Animal Awards: Dinosaurs

Dinosaurs Dinosaurs count as animals, don’t they? I’m fairly sure they do. Well, it doesn’t really matter because I’m just about to call out the worst of them. Animals or not, some dinosaurs are about to be pissed off. I don’t even care either; I’m tough. I tell it like it is, and if some random plesiosaur doesn’t like it, he can try to email me about it. I’d love to see him try too, with those fins of his.

These are the kind of high-end insults against dinosaurs you can expect to hear in this article, and there’s plenty more where that came from, pal. Intrigued? I thought so.  


Godzilla

Godzilla, Godzilla! Alright, Godzilla is not a dinosaur. I would say he’s a dragon if he’s anything. But definitely not a dinosaur. Is anyone going to argue this point with me? I hope not, because all I have to do is bring up the fact that he breathes fire. Ah, got you there! I bet you feel pretty foolish right about now, don’t you? Thinking a dinosaur could breathe fire…that’s rich.

But since everyone seems to think Godzilla is a dinosaur, I feel comfortable having him on this list. And why is this? Because he’s reckless, that’s why. I know originally his only goal was to stomp around smashing a bunch of Japanese cities, and who could blame him? You have to admit, the Japanese can be pretty annoying sometimes (almost as bad as the Dutch). But in later films, Godzilla decides he wants to be good, and fights against other monsters. Which would be fine, if he weren’t so haphazard about it. During the fights he just stumbles around thoughtlessly, pulverizing building after building, and causing countless deaths.

I think the Japanese were finally just like: Hey man, we appreciate the effort, really we do, but honestly, I think we probably would’ve been better off if you had just let us handle the giant lobster creature. We WERE bombing it with jets, you know. Maybe you didn’t notice, but we were. I think we might've even been starting to hurt it too; I think I sort of saw it flinch once. It really was only a matter of time. But hey, I guess there wasn't any reason for us to do that I guess, because you wallowed in, crushed one of our oldest bridges, grabbed the thing by the claw, and tossed it off into a skyscraper full of people.

So thanks a lot.

Real helpful.


That Baby Dinosaur from Dinosaurs



Lots of sugar isn’t good for babies.


Various Dinosaur Transformers

Dinobots Transformers! Those are cool, right? No. Actually they are not. Transformers are nothing but a bunch of dead-eyed robots turned into a cartoon by greedy marketing geniuses in order to sell toys to dense children who would one day “grow up” into adults who are so emotionally stunted and pathetic that they would pay 12 dollars in order to see a major Hollywood motion picture simply because they have some vague memory watching some poorly animated television show back in the days when their lives were characterized by irrational hopes instead of a formless despair they now desperately (but unsuccessfully) attempt to drown in an avalanche of alcohol and prescription pills.

But, uh, yeah. But you have to admit, the idea of dinosaur transformers is pretty stupid. They have the same problem most other transformers had, but amplified. The issue, as I see it, is that the humanoid form is infinitely superior to anything else a robot could change into. Think about it. How exactly is a car better than a human? It isn’t. Cars blow. That goes double for a dinosaur. There’s a reason dinosaurs are extinct, and it isn’t because they were really good at fighting. It’s because they are crippled pieces of evolutionary waste, destined to forever circle the toilet bowl of natural history (or shitty Saturday morning television history, in this case).


Denver (the Last Dinosaur)

Denver Denver used to star in his own Saturday morning cartoon series (Denver: The Last Dinosaur). Unfortunately, this is the only thing I can remember about him. Well, aside from part of the theme song. I think it went a little something like this:

“Denver, the last dinosaur, he’s my friend and a whole lot more.
Denver, the last dinosaur, shows me a world I never saw before .”

I’m pretty sure this song was sung by a child from the show who is supposed to be friends with Denver. So really, the only conclusion I can draw from this part of the song is that Denver was the last dinosaur and also that he probably molested human children. I think that more than qualifies him to receive this prestigious dino shame award. May he rot in dinosaur prison forever.