Church. Remark that you have the ability to fly. Tell her you live in an underground mansion. What is she going to do, call you a liar? That would just be rude.



Well that about wraps up this disaster. I’m pretty sure nobody read this entire thing. If you did, send me a message with the Contact thing at the bottom just to prove you did. Seriously.