Animal Awards: Dogs

BenjiA lot of people love dogs, but I have to say I'm not really a big fan. They jump up on you, they smell like an open sewer, they slobber all the time and tear apart your shoes; it's just a huge mess. The same thing goes for celebrity dogs. A lot of people tend to romanticize these animals, but they've got all the same vices as regular dogs. They just didn't show that stuff on the shows.

For example, if Lassie really wanted to be truthful, it would show her coming home each day after rescuing a kid from a fire or whatever she did, vomiting a bunch of guts from a dead gopher she ate onto the couch, and then she would spend the rest of the night running back and forth in the living room barking at a bug on the ceiling. So yeah, dogs are insane, and here are some more famous ones to prove it.


TotoThe little black dog from The Wizard of Oz. I'm not sure what type of dog he's supposed to be, but whatever it is I hate it. These are the worst sorts of dogs. Their fur is stringy and eventually gets all ratty, and the stuff around their eyes and mouth always gets stained brown. But the worst thing is their bark. Their harsh, yippy, grating, horrible horrible horrible bark. And they NEVER SHUT UP. If this film was at all realistic Toto would've just been barking constantly throughout the entire film. Like this:

So we were just trying to get in to see Oz an- Roff! Roff! Roff! Roff! Toto! Shut up! But anyway we've come a very very long way so if yo- Roff! Roff!Roff! Roff! Hey! HEY! Would you STOP?! Please would you stop it! Jesus. But yeah, in any case if y- Roff! Roff!Roff! Roff!Roff! GODDAMMIT! Roff!Roff! Roff! Toto! Roff! Roff! Toto! SHUT THE HELL UP! Roff! Roff!Roff! Roff!Roff! Toto! Roff!Roff! Toto! Roff!Roff! Roff! Toto! Roff!Roff! TOTO I AM TRYING TO TALK TO THIS MAN! Roff!Roff! Roff!Roff! Stop it! STOP IT! Roff!Roff! Stop, Toto stop! Roff!Roff! Oh my GOD that is fucking ENOUGH Toto. Roff!Roff! Roff!Roff! TOTO GODDAMMIT STOP RIGHT NOW! Roff!Roff! Roff!Roff! Roff!Roff! That's it. Roff!Roff! Roff! That is IT. Roff! Roff! Come here! Come here right now! I'll teach you a lesson, you little bastard... Roff! Ah-HAH! Gotcha! Now let me see that axe for a second. Just LET ME SEE IT! Alright, here you go...Roff!Ro-ARRRP!
..., we're here to see Oz. Also, do you have a garbage bag or something we can use?

Those Rescue Dogs With the Tiny Barrels

Rescue DogHey! HEY! What the hell do you dogs think you're doing?! Don't give that man alcohol, he's freezing to death! Well, OF COURSE it'll make him FEEL warmer, you morons, that's what booze does. All you're doing is diverting more blood to his freezing extremities, causing more of it to cool there and return to his heart, causing his core temperature to drop! You dogs are killing him! At the very least you could've filled the barrels with hot soup or something. Seriously, didn't you do any research before you came up with this idea? Idiots.

What do you mean “it isn't your fault, a park ranger hooked it around your neck?” What the hell difference does that make?! You're still the one bounding through the snow and dribbling that shit into some soon-to-be corpse's slit of a mouth. But fine. Go ahead and keep it up, you'll see what happens.

Dumbass dogs.


DogmeatAnyone who's ever played any of the old Fallout PC games will probably recognize this ratty old mutt. You always find him wandering around somewhere in the games, and if you want to, you can feed him some food (an iguana on a stick, some jerky of indeterminate origin, etc.) and he'll follow you around and help you fight.

Well, I use the term “help” loosely. He'll pretty much just run up to enemies and bite them for a while while the two of you shoot at each other. He isn't completely useless though. Sometimes he knocks someone down, and might even manage to kill someone once and a while. But no matter how useful you may find him, he won't ever be around for long, because (like most of the companions in these games) his signature move is running in front of you in the middle of a battle and getting blown apart by bursts of gunfire. So look forward to that I guess.

Old Yeller

YellerSome people might tear up a little when they see the name of this dog. Not me though. I can't think of many dogs I hate more than Old Yeller. The first problem I have is his name. Old Yeller? Talk about white trash. It sounds like some grizzled old prospector gave him that name, it's ridiculous.

Secondly, I don't think he did anything all that special. I can't really remember the movie, but I'm pretty sure all he ever did was follow the little kid around. Hmm...wait a second. I sort of remember something...did he fight a bear in that movie? I think there was a part where a bear attacked the kid and Yeller fought the bear and scared it away. That could've been in Where the Red Fern Grows or something though. Bah, I can't remember. Forget it.

Finally, it always annoyed me that people cried when he got shot. I might remind you people that he DID have rabies. What did you expect the family to do, keep him around? Man, the second you let that thing back in the house it would've pounced right on that kid and torn his face apart like a rotten steak. I say blast him and toss his ratty yellow carcass into a ravine. Good riddance.


Top DogThis one is pretty absurd. Reno is the dog who starred alongside Chuck Norris in the movie Top Dog. Chuck plays a renegade cop who doesn't play by the rules (obviously), and Reno is the dog his Captain assigns him as a partner (to keep him in line I guess?). The rest of the movie goes exactly how you'd expect. First there are a bunch of “funny” scenes where Chuck does stupid things while the dog covers his eyes and makes “arrrooooo?” sounds, then they come together and take out some huge drug cartel comprised of about a hundred beefy guys in tanktops, none of whom find it necessary to use guns.

But I think my favorite thing about this film is the explanatory quote on the front of the DVD cover. Right under the picture of Chuck and the Reno poking their heads out from the center of a giant police badge it says: “One's tough, one's smart.” Think about that for a second. They're either saying Chuck Norris is DUMBER than a sheepdog, or that he's LESS TOUGH than one.

Either way, it doesn't make him look too hot.